Leoni

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This is the first thing I'm posting on here and I would really appreciate someone taking a look at it. Please dont be too harsh though, constructive criticism only!

p.s. I know the title is the same as my pen name but I only just realised this! This has always been called Leoni for reasons that become apparent, but I suddenly realised I named myself after it! Oh well....


Prologue

The streets of Old Karnac were knotted and gnarled from years of wear and use. Some led to rows of houses, some to the old gates of the royal castle, whereas others led to nowhere but further dark passageways. Houses bulged from their allotted spaces onto the cobbles, growing ever taller with necessity. Drying lines were strung between the houses like stitches on a wound; a desperate attempt to keep the streets from bursting open. However it seemed that wherever one looked, Old Karnac was splitting at the seams.
At this time of night, the city bristled with the sorts of activities reserved for the darker hours of the day. The horse clattering idly through Old Karnac was largely ignored, the general idea being that was normal for shadowy figures on horseback to travel through the city at night.
This rider’s eyes were cast to the underhand deals and the brutality in the corners with little surprise or worry. Dressed for the winter - with a cloak draping him from the neck to his boots - he had his hood pulled low over his face and shoulders hunched against the chill. The white shirt underneath his torn-open jacket was muddied by spatters from rivers and marshes along the journey. Fingers encased in worn and holed gloves gripped the reigns and knee-high felt boots rubbed gently against the horse’s side. He brought the horse to a stop in a central courtyard, movements in the shadows halting temporarily to watch. The rider moved his eyes upwards, tilting back his head. Above him, on an rugged outcrop of black stone, the royal castle sat comfortably in the silence. The windows were shuttered like hooded eyes and all lights bar the ones guarding the gates were dimmed or shut out. In great rooms smelling of wood smoke and winter flowers, the King and his guests slept uneasily. The rider took his time studying the sight before him, hands loose on the reigns.
The hood soon glided off his tilted head, revealing his pale face to the stars’ glow. He was young, his hair thick and as dark as his eyes. His face was unused to such seriousness, handsome features clouded. His chest rose with a deep breath and with a nudge of his heels, he urged the horse into the street ahead.

The gates of the royal castle did not open without good reason, and the guards took a long time to study the rider as he pulled the horse just short of them, his hood now back in place.
“Name?” one of the guards asked gruffly, as the other circled with narrowed eyes.
“I’m expected,” the rider said with a thin patience.
“You’re expected? This time of night?” the guard scoffed and made a tugging gesture with his hand, “Take down your hood, let me see you.”
With a roll of his eyes, the young rider pushed back his hood.
“Oh. It’s you.”
“May I come in?”
As the guard prepared to toss back an answer, the gate door swung open with the creak and groan of hinges long-ignored. Recognising the newcomer, the guards straightened then bowed, unconsciously letting the hilts of their swords go.
“Your Majesty. It’s Bluekai. Does he have permission to come in?”
“Of course, you can let him through. But quietly, please.”
Prince Arkane inclined his head and his face lit up with a smile, “It will probably be best for everyone if my father does not realise he is here.”


Bluekai had tethered his horse and was beginning to brush him down when Arkane spoke again.
“Blue’. Where are your family at the moment?”
“Dred Valley.”
“Is it really too cold to stay in your village?”
“The dogs can barely bury their sticks. Raising vegetables is out of the question. So...” he brushed clinging pieces of straw from his gloves, “...the Dred valley it is. Then to the coast, I think we are going to Sanhuay.”
“Ah,” Arkane smirked, “Mixing with pirates? Do the Jaila not have a poor enough reputation as it is?”
Bluekai sighed and made the last tie on his horse’s blanket, “What did you call me here for, Arkane? I rode halfway across Katoric to come here, and it is not as if I’m welcome. If your father finds out you’re still fraternising with a Jaila-”
“I found something,” Arkane interrupted, his smile childishly devilish.
“You found something?” Bluekai growled after a moment’s pause, “Found something? That is it? You called me across the kingdom to come and look at something you found?”
Arkane took hold of Bluekai’s wrist, pulling him gently towards the stable door. Bluekai jumped at the feel of Arkane’s skin against his, but it did not deter Arkane from tugging him out into the courtyard.
“Where are we going?”
“I’m going to show you what I found.”
“It had better be good,” Bluekai threatened half-heartedly, “If it’s those trousers that I lost under your bed the last time I was here, then there really was no need to call me.”
“They aren’t your trousers, Bluekai,” Arkane smiled with a chuckle.
For reasons both physical and something else - something he could not quite identify - he could not wriggle from Arkane’s grip. With Arkane’s tall, broad-shouldered frame protecting him from the wind, he let himself be dragged through a side entrance to the royal castle.

