Bubbling, chapter 10

A/N: I know this keeps on being really non-action packed, but then again, this is in the Other Fiction, not Action/Adventure Fiction. But at least you don't have go reading the previous chapters to understand what this is about, haha. So, it's been a while – hope you'll enjoy!
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Satin looks so sweet when she's sleeping. Who could ever think now that behind those delicate features, there's a little demon ready to strike with nasty glances and sarcastic comments?
I'm only joking. My visit has lasted almost two weeks – how short it seems! – during whom Satin's behaviour toward me has improved massively. We're very close to having genuine, open-hearted fun, actually.
I slide the curtains open, letting the early morning light stroke Satin's face. Her strangely brown eyelids – she has apparently forgotten to remove her make-up – shiver slightly.
To avoid Satin's morning grumpiness, I return to my room before she wakes up and start – once again – observing the pretty view from the window. For once, it's not raining. The sky isn't even grey with clouds, which is quite something to be grateful of. I can tell it's going to be a clear and sunny day.
All of a sudden, Satin rushes in. I wince a little, but manage to collect myself quickly.
"Good morning, Satin. Did you sleep well?"
She has clearly expected me to say that. "No, because some brain-dead idiot has opened my curtains and caused me to wake up in the middle of the night!"
"I was just trying to ring the changes a little. You always sleep so long."
"A-ha, so you're confessing you're guilty. But why did you do that?" she asks, frowning. "And please, could you stop smiling? You're making my head ache."
I turn my head from Satin to face the rising sun. "Sometimes I get this great inspiration. Then I only want to write and make up beautiful, old-fashioned names."
"Uh, hello? You didn't really answer my question."
For some reason, I feel really frustrated.
"I opened them so, for once in your life, you could understand something!"
Satin looks genuinely surprised. I'm surprised, myself – I've never really raised my voice. I try to shake the momentary break down off by a good old inhale, exhale exercise and continue:
"I opened them to make you see how early the world wakes up. If you spend your life with curtains closed, it's like being blind! When you once wake up the same time the sun does, the respect toward the world is taken to an all new level. Besides, when you don't sleep late, you'll have more time to do whatever you want."
"But in the morning you're too tired to do anything, anyway", Satin keeps complaining.
"Six o'clock is not midnight", I snap. "The most wonderful thing is to sleep outside, when the stars and the moon are shining."
"Riiight. Why don't we just pitch a tent in the backyard and eat cold beans at the fire", Satin sneers.
"Excellent idea. Do you have a tent?"
She shots me an annoyed look, but I don't really care.
"Fine, I'm sorry for opening the curtains. I just wanted you to wake up the same time I do. For once."
"Oh, so it's too boring without me?"
"No. I just thought it would be good for you to try something different."
"Well, thanks a bunch for this great new experience", she grunts, yawning.
I stare at her. Minutes pass. Satin's expression is rather rebellious.
"Listen, are you mad at me?" I ask exactly the same time Satin says:
"You look like you're angry at me."
A silence of two seconds. Then we both start laughing and the tense atmosphere is gone.
"Give me the soap bubbles", Satin demands suddenly.
Ah. She can very well go get them herself. I just point at the table, which they're on. Satin whines, but quits after I rise my eyebrows.
She drags herself to the table, grabs the bubble bottle and blows an enormous cloud of bubbles toward me. I shriek and try to snatch the bottle from her, but she just keeps on blowing. I throw a pillow at her and manage to catch the bottle.
"I'm the winner!" I declare.
Satin sticks out her tongue, but I try my best to ignore it.
"What could we still do here?" I ask.
"You mean... What do you mean?"
"Before I leave. Two days is over sooner than we think..."
Satin looks suddenly uncomfortable.
"I... I'm going to... miss you", she mumbles and closes her eyes.

Whoa, I'm still the first to review this. I'll do the long-quote again. You know what my comments are in. For some reason I can never do a line-by-line of Bubbling. Oh, and I spread it out just to make it a little easier to read.

Demeter wrote:Satin looks so sweet when she's sleeping. Who could ever think now that behind those delicate features, there's a little demon ready to strike with nasty glances and sarcastic comments?

I'm only joking. My visit has lasted almost two weeks – how short it seems! – during whom Satin's behaviour toward me has improved massively. We're very close to having genuine, open-hearted fun, actually.

