Unhappily Ever After

Unhappily Ever After

In the farthest nook of the Buckingham Palace, in the kitchen pantry where no one goes save for the cook-who fortunately works in tunnel vision-a woman and her two daughters live the last of their days. They survive by the use of a stolen can opener that the younger daughter, Adeline de la Faye, whisked beneath her apron as they scampered into the pantry on that first, fateful night.

They are dark now, so covered in dirt and so filled with botchelised tuna and expired corn that they blend into the recesses of the pantry. Some would call it ironic that Cinderella was dark once, too. Her step-family knew, as no one else did, of the blackness of her heart. It was not without reason that she clung to the chimney ashes, coating herself with coal, muttering spells under her breath.

The other servants were all afraid of her. Her eyes cut daggers through the scullery maid: found dead in her bed the morning after the altercation. The Baroness de la Faye questioned Cinderella, who revealed nothing, but smiled a curve that would have quivered the chin of La Giaconda.

Jacqueline de la Faye saw Cinderella hypnotize the Prince at the ball, and bit her lip until it bled to keep from crying out. Days before, in a terrifying wood, he had confessed his love to her, run his fingers through her fiery hair, and swore that they would be wed as soon as he announced her as his wife—at the stroke of twelve on the eve of his ball. How it all had unraveled so fast, then—how she’d clung to him after Cinderella ran off, throwing coarse crystals of salt over her shoulder and into the shoe she left behind, bewitching him to follow her footsteps.

Then Cinderella had banished them from the kingdom, commanding that they be buried alive in soot as proper punishment for their treatment of her; her story, tied together by lies, had gone down in books while they were left to die with the truth. The Baroness had had her wits about her—she hurried her daughters into the pantry on the night of the wedding, and covered them with ash to guard against their being seen. Occasionally she slipped holy water from a vial that she kept around her neck into the cook’s soup; she felt it her obligation to save the Prince.

So, with further thought and great feedback, I've decided to treat this piece as kind of a synopsis for a longer one. (We'll see if I ever get past the synopsis...ahh...I'll try). Thanks for all your help! (And, by the way, I'm still editing this and making it prettier, so reviews are still welcomed.)

Okay, this was kind of confusing. Is this story specifically about Cinderella? Or is it just a Cinderella-esque character? Is this what happens after the fairytale ends? Why are they in Buckingham palace? Who is the de la Faye character?
You mention someone "muttering spells under their breath" are they a witch? It's all a little bit blurry. I think you need to do a lot of elaborating to clear things up here, but it has potential. It's definitely different. Good luck!!
xoxo,
Shannon

Hi there Mars,

I have to say the idea of this story was exceptionally intriguing. You took the story of Cinderella, and aimed to make us question the validity of the credibility of her story. I'm not sure whether your intention was to show how badly bias can affect a story, but you successfully did so.

I really enjoyed your take on Cinderella. I don't know if you've ever read it, but there's a kids book entitled The True Story of the Three Little Pigs, which already uses your concept. Here's a link to the amazon page http://www.amazon.com/True-Story-Three-Little-Pigs/dp/0140544518

I suggest that you keep working on this as I think it has great potential, and instead of making it into a brief rant, retell the story of Cinderella from the stepsisters' perspectives. You see, the only problem I see here, is that it is too brief to be taken seriously, so I really think you should work a little more on it. Alternatively try get it published as a poem. You can't keep something this good between yourself and YWS, that's just plain selfish .

Have a good one!

-stalkstalkstalk- The least I can do, right? ^_^

Jacqueline de la Faye saw her hypnotize the Prince at the ball, and bit her lip until it bled to keep from crying out.

Here, I don't know that the comma is necessary and also the pronouns become just a bit confusing since the first 'her' refers to Cinderella, right? Then, without clarification, the reader might think the second 'her' does as well, which would be completely odd, because why would Cinderella bite her own lip? A different possible path of confusion would be thinking that Jacqueline de la Faye bit Cinderella's lip. o_O; Yeah. Anyways, perhaps think of a label to apply to Jacqueline such as 'the dethroned heiress' {okay, that's not going to work, but you get what I mean} to put in before 'bit' to clarify. ^_^

how she’d clung to him after Cinderella ran off

I think, were you to expand this, that this would be an especially interesting scene to elaborate upon. What heart-wrenching feelings the poor girl must have felt upon finding the passionate love burnt out so soon. ;=;

her story, tied together by lies, had gone down in books while they were left to die and take the truth with them.

