The Elemental Gem

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Hey!


She sat there, minding her own business when her granddaughter came in and plopped herself down at her feet.

In this sentence, you repeat "her" a few times talking about both the grandmother and the grandaughter. Try and clear that up by using a few less pronouns.
~~~~~~~~~
the little girl asked as she got into her grandmother’s lap.

Explain this more. Say how she may have struggled to reach her grandmother's lap or something like that.
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“Moira, you have heard that story quite a few times already,” Eirian said.

What does she sound like? Raspy with age?
~~~~~~~~~
“I know, but I want to hear in again. Your story with grandfather is very interesting and adventurous,” Moira said as she lean against her.

Moria seems to formal for a young child.
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“Mom, have you seen Moira?” the little girl’s mother inquired as she came to the doorway.

You used 'inquired' before, go for something else. Also, I'd write a way to make the mother trail off in mid sentence when she sees her daughter in her mother's embrace.
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“I’m right here and I was about to hear grandma’s tale,” Moira said as she looked at her mother.

I'd split this up somehow. "I'm right here, mommy," Moira said as she looked at her mother. "Grandmother was about to tell me a story." Something like that.
~~~~~~~~~
“Not the one where she meets grandpa again,” the mother said. The small child nodded. “But it’s getting close to your bed time.”

This a bland and robotic. in the tag, add a roll of the eyes or lowered tone.
~~~~~~~~~

That's all I have for advice. Sorry if I wasn't too helpful. I'm interested in the grandmother's story. Hope it's adventerous. Ha :D
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched




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I thought it was really cool, and I want to hear more!
Many ask me if I see the glass as half full or half empty. Well, I don't know about you, but I see the glass as, WHO DRANK HALF OF MY MILK?!?!?!




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Night Mistress: Yes, I read the actual thing. I didn't find too many things wrong with it, just that the introduction had a lot of hers and shes. It's a little repetitive, and I just think you could be a little more creative with it, and also maybe you could have some more detail with the rest of the story.




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An old woman sat in a rocking chair with her hands in her lap, rocking back and forth.

Okay, this a straight out tell. Describe about the rocking chair. And the word rocking was used twice. Try, swayed back and forth.

She enjoyed the warmth of the fire as it radiated from the hearth. Her face was wrinkled with time. Her long, once black hair was now white with old age. Her dark green eyes had dimmed with the years passed by.

This is a great one. To me, this was all show and no tell. Great job!

She sat there, minding her own business when her granddaughter came in and plopped herself down at her feet.

Okay, between this sentence and the last, they didn't transition well. Maybe add another sentence in or rephrase this one.

“I know, but I want to hear in again. Your story with grandfather is very interesting and adventurous,” Moira said as she lean against her.

Well, if it's adventurous, I'd like to hear it.

“Ah, all right,” the little girl said with a pout on her face. Rosa shared a smile with her mother.

The word Ah, didn't click with me. Try, Oh. Because if she's pouting, then she's most likely to say that.

“Alright. In the year of the great goddess, Aeona….” She started.

Oh, a goddess, really?

*Night Mistress~
I hope I could help you. These were the mistakes and comments I had. Sorry, if it took so late to review this. Anyway, if you do continue, pm me me!
*Merry
Mary had a little lamb. Little lamb. Little lamb!

Ugh!! I really hate my name. >.<




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Do not read this version any more.

go here if you really want to read this story.

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"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion




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are we even writers if we never did huge research and used none of it?
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