The Night the World Died

Mighty hand of God crashed down
scattering faithful all around
screams cut through the dark and gloom
echoes from the massive tomb

Eden destroyed
Nirvana a mirage
entirety of history just a collage
memories meaningless as forgotten dreams
mixing and melting of mental extremes

bold promise of no sorrow
anticipation of no pain
no hope for happy tomorrows
yet no snow and no steel rain

the white dove is lost
did she ever exist?
her loveless reply is given
no peace
and no bliss

no longer a future
and never a past
the present is scattered
like storm-shattered glass

cry out if you hear me
reach out if you feel
and answer me one thing:

is anything real?

Mercury616 wrote:Mighty hand of God crashed down
scattering faithful all around
screams cut through the dark and gloom
echoes from the massive tomb What happened to the commas, fullstops,...?

Eden destroyed
Nirvana a mirage
entirety of history just a collage
memories meaningless as forgotten dreams
mixing and melting of mental extremes Try rewrite this stanza 'cause it has nice thoughts but order and meaning of them isn't quite wright.

bold promise of no sorrow
anticipation of no pain this doesn't work
no hope for happy tomorrows sorrow-tomorrows-this isn't a rhyme
yet no snow [s]and no steel rain[/s]

the white dove is lost
did she ever exist?
her loveless reply is given
no peace
and no bliss

no longer a future
and never a past
the present is scattered
like storm-shattered glass

cry out if you hear me
reach out if you feel
and answer me one thing:
--------this space isn't required...
is anything real?

Nice thoughts ...
1. Poem has some special feelings about the cruelty of the world and I like that theme.
2. Capitals must be rewrited...also the commas,...

I have a diffrent veiw on crits. than other people i dont touch the style or the grammar I only touch the message. Okay for one this fit close to home for me as i have had many things devastate me and this poem flows wonderfully and effortlessy while at the same time just grabbing yo and making you read on. The message is kinda dark and hopeless which isnt a bad thing on the contray i think its what people should realize about the world or our culture i should say is flawed. what im saying is that this is the type of poem that would show people our culture lies all the time through things like the bible and history books. overall good job and awesome poem good work.

Foresight inspires insight does it not!?

I don't know how or want to review you on stuff like grammar but can review you on what you're trying to say!!!

is this the description of the real world

THIS world

this cruel world within this cruel universe collapsing under the wrath of a cruel God?

or are you alluding to some inner turmoil...some inner armageddon?

I really can't tell...

when I read it I sensed a calm figure within all the chaos...chronicalling it all.

I am pretty bad at reviewing on punctuation and capitalization but I'm pretty sure that capitalization is needed in the beginnings of most of your lines.

Anyway, I think that the flow of your poem is slightly messy. The first stanza has an awesome rhyme then the second until the fourth I think falls out of rhythm.

However, I absolutley love your poem because of its message. It is clearly driven in your poem. You used words perfectly and your ending was fantastic.