Inside, the walls were bathed in the buttery yellow of the night candles. Bluekai felt the warmth immediately begin to seep through his stiff, cold clothes. For the first time since he arrived, he caught Arkane’s face in full light as he turned to show him up the stairs.
His hair had grown a little longer since his last visit, Bluekai mused. His light brown curls now licked the tops of his ears, green eyes set into a more defined face. His twenty second year had accentuated the seriousness in his features, a seriousness that lay beneath a more childish persona. Bluekai suddenly felt dwarfed by his old friend.
“So what have you found?” he whispered, as they drew up outside one of the many bedroom doors. At the back of his mind Bluekai knew there was one door he would recognise any day.
“Come and see.”
Arkane shouldered open the door and ushered Bluekai in. The room did not have the splendour of most, but it was unmistakably a room of the Katoric royal family’s home. The bed was four poster, barely making an impression on the four walls sweeping to the high ceiling.
On the bed, however, lay four figures. The bed was large enough to leave space between them all as they lay on their sides. Two girls, and two boys. Hair straggled and clothes smeared with mud, they were bruised and battered.
“Who are they?” Bluekai asked in a low voice, eyes wide.
“We don’t know. They swept up in a foreign boat on the coast. But look at their clothes.”
Bluekai stepped forward and took in the dark blue, firm material of their trousers.
“They’re...odd. I haven’t seen anything like them before.”
“No. Exactly. My father was suspicious; he had them drugged when they arrived. I think he is struggling to know what to do with them.”
“Who are they?” Bluekai asked again, inching closer.
“Nobody knows. But they had this with them.”
Arkane leant around Bluekai to a small dresser table and scooped up a muddied, silver object. He opened up his palm and held it out for Bluekai to inspect.
“No wonder your father is nervous about them.”

-------------------------

Thanks guys!




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Hello, and welcome to YWS. Since your new, I'll just mention that incase you haven't heard, you should review two stories or poems now, having posted one of your own.

At this time of night, the city bristled with the sorts of activities reserved for the darker hours of the day


Er, what? In the night there are activities reserved for dark hours of the day? Revise this sentence so it makes sense.

The horse clattering idly through Old Karnac was largely ignored, the general idea being that was normal for shadowy figures on horseback to travel through the city at night.


The tone here jars, its sardonic and out-of-sync with the rest of the piece. Also, let me tell you it is not normal for anyone to be on horseback at night, in the city -- given city gates usually close at dusk and opened at dawn for security reasons. At least in most stories bound by logic ^_^

Having said that, it was fairly well written and easy to read.Description and characterisation were done well and the hook, though tired, worked. I hope this turns out to be more than just another displaced teen story. Good luck.

Cheers
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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Ooh, very nice. I'm not sure why, but I instantly liked Bluekai simply for his name. Bluekai. I don't know... It's just a cool name.

That said, the rest of the story was good too. The writing was solid. I'm a little confused from all the names and situations (not to mention hinting at other situations), but I guess that would all work itself out as the story unfolded.

The beginning description of Old Karnac was kick-fanny. Seriously, I was in ecstasy reading about the clothesline "stitches". Really amazing description there. In fact, the entire beginning, what with the shadowy rider and whatnot, was very witty. It sounded almost tongue-in-cheek. Intended? Either way, it was an interesting tone to the story.

So...” he brushed clinging pieces of straw from his gloves, “...the Dred valley it is. Then to the coast, I think we are going to Sanhuay.”

I don't really like the ellipses interrupting the speech, and I'm not sure if you puncutated that correctly, though I don't know what the correction would be. Therefore, I'd just edit it a bit.

ex. So," he said, brushing clinging pieces of straw from his gloves, "the Dred valley it is. Then to the coast. (period) I think we are going to Sanhuay."

Yes, very nice, very nice. I want to read more. Keep on writing!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.




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Hey Leoni, me again -Stella, here to review you!

I. NITPICKS

the sorts of activities


sort, I would say, not sorts

hands loose on the reigns.


reins.

“Your Majesty. It’s Bluekai. Does he have permission to come in?”


It's probably a matter of taste, but I'd call a prince His Highness, not His Majesty.

II. DETAILS

You put an awful lot of details in here, Dred Valley, the... Jalia, is it? Things like that that we don't know about. While it's good to show that you have a firm grip on what you're dealing with, be sure not to overload your reader, else they'll say "Wow, that just went way over my head" and stop reading. Take it slow, we're simple-minded creatures :D

III. OVERALL

Not bad, not bad at all. In fact, good. I actually quite enjoyed it and would actually like to read some more. If you're planning on posting more, could you please PM me when you do?

Hope I helped, and PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella.
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Wow. Sorry for not being more specific, but this was amazing! One small detail, however:

with a thin patience.


Shouldn't you omit the 'a'? It sounds a bit awkward otherwise.

Anyway, this is one of the best fantasy stories I've ever read. The description was well done, all the metaphors and similes were excellently used. The characterization was superb, and the ending left me wanting more. This was definitely getting a star.

Like Stella said, could you PM me when another part is up?
There once was a cat.
He wasn’t particularly fat.
Fuzzy was his favorite mat.
And really, that was that.

Oh, but did you really think so?
Keep reading, it’s just the start of the show!
And as for how far this tale will go…
Well, even the cat doesn’t know.




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I must say, it's good to see a medieval-themed story. They're so few and far between.

Dressed for the winter - with a cloak draping him from the neck to his boots - he had his hood pulled low over his face and shoulders hunched against the chill. The white shirt underneath his torn-open jacket was muddied by spatters from rivers and marshes along the journey.


Very good description; it puts me in mind of Mary Stewart.

The rider's eyes were cast to the underhand deals and brutality in corners


Doesn't quite work. Maybe, "The rider's eyes crept quick glances to the underhand deals and brutality..."

There's little else I can point out. Again, this reminds me of Mary Stewart; perhaps you've read her work?




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Thank you very much for your replies guys :D This is my first real go at fantasy so I very much appreciate the help.

Hmm...I wasnt quite sure about that sentences with the elipses either. You're right, the way I did it doesn't work. I think I might just change the whole sentence.

GryphonFledgling wrote:It sounded almost tongue-in-cheek. Intended? Either way, it was an interesting tone to the story.


When I'm describing a place this is often the tone I take. Someone else mentioned it was out-of-sync so I'll take that into account, but I often do it without realising!

I will be posting more really soon, I'd love the help again so I'll be sure to PM who ever asked :)


Thanks again guys. I'll be back soon with some more!




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hey there,
this is really good!
I wanna read more know to know what happens.
The beggining had some really good descriptions, and I hope you plan to introduce all the places.
I hope you keep writting and keep posting,
good luck.




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Good job Leoni! (I have a friend with that name, she says it's catching on again)

Anywho, this was great, and not merely for a first-post. I'll just add my take.

First, you seem a litte rough at the beginning, as though you're settling into your pace. I loved the "Old Karnac was splitting at the seams", it added a nice element to your imagery, but where you say the houses were bulging from their "allotted spaces" it feels awkward. Maybe you could reword that, and polish the first few sentences. They are at times... um, I'm not sure if convoluted is the world I'm looking for, but it sure is fun to say.

So, I can't wait for the next installment! Thanks for posting.

-Mira
if you don't laugh you must weep- proverb




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Thanks for all the reviews so far guys! This is the next bit, chapter 1 but not all of it yet.

Chapter 1 Part One

By nature, the Jaila were used to the tough environment of their home valley. Nestled awkwardly between the two kingdoms of Katoric and Ethleren, the Jaila valley was carpeted richly by forest, and blighted by the extreme weather of the seasons. Its violent and confrontational relationship with its two neighbouring kingdoms were evident in the large scoops of missing earth that pock marked their land; the result of the most recent and devastating catapult assaults. As resilient to the tyranny of their enemies as they were to the tyranny of the weather, the Jaila huts sat hunkered in small clearings dotted about the valley. It was only winter which drove the them from their valley; two months of snow, ice and cold that killed indiscriminately. They had learnt from previous experience that their land was relatively safe; no invading force from Katoric or Ethleren could survive a winter in the valley either. So each winter season, they begrudgingly moved into the kingdom of Katoric and travelled impatiently, eager to return home. As hostile as Katoric was, it was significantly warmer than their homeland, and they found friends and temporary homes amongst the more roguish and rebellious elements of Katoric society.

Bluekai felt some of the familiar home-longing now. The shutters had been opened in Arkane’s room, letting in chill morning air. The bed sheets were rumpled and creased, starting to cool in the empty space to Bluekai’s right where there had previously been a warm body sleeping. Reflecting morosely about home, he sat up stiffly in the bed and blinked blearily around at the room, focusing eventually on Arkane in the far corner.
“Why are you awake so late?” Arkane asked without turning to his friend, hunched as he was over reams of paper.
“Why were you awake so early?” Bluekai replied snappily. He reached one hand behind his back and set his fingers to work loosening the kinks and knots in his muscles, “I rode for two days to get here, I barely slept! And your bed is too comfortable. But you have no excuses for getting out of bed so early this morning.”
“I had things to do.”
“What sorts of things?”
Bluekai staggