Demi-Demons

Guns inked on her hips, short-shorts displayed twisted lines that ended with dots, a sun and it's rays on her belly button, and the same decoration as her legs on her arms and back.
She had natural neon blue hair , dark purple eyes so they were almost black, and res rose lips. She was the girl you want but never able to get her, only one guy could. They were only together because they were the same. Demi-demons.
He had electric marks across his body, a moon on his bellybutton,and a twelve pack. Black hair and white eyes. He was a girls dream.




Chapter one:
Niki was staring out the window. She thought she saw people coming towards the school. "Niki, Trevor's coming you better pull your act together." Stevie said. She was Niki's best Friend and it's been that way since preschool. Trevor was her boyfriend, and the most handsome guy in the world.

Trevor was followed by his friends John, Eddy, and Jake. They were triplets and looked exactly the same: Blue eye's, blond hair, and muscular. Stevie and Jake were dating. Niki didn't know how she knew which on was which.

She was the girl you want but never able to get her,

you need a coma before the "but"

"Niki, Trevor's coming you better pull your act together." Stevie said.

you need to replace the period at the end of your dialogue sentence with a coma since your saying who's speaking.

OK, other than that your grammar was good. your first chapter is rather short, but your prologue makes me interested in how this story is going so pm when you write more.

My comments/editing are in bold.

Prologue:
Guns were (I know how you wanted it to sound, but it just reads oddly without the "were.") inked on her hips, short-shorts revealed (displayed doesn't quite fit) twisted lines that ended with dots, a sun and it's rays on her belly button, and the same decoration on her arms and back as her legs. (It flows a lot better like this.)
She had natural neon blue hair, dark purple eyes that were almost black, and red rose lips. She was the girl you'd want but would never be able to get. Only one guy could. They were only together because they were the same. Demi-demons.
Electric marks covered his body, and moon surrounded his bellybutton. He possessed a twelve pack, black hair, and white eyes. He was a girls dream. (It reads so much smoother this way.)




Chapter one:
Niki was staring out the window. She thought she saw people coming towards the school. "Niki, Trevor's coming. You'd better pull your act together," her friend* Stevie said. She was Niki's closest companion.† It had been that way since preschool. Trevor was her boyfriend (was he Niki's boyfriend or Stevie's? Make that clear.), and the most handsome guy in the world.

Trevor was followed by his friends John, Eddy, and Jake. They were triplets and looked exactly the same; Blue eye's, blond hair, and muscular. Stevie and Jake were dating. (don't wait till down here to say that he was Stevie's boyfriend.) Niki didn't know how she knew which on was which.

*You can kind of play with this but it makes the story pretty choppy and confusing without saying who's who.
†This fits in with the controversy above. You can keep this or change it. Just make sure it fits, it's not confusing and it sounds good.



All in all I think that this was a good beginning. You need some work with the last paragraph but I have no idea how you want it. It just sounds choppy. Make everything flow together by using a more extensive vocab and better transitioning words. Perhaps you could add, "Outside" to the beginning of the last paragraph. I don't know. It has potential and it is a very good idea for a story.

Keep writing-
X Forever Threnody
P.S. PM me if you have any questions.

I agree, it was a bit choppy, but I am anxious to see where you're going with this. PM me whenever you write more.

~Nikki

As a reader it was a bit hard for me to really connect with anything or anyone. Obviously you are creating a totally different reality than "us humans" are used to, and with that being said, I think it is extremely important for you to give a good sense of what this "different reality" looks like.

I am specifically referring to your opening paragraphs;

Guns inked on her hips, short-shorts displayed twisted lines that ended with dots, a sun and it's rays on her belly button, and the same decoration as her legs on her arms and back.
She had natural neon blue hair , dark purple eyes so they were almost black, and res rose lips. She was the girl you want but never able to get her, only one guy could. They were only together because they were the same. Demi-demons.
He had electric marks across his body, a moon on his bellybutton,and a twelve pack. Black hair and white eyes. He was a girls dream.

You brush over the subject of appearance but I find it hard to picture exactly what Niki looks like. Where do these twisted lines come from?? Are they wrapped around her whole body? What colour are they?

Also, I see a possibility for a contradiction here. You mention that she is only with her boyfriend because they are both Demi-Demons, but then you go on to say that he is the hottest thing since sliced bread. Do you see where I am going with this?

I really think this is a great idea, obviously your imagination could take this story to uncharted areas and I would be interested to see where it goes!

Keep it up!

well i did not catch any mistakes that the others didn't, so I'll just say i liked it the beginning really roped me in and made me want to read on i would really like to read more of it.