To Be Weak [EDITED]

Edited...again, people keep saying good opinions!! Chapter one is COMING!! stay tuned.

Preface

These feelings were all new. Never had I ever felt being with someone could ever feel so wonderful…and draining.

Everywhere she touched made my bones melt to the core and body quiver with excitement, which only left me breathless and tired. The way she had such a power over me was new and unexpected. This was new, exhilarating. I didn’t think my heart could hold as much love as it did. Let alone have a beautiful girl love it back. Along with the kissing, hugging and hand holding I couldn’t find a time in my life when I had been this happy

Her lips touched mine again and again, making my feeble heart explode and my body grow frail with desire. Her intoxicating scent washed over me; my eyes rolled back with pleasure. After falling onto the couch, I wrapped her left leg around me, breathing heavily. She braided her fingers in my hair and kissed me; I felt the eagerness radiate from her, and my own made my heart pound loudly.

“I love you” I whispered.

Her eyes widened and face blushed deeply. Despite her reactions, I must have said something good because, with a tender expression on her features, she leaned down to gently kiss my neck.

My brain started to slow down, I couldn’t think anymore. Everything ran together even her face, her beautiful face. I broke out into a sweat for fear of passing out. I wrapped my arms around her waist to hold her closer. I heard a noise in the background but didn’t think anything of it because of the state of mind I had. I felt her body cower over me as if she wanted to protect me.

“What are you doing?” That’s what I heard right as my brain shut down and a black night covered my eyes.

This was pretty good and the length was okay for a preface.

Her lips touched mine again and again leaving me breathless, grasping her waist, pulling her closer. My eyes rolled into the back of my head as another wave of impotent hit again. We settled onto the couch lying down. I was on my left side while she was on her right.

This sentence was one that really didn't sit well with me. Its too wordy and carbonated.

This is my version of this chunk: 'Her lips touched mine again and again, leaving me breathless. I grasped her waist, and pulled her closer. The scent of her washed over me, making my eyes roll back. We fell back on the couch, as I wrapped her leg around me. Hands braided in my hair, she kissed me full on the lips.'

You can give more passion and make it less wordy, you know what I mean? Make your sentences flow.

All in all, I liked this and your title.

Please PM me when you have more.

Good luck and Keep Writing,

~Angel

Hey, welcome to YWS! I'm Sunny, and I have just a few things here . . .

I had never felt them before. Never had I ever felt something so wonderful…and draining.

This is really quite redundant. I suggest you strike the first sentence, and elaborate on the second. "Wonderful" and "draining" are good, but it doesn't let me know what is wonderful and draining. He could be climbing Mount Everest for all we readers know. So add more about the feelings themselves, what they are, and their power.

Everywhere she touched made me weak and tired.

These descriptions aren't too good. I want to know, to see, how he acts when he is weak and tired. And I want to know why. Why does this girl have such a profound physical effect upon him?

The kissing, hugging and hand holding made me want to pass out on a bench or collapse on the ground because my legs had gone limp.

The last part of the sentence isn't strong at all. His legs go limp. . . . okay. Why?

Her lips touched mine again and again, leaving me breathless, grasping her waist, pulling her closer.

Added a comma before "leaving" and after "again". Also: you switch scenes all of a sudden, not to mention tenses. You might add, "Like that time at (add location) . . ." But embellish it. You don't need to be excessive. A lot of the best works are the simple ones, but the simple ones compensate by being clear and insightful.

I was on my left side while she was on her right.

Okay, I didn't mean be super-specific. You don't need this, but if you would like to keep it, I would suggest you describe her face, or his raging hormones.

She braided her hands in my hair as I wrapped her leg around my waist.

Ooh. Good word. I can picture her winding her fingers into his hair; and I can also picture the seductive expression on her face, but for the sake of those who can't, you could put it in there.

Her mouth formed an ‘o’ and she seemed surprised by my words.

First bold: change it from 'o' to O. Second bold: you're telling instead of showing. We need more meat on the bone, here. So add more than just "surprised."

Whatever it was she let go and leaned in to kiss my neck.

Rewrite: "I must have said something good, because, with a tender expression on her features, she leaned down to gently kiss my neck."

Her lips railed down to my collar bone.

Stick this at the end of the last paragraph; it doesn't belong by itself. And changed "railed" to "trailed".

Then everything went black...

Nice ending. I like.

OVERALL: It's a good start. It meets all the criteria for a prologue, so no worries about the length.

I hope you like my suggestions, but remember that they are just suggestions. You don't have to do them if you don't want to. Anyway, keep going!

~Sunny

Ooh I like the version. It shows the MC's passion and it seems more believable and the sentences flowed well.

Favorite Sentence:

Everywhere she touched made my bones melt to the core and body quiver with excitement, leaving me breathless and tired.

Great Job

~Angel

Wow! Your editing did a lot! This was a big improvement! Angel's and mine reviews certainly helped. I think you've done a great job revamping this.

*drum roll* But, now for Round Two.

Everywhere she touched made my bones melt to the core and my body quiver with excitement, leaving me breathless and tired.

Much better! I could really feel the intensity of the relationship. But, I would take out "to the core". We don't really need to know that, and the sentence has enough words in it as it is. Also, I would add "my" before body.

The way she had such a power over me was new and unexpected.

This is great! The fact that he is realizing the new feelings is good, and you worded it great.

I didn’t think my heart could hold as much love as it did. Let alone have a beautiful girl love it back.