I slide the curtains open, letting the early morning light stroke Satin's face. Her strangely brown eyelids – she has apparently forgotten to remove her make-up – shiver slightly.

To avoid Satin's morning grumpiness, I return to my room before she wakes up and start – once again – I think the stuff between the dashes should go before "start" observing the pretty view from the window. For once, it's not raining. The sky isn't even grey with clouds, which is quite something to be grateful of. I can tell it's going to be a clear and sunny day. Hmm, I don't know about this. Since we haven't gotten anything where it shows the weather is usually gray it feels out of place.

All of a sudden, Satin rushes in. With the use of the word "rushes" you could drop "all of a sudden." Perhaps replace with "after a few moments" I wince a little, but manage to collect myself quickly.

"Good morning, Satin. Did you sleep well?"

She has clearly expected me to say that. "No, because some brain-dead idiot has opened my curtains and caused me to wake up in the middle of the night!" There isn't anything in her words that implies Satin expected her to say that. Rework the tag.

"I was just trying to ring the changes a little. You always sleep so long."

"A-ha, so you're confessing you're guilty.Usually when people confess they are guilty.. But why did you do that?" she asks, frowning. "And please, could you stop smiling? You're making my head ache." I'd replace "ache" with "hurt"

I turn my head from Satin to face the rising sun. "Sometimes I get this great inspiration. Then I only want to write and make up beautiful, old-fashioned names."

"Uh, hello? You didn't really answer my question." Love this line!

For some reason, I feel really frustrated.

"I opened them so, for once in your life, you could understand something!" Hrmm, this, with the lines below, don't really fit together. If anything, some of the stuff from below should replace "something"

Satin looks genuinely surprised. I'm surprised, myself – I've never really raised my voice. I try to shake the momentary break down [s]off[/s] by (with) a good old inhale, exhale exercise and continue:

"I opened them to make you see how early the world wakes up. If you spend your life with curtains closed, it's like being blind! When you once wake up the same time the sun does, the respect toward the world is taken to an all new level. Besides, when you don't sleep late, you'll have more time to do whatever you want." Cinnamon's getting preachy again.... Slim this down a bit to make it more natural and not so in your face.

"But in the morning you're I think you mean "I'm" too tired to do anything, anyway", Satin keeps complaining.

"Six o'clock is not midnight", I snap. "The most wonderful thing is to sleep outside, when the stars and the moon are shining." These two lines feel detached. Perhaps if you were to add "Besides" to the beginning of the second bit of dialogue it'd be better.

"Riiight. Why don't we just pitch a tent in the backyard and eat cold beans at the fire", Satin sneers.

"Excellent idea. Do you have a tent?"

She shots me an annoyed look, but I don't really care.

"Fine, I'm sorry for opening the curtains. I just wanted you to wake up the same time I do-- For once."

"Oh, so it's too boring without me?"

"No. I just thought it would be good for you to try something different."

"Well, thanks a bunch for this great new experience", she grunts, yawning.

I stare at her. Minutes pass. Satin's expression is rather rebellious.

"Listen, are you mad at me?" I ask exactly the same time Satin says:
"You look like you're angry at me."

A silence of two seconds. Then we both start laughing and the tense atmosphere is gone.

"Give me the soap bubbles", Satin demands suddenly.

Ah. She can very well go get them herself. I just point at the table, which they're on. Satin whines, but quits after I rise my eyebrows.

She drags herself to the table, grabs the bubble bottle and blows an enormous cloud of bubbles toward me. I shriek and try to snatch the bottle from her, but she just keeps on blowing. I throw a pillow at her and manage to catch the bottle.

"I'm the winner!" I declare. "I win" feels more natural in this case.

Satin sticks out her tongue, but I try my best to ignore it.

"What could we still do here?" I ask. What does she mean by "here"? I think you could nix it.

"You mean... What do you mean?"

"Before I leave. Two days is over sooner than we think..." Try: Two days will be over sooner then we think.

Satin looks suddenly uncomfortable.
"I... I'm going to... miss you", she mumbles and closes her eyes. Delete the second ellipse.

