light.love.darkness.

it really needs improvement, and you can do a lot.


Chapter One

"Definitely yes."
It was Denisse's strong and firm voice that echoed in the large Hall of the Palace. She was standing before the Elders, her head bowed and her hands on her side. Her long satin tunic was draped loosely around her small body.
One of the Elders, Arpe, stood up. "Denisse," he said in a low voice, stroking his gray beard, "then it is up to you to mediate between them. Your mission is to guarantee that the two warriors fight each other."
Denisse looked up. The Elders are seated on tall silver chairs, gathered together in a semi-circle before a curved white table. The eldest and wisest, Ruwin, sits in the center. The floor is crystal, and a long flight of stairs separate Denisse from the Council of the Elders.
Tall curtainless windows let the air enter, and it sent a shiver in Denisse's spine. She had stood before the Council several times already, but this time is different. she feels something wrong.
"Who will be the warriors?" she asked.
"The tribe of White Angels chose Louie," Ruwin answered.
"And the Dark Angels?"
Ruwin stood up before answering. "Their messenger had not yet arrived," he said, "but I am assured that they have chosen a warrior. Neverthelles, if they fail to choose a warrior to fight Louie, then the White Angels will finally dominate over them."
"Where will they fight?"
"Earth will be the battlefield," Ruwin said. "Tomorrow, if the weather permits, the warriors will set off, and it is your duty to keep track of them. The battle might last for a couple of days, months, or even years." He ended the conversation by lowering his eyes and taking his seat.
Denisse bowed one more time before spreading her powdery blue wings. The Hall doors opened, and she took flight.
As she flew upward in the sky, gaining altitiude, she could feel both the heat from the afternnon sun and the cold air on her pale skin. The wind blew hard on her long dark hair.
She decided to walk home, so she flew downward. slowing down, she steeped on the ground and her wings folded. She put on her cloak, the hood half-covering her face.
Denisse took one more look at the west tower of the Palace, where the Hall is located. She was certain that the Elders are watching her. With a heavy heart, she made her way through the crowded streets of the Kingdom.
Usually, Denisse was happy whenever a centennial battle is held. She gets to explore new things and discover new places. But now she felt sad. Yes, she was again the mediator, but this time it is different, because Louie will be the one to fight.
Denisse was born with a rare condition. Her wings are light blue, very different from the wings of common people, which are light brown. Because of this, the other angels distanced themselves from her, and she did not have any friends.
Her parents are the most loving parents she ever had. Adelpha and Bonvien are both ministers in the Palace, and they always have time with her. Sometimes they take her to the Palace, because she plays the harp before the Elders.
Denisse thought she was the only child of her parents, because she does not have any siblings. The truth is, her elder brother and sister both died during childbirth, and her parents did not tell her.
The Elders, on the other hand, decided to keep her and let her live in the Palace, and her parents agreed. After all, there is no harm in letting their daughter close to the Elders.
At that time, a war is erupting between the tribe of the White Angels, and the tribe of the Dark Angels. No one was to mediate, and the Elders chose Denisse. They are pleased with her simple beauty and straightforwardnees, and they made her immortal. Now, Dennise became the legendary Mediator, the only immortal angel aside from the Elders.
The streets of the Kingdom are filled with the citizens of the Kingdom-angels who greet one another with friendly greetings, angels who help one another during times of trouble. Under the reign of the wise Elders, everyone lived in harmony.
Denisse walked past a street full of vendors. Two boys ran past her, playing tag. A girl carried a basket full of ripe tomatoes and an elder lady accompanied her. At first thought, they seemed to be ordinary people. They walk and they run, but they have wings.
"A pleasant afternoon, Denisse."
Upon hearing her name, Denisse spun around. There, standing before her, was the chosen White Angel warrior, Louie.

Hello Telle. I'm going to give you a line by line crit.

The Elders are seated on tall silver chairs

Here you used present tense. It should be 'were,' not 'are.'

As she flew upward in the sky, gaining altitiude, she could feel both the heat from the afternnon sun and the cold air on her pale skin. The wind blew hard on her long dark hair.
She decided to walk home, so she flew downward. slowing down, she steeped on the ground and her wings folded. She put on her cloak, the hood half-covering her face.

Hm. These two don't flow together very well. I'm not sure how to fix it though. X(

Her parents are the most loving parents she ever had.

This implies that she's an orphan.

Sometimes they take her to the Palace, because she plays the harp before the Elders.

Again, you switched to present tense here. Also, I suggest you reword this sentence.

Denisse thought she was the only child of her parents, because she does not have any siblings. The truth is, her elder brother and sister both died during childbirth, and her parents did not tell her.

If Denisse doesn't know about this, then we don't need to know it either- not right now, anyway.

The Elders, on the other hand, decided to keep her and let her live in the Palace, and her parents agreed. After all, there is no harm in letting their daughter close to the Elders

This is a little confusing. How is this related to the previous paragraph?

At that time, a war is erupting between the tribe of the White Angels, and the tribe of the Dark Angels. No one was to mediate, and the Elders chose Denisse. They are pleased with her simple beauty and straightforwardnees, and they made her immortal. Now, Dennise became the legendary Mediator, the only immortal angel aside from the Elders.

Hm. This doesn't seem quite relevant right now. You could show this through other character's treatment of her, i.e., they're polite to her, but not necessarily nice to her, etc.

Well, it's a very interesting story. I like Denisse, and I'm interested in seeing how this is all going to work out. Definitely keep writing. If you need anything, feel free to PM me. ***I^o^I***

*Seraph*

hey,

your story seems interesting enough for me to want to read more. Some of your grammar can be fixed when you re-read your way though it. And some of your information is too unimportant to be this pericular chapter.

now i have some question(s):

Why are the elders send Denisse to make sure that the two warriors fight? do they want a war or something?

well, i hope you continue on writing. Good luck.

NM

thanks for the suggestions. i know the first chapter isn't that good, because i just wrote it on a piece of paper yesterday morning, and i didnt have much time to proofread it.

but the comments did real help, and i'll try my best to edit it. i'm really grateful for those who appreciate it, especially those who had the time to comment.

honestly, this is my first fantasy fiction story, and i'm not used to writing fantasy. my five classmates encouraged me to write a story about mythical beings, the topic fell into angels, and the rest is history.

~
~
~

You are most welcome.

Your first fantasy? That's good- it's good to write in different genres; helps expand your writing skills.

your story seems interesting enough for me to want to read more. Some of your grammar can be fixed when you re-read your way though it. And some of your information is too unimportant to be this pericular chapter.

now i have some question(s):

Why are the elders send Denisse to make sure that the two warriors fight? do they want a war or something?

well, i hope you continue on writing. Good luck.

~~~~
well, hello.

i'm glad for your comments. i'll answer your questions..

>the elders are sending Denisse to be the mediator, you know someone who takes care of something? She's the immortal maiden who spent her life mediating a war between two tribes.

>a war, yes there's a war. according to the plot my five classmates helped me construct, there has been a competition beween Dark Angels and White Angels. these are two tribes who fight for the authority to reign over the common people. they send warriors as representatives of their own tribes, but unfortunately the warriors always fall in love with each other, so there is no winner.

well, i'm looking forward for more suggestions and questions. thanks!

Whoa, hold on a minute. You don't have to answer our questions like this. We'll be able to see it unfold in your story.

You do a lot of telling and not showing. You should try to fix up as much of this as possible so that the reader doesn't feel like they are reading a story instead of being involved with it by making their own conclusions and understanding it themselves, whenever possible.