The last part of this sentence is the only part that really bothers me. 'Take the truth with them' just seems less eloquent than the rest of the work, so perhaps speak of the truth dying as well? ^_^

Then, my only question is why they chose to stay in the castle after they were banished -- what kept them there? Was it only the mother's desire to save the Prince? ^_^

It is a fantastic work and there are so many places it can go. I like how you give the step-sisters names to make them really individuals rather than a pair of foils to Cinderella. -nodnod- Brilliant work and should certainly be expanded upon. LOVE YOU~

I really liked the idea of this story! It shows an interesting twist to the traditional fairytale and would make a good begginning for a longer story. I think its good as it is at this length but if you did want to extend upon the idea I think it could work really well. Just a couple of comments on things i feel could be improved:

In the farthest nook of the Buckingham Palace, in the kitchen pantry where no one goes save for the cook, who fortunately works in tunnel vision, a woman and her two daughters live the last of their days.

I felt this sentence was a bit too long to start with and could be broken down. You could either take out the 'who fortunatley works in tunnel vision' perhaps adding it later or you could put brackets around it to seperate it a little.

Her eyes cut daggers through the scullery maid, who was found dead in her bed the morning after an altercation, her fearful eyes wide open.

I'm not that keen on the arrangement of this sentence, you could put a full stop after scullery maid and then begin with 'the servent was found dead...' or replace who was with a semicolon.

but smiled a curve

I think this sentence could be improved, perhaps 'answered only in a smile that...'

Without these changes its still great, I love the writing style!

Hey Mars-- Did you have a name change recently? Did you used to be someone else...? *weird beginning of a review* o_O

First, I'm not a really big fan of the title. It's the name of a bad CG cartoon, and probably many other not so grand things. This could be a work-in-progress title, and then that's okay, but if you want this as the actual title then it's not a very original name and it doesn't draw the reader in very well do to it's typical nature.

In the farthest nook of the Buckingham Palace, in the kitchen pantry where no one goes save for the cook, who fortunately works in tunnel vision, a woman and her two daughters live the last of their days.

Typically I don't like "In the [location], far in the [location]..." beginnings, but I think this one works well because you have interesting word choice and I found it an appealing beginning.

They are dark now, so covered in dirt and so filled with botchelised tuna and expired corn, that they blend into the dark recesses of the pantry.

You're saying "they" an awful lot, in the previous sentences, creating a whole lot of that word in this beginning. Perhaps try to rephrase this sentence to at least diminish on the "theys" here -- "Their bodies are dark now, so covered in dirt and so filled with botchelised tuna and expired corn, that they..."

Some would call it ironic that Cinderella was dark once, too. They knew, as no one else did, of the blackness of her heart. It was not without reason that she clung to the chimney ashes, coating herself with coal, muttering spells under her breath.

Cinderella is a very popular well-known name, so the question that I find raised here is... does she live in the palace? Where in the palace? I'm a little lost about her status from the get go (maid, royalty), because I already have prior knowledge of her character and I'm not sure how that knowledge applies to your story from the start. Really, I just think you should clarify her status (still a maid, post marry the prince), in order for me to get an idea of how this Cinderella is different.

Now that I've finished all the story, it becomes clear -- this is a stepsister commenting on how actually evil Cinderella was. You're altering a fairy tale. This is really an awesome concept, and I think you've done a very good job with it so far.

You need to keep working on this though, expand the concept, keep writing with it. There are two major things I feel you need to do to make this more developed and stronger:

1. Connect Adeline to Cinderella
You imply at the end that they had a connection, and that Cinderella drove them out of the kingdom. And we readers go, "Oh, she's a step-sister!" at that point. Through the majority of this though I wasn't aware that Adeline had any direct connections to Cinderella. And, if someone isn't familiar with Cinderella, they're not going to reach the step-sister conclusion. You need to clarify that, act as if the fairy tale isn't so well-known and obvious, and still bring up some details to connect characters to one another. This story felt weak in the area where Adeline felt too distant from Cinderella.

2. Wrap It Up, Conclude
You don't have a very strong conclusion here. You tell a story and then what? I'm assuming that there must be more to this story, because you connect with the sister and the Prince. If not, then you need to develop a point. Why are you telling a story of the step-sister and the twisted Cinderella? What is the point? I'm guessing you're planning to write more, or at least -- more needs to be written.

So PM me if you have questions and keep writing!

~ Clo