I would change "love" in the first half to something else, especially since love is mentioned in the last half. Replace the period with a comma, and lower-case the L on "let". You will find it will flow better. But I like the sentence!

Along with the kissing, hugging and hand holding I couldn’t find a time in my life when I had been this happy

Change "find" to "remember". He's pondering, so he's thinking and remembering. Also, you need to add a period at the end of the sentence. It was probably just a typo.

Her lips touched mine again and again, leaving me breathless.

Change the verb "touched" to "met" or "found", something with a little more passion.

I grasped her waist, and pulled her closer.

Strike the comma. The words after the comma do not make up a complete sentence, therefore they are dependent on the first half to be one.

The scent of her washed over me, making my eyes roll back. We fell back on the couch, as I wrapped her leg around me. As she braided her fingers in my hair her lips found mine with eagerness.

Great stuff, but a few errors in conventions. You do not need the comma after couch, and that sentence does not flow. You will find my rewrite below. Also, since you have an "as" in the previous sentence, you should strike the other one, too.

Rewrite: "Her intoxicating scent washed over me, making my eyes roll back with pleasure. After falling back onto the couch, I wrapped her leg around me, breathing heavily. She braided her fingers in my hair and kissed me; I felt the eagerness radiate from her, and my own made my heart pound loudly."

OVERALL: This only needs one or two more touch-ups before it can be declared a final draft. Good work! Again, you need not follow my suggestions. I put only what I thought would add professionalism to your story. Thanks for letting me read it and good work!

~Sunny

Yay! This is great. Now you are ready to move on, and I congratulate you for taking my criticism and suggestions so well. Most people just ignore them. (probably because I'm mean)

But you have to remember: when someone suggests re-writing a part of your story, you don't have to put down their exact words. Make their suggestion yours; make it fit your story. Not that any of the above don't, just remember that if you ever find someone giving you an alternative sentence, don't feel pressured to use it if you don't want to.

Great job! Can't wait for your next piece! PM me when you have something new.

~Sunny

Lol, everyone has all ready beaten me to the small critiques I would have made, but I still loved it. It's a great preface or prologue, whichever you prefer. The ending bothers me a little. It's a great way to stop abruptly, a "cold open," it is called. But I would prefer

"Then everything went black."

without the ellipses. Three dots extend the thought and made me go, "Oh.. it's the end.." But one period is... well, to be blunt about it... it's like BAM. THE END. And it just seems so much better. Haha.

I look forward to the rest!

JosephDean wrote:Lol, everyone has all ready beaten me to the small critiques I would have made, but I still loved it. It's a great preface or prologue, whichever you prefer. The ending bothers me a little. It's a great way to stop abruptly, a "cold open," it is called. But I would prefer

"Then everything went black."

without the ellipses. Three dots extend the thought and made me go, "Oh.. it's the end.." But one period is... well, to be blunt about it... it's like BAM. THE END. And it just seems so much better. Haha.

I look forward to the rest!

I completely agree! Haha .. there's basically nothing left for me to critique, how sad .
Well, I'll still let you know that it was really enjoyable. It left me wanting to read more, good job.

PandyBear528 wrote:These feelings were all new. Never had I ever (('I had never' would sound better in my opinion)( felt being with someone could ever feel so wonderful…and draining.

That's all I found!

I didn't do a ton for me but it was written well. If this is the preface to the story you and your friend have been writing, who's point of view is this from? Tyler or Jason, or someone completely different

Let me know when you add more to the story!

-Carly

Alright,

This is decent. I like the vividity in the description; it creates good tension. However, there were a few awkward sentences

Never had I ever felt being with someone could ever feel so wonderful

This sentence doesn't seem to flow together very well. I would try taking out the "ever". Maybe something like this:
Never could I imagine being with some one could feel so wonderful.

The way she had such a power over me was new and unexpected

This is a good sentence, but i would consider changing the "had" to "held".

Her mouth formed an O and she seemed surprised by my words

The only thing I would say this sentence needs is a comma between the "o" and the "and" because this is a compound sentence.

Nice work,

~Lola

It is only short and most of what i want to say is already done... soo...

Breathless

Right we get the point - she makes him feel euphoric. Now get off that word and leave it once - there are better words out there. Also -yes okay she makes him weak, but HOW.

Her mouth formed an O

Now just leave that as that and instead of

she seemed surprised by my words

SHOW us HOW. Telling us is not good enough. We want to know how. Why. Give us some sort of thing to go on.

The ending - i want to strangle you for. Nooo do not do that to me! I was waiting for some dramatic mom coming home or he does something wrong or something... not that. But tell us - if you are going to keep it - how, why, etc.

Here I am again with a the review you asked

Never had I ever felt being with someone could ever feel so wonderful…and draining.

I had to read this part a few times to actually get where the different phrases were. Perhaps

Never had I ever felt that being with someone could ever feel so wonderful…and draining.

If you place a "that" in the spot I show, it reads so much better and lets the reader's mind know where the clause is inserted. Grammatically, it's correct either way, though.

“I love you,” I whispered.

Don't forget your comma to end your quote!

“What are you doing?” That’s what I heard right as my brain shut down and a black night covered my eyes.

"That's what I heard..." is really informal. After reading all of the emotional words, reading that last sentence is kind of a let-down. Don't ever "dump information" in any style (and that is one of them, lol).

A black night slowly covered my eyes as a confused, "What are you doing?" crept into my ears.

Or something like that. Only an example, of course

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Your edits are fantastic; the story is still superb. You're really killing us with these Preface revisions; we need the first chapter!!!