Through My Eyes -Part2

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Any one ?? Any comments???

I must say, this feels as if I know the character. He lives and breathes, and that's very good.

My sisters always complained that [i]appa

ignored them, while he treated me like royalty.[/quote]

Show, don't tell! Give us a conversation between him and his sisters.

They would be killed as infants if not for a government law prohibiting this.

Again, show us this. Has he ever witnessed an infant being killed? Does appa tell him about killings in his day?

My back turned red, with blood trickling down it and tears swelling my eyes.

This is much, much better.

Overall: you've given a strong impression of village life. Keep it up. *gold star*

Hey!


Well, first off
I really like this line.
"My sisters had always complained that appa never so much as spared a glance at them, while I was treated like royalty. I wished it had been the other way round. I never wanted to be treated like one,"
I love that he wanted, more than anything, to be treated like a person, not like a King. That he wanted his father to get to know him.


I reviewed your first chapter as well, and I've got to say the same here.
Example:
"Even in school, we boys were taught separately, learning more than the girls, who were asked to do chores for the schoolmaster’s wife as part of their lessons."

Instead of STRAIGHT OUT saying 'the boy's and girls were taught separately - girls were asked to do chores for -- wife', you could just add that piece of information in.

You could, for example, write:

"In the playground, as the sun shone bright, my eyes accidentally met with Priya's. Highlighting the streaks of red in her hair, the sun reflected a face which told stories of loneliness and isolation to my glazed eyes. Not a second later, the girls were hurried back to their own classes by fierce mistresses, and the boys were gently told to make their way to their classrooms."
Et cetera, et cetera.


I really like your story though, I just wish the writing was a little more detailed and poetic.



Rose.!