P.u.r.i.f.y. The D-day

Poisoned (prisoned) peace-deathless decoration!
Unarmed, unable to prevent the penance.
Religion of rage unpacking upon us.
Indestructible incident rapidly raping.
Fallen flier of immaculate idol.
Years are yearning for forsaken freedom.
Death did dance on D-day.

I believe the proper rating for this is PG-13 or R?


It's hard to tell what this poem is about. I can see that the beginning of the lines read PURIFY D; but aside from that, it's very very hard to see the point to this poem. I think that each of these lines could contain a strong meaning that you could expand on, but it kind of leaves the reader wondering what they just read.

Welcome to YWS! I'd like to see more of your work around here

xxJune

Genius! I absolutely love the alliteration. It seems effortless. Darn you for making it look easy!

Anywayzerz, now for the real critiqueing.

darko.demark666 wrote:Poisoned (prisoned) peace-deathless decoration! I don't understand why prisoned is in parentheses. Well, I do, but it just doesn't seem to fit.
Unarmed, unable to prevent the penance.
Religion of rage unpacking upon us.
Indestructible incident, rapidly raping. Debating about the comma I put in. Take it or leave it, I guess.
Fallen flier of immaculate idol.
Years of yearning for forsaken freedom. Of seems better there, for some reason.
Death did dance on D-day.

Overall, it's brilliant. I especially love the last line. Nnice personification.

I changed the rating to PG.

I don't really like this because it is just a list of things, some statements put together. Also, though I love alliterations, sometimes it can be too much of a mouthful, like here. It makes it hard to read, hard to follow. I think, more than anything though, I don't like it because it is a grocery list of stuff about war. It doesn't make me feel anything, it just makes me tilt my head a little and feel confused.

Also, the fact that it is a whatever those poems are called when the title is spelled down the side probably just constrained you even more. Sometimes structure just slaughters the art.

Additionally! I'm going to change your title to lower case.

Purified pictures developed of distressed drawings:
Utterly unique paintings of peace
Raving right underneath us,
Intense intentions-robbed raiders,
Fearing faces of faith, immortal ideals!
Young yobs're fading fast.
Death didn't dance on D-day.

Suzanne wrote:I changed the rating to PG.

I don't really like this because it is just a list of things, some statements put together. Also, though I love alliterations, sometimes it can be too much of a mouthful, like here. It makes it hard to read, hard to follow. I think, more than anything though, I don't like it because it is a grocery list of stuff about war. It doesn't make me feel anything, it just makes me tilt my head a little and feel confused.

Also, the fact that it is a whatever those poems are called when the title is spelled down the side probably just constrained you even more. Sometimes structure just slaughters the art.

Additionally! I'm going to change your title to lower case.

It's mostly about freedom...I read your critic and you seem like hard to get... I had a problem with that "list of things" but I couldn't solve it so I post it so you might help me...thx There's another my work in this topic with same style...check it out if u want...

okay i'm not a huge poem fan really, but anyway this didn't make an ounce of sense to me. Where the heck does D-Day fit into this. im a huge world war 2 buff, emphasis D-day (i can name every beach landed on, and plenty of the sectors as well as some of the generals in charge for starters). also i think it should be pointed out that like Suzanne said the alliterations made it a tongue twister.

now for some specific things.

intentions-robbed

what the heck does that mean. this makes no sense ideologically nor grammatically, were these "raiders" stolen of all plans or something? try not to hyphen bind unless necessary BTW.

yobs're

what's a yobs?

Death didn't dance on D-day

if you're talking about the actual D-Day, trust me the fatality count was incredible. if you aren't talking about the actual D-Day, please explain what it is.

aloe wrote:okay i'm not a huge poem fan really, but anyway this didn't make an ounce of sense to me. Where the heck does D-Day fit into this. im a huge world war 2 buff, emphasis D-day (i can name every beach landed on, and plenty of the sectors as well as some of the generals in charge for starters). also i think it should be pointed out that like Suzanne said the alliterations made it a tongue twister.

now for some specific things.

intentions-robbed

what the heck does that mean. this makes no sense ideologically nor grammatically, were these "raiders" stolen of all plans or something? try not to hyphen bind unless necessary BTW.

yobs're

what's a yobs?

Death didn't dance on D-day

if you're talking about the actual D-Day, trust me the fatality count was incredible. if you aren't talking about the actual D-Day, please explain what it is.

Hah! My work here is done, I actually tried to write something that makes people wondering what is about.
Ever heard of "expressionism." The D-day in WWII. is, as far as I know, landing for Alliance-that means HOPE for some change, but here it's just hope for change, not landing, fighting, blood...

Yobs-similar to hooligans.

Alliteration should be like that(tongue twister) so you can HEAR every WORD for itself and then try to fit it with other words to make some sense. When you do that you can start thinking about the poem, because it has many ways to understand it.

Raiders-someone who brings us pain....robbed raiders-we bring them justice!

Thanks for review.

this...didn't make sense to me. i've read and critiqued a lot of poetry before. but this just made no sense.

where does D-Day come into this? none of the lines flow into each other. the second to last line doesnt make any sense at all.

i can tell you're trying to do alliteration and that part is okay. but the words placed together to form the alliteration makes no sense.

basically, this cant even be called poetry.

rothwise wrote:basically, this cant even be called poetry.

Wow, since when are you became E.A. Poe... You can say that, I would rather for you to kick my ass than say this. Anyway, critics should help us...not ruin our hope.