Hmm, It's probably a bad thing that this doesn't connect with the other chapters. It could be the beginning of some action/adventure fiction story in my opinion, but I'll also admit that's a stretch. It feels like you've started a new story without finishing the old one.

One nit-picky thing overall- you start all dialogue paragraphs with quotes. It doesn't bug me as much as in other cases since you give an emotion tag in front of it and don't put "said" in every line, but it can get a little repetitive.

Overall- Pretty good, but I don't like how detached it is. You'd need to finish the cliff-hanger on chapter 9 and put a little bit of exposition at the beginning of this to tie them together.

I can't wait to see what they pull! A tip: think big.

Hi Demeter darling! Sarah here! Sorry this is late, I've really been slacking with reviews recently.

Demeter wrote:Who could ever think now that behind those delicate features, there's a little demon ready to strike with nasty glances and sarcastic comments?

Get rid of 'now', it's redundant. I think you should add, 'out' after 'strike'.

My visit has lasted almost two weeks – how short it seems! – during whom Satin's behaviour toward me has improved massively.

'Whom' should be 'which,' you use 'whom' for people, lol.

Her strangely brown eyelids – she has apparently forgotten to remove her make-up – shiver slightly.

I liked the allusion to eyelids shivering, but you need to rephrase this sentence. I'd do, 'Her eyelids shivered slightly. They were strangely brown - she must have forgotten to remove her make-up.'

avoid Satin's morning grumpiness, I return to my room before she wakes up and start – once again – observing the pretty view from the window.

You should begin a new sentence after 'start.'

The sky isn't even grey with clouds, which is quite something to be grateful of. I can tell it's going to be a clear and sunny day.

Nix 'quite', it's irrelevant. 'of' should be 'for.'

All of a sudden, Satin rushes in. I wince a little, but manage to collect myself quickly.

Wince = bit extreme.

She has clearly expected me to say that.

I'd replace, 'She'd clearly expected me to say that.

"I was just trying to ring the changes a little. You always sleep so long."

Ring the changes? Doesn't quite make, sense. Did you mean, "I was just trying to change things a little." That would make more sense.

"A-ha, so you're confessing you're guilty. But why did you do that?" she asksfrowning. "And please, could you stop smiling? You're making my head ache."

A-ha = Aha.

I turn my head from Satin to face the rising sun. "Sometimes I get this great inspiration. Then I only want to write and make up beautiful, old-fashioned names."

Comma after then.

"I opened them so, for once in your life, you could understand something!"

No commas needed, disrupts the flow.

Satin looks genuinely surprised. I'm surprised, myself – I've never really raised my voice. I try to shake the momentary break down off by a good old inhale, exhale exercise and continue:

No comma after surprised. And I think you should write, 'I've never really raised my voice to her. Because I think she might have raised her voice to other people. At least once.

When you once wake up the same time the sun does, the respect toward the world is taken to an all new level.

This sentence doesn't make sense, we need to rephrase: Once you wake up the same time the sun does, your respect for the world is taken to a completely new level.

Besides, when you don't sleep late, you'll have more time to do whatever you want."

'when you sleep late' would sound better as, 'when you stop going to sleep late.'

"But in the morning you're too tired to do anything, anyway", Satin keeps complaining.

Rephrase, 'Satin keeps complaining' as 'Satin complains.' Oh, and the comma's messed up, it should be right after 'anyway' instead of after the speech marks. But that's just a minor point.

"Riiight. Why don't we just pitch a tent in the backyard and eat cold beans at the fire", Satin sneers.

Using multiple 'i's in 'right' makes it sound too chatspeak.

Overall Thoughts

This was a really sweet chapter, Demeter. I'm glad that Satin's finally starting to come out of her shell and accept Cinnamon as a friend, and her developement has been quite good throughout this. The dialogue was a bit talking-heads however, I think you could have put more description of the characters' actions while they were speaking, so we had a better visual image of the characters. It was also a bit of a short chapter so maybe we could have expanded a bit; either expanded the dialogue or expanded the description. We definately need to squeeze a bit more imagery and figurative language into here. Just really try to let your words flourish on the page [or screen, in this case ] and paint a picture for the readers of your characters.

Anyway, I'm sorry this is short but I'm practically dozing off on the keyboard, so I need beddybyes.
Talk to you soon, good luck, and thanks for the read!

-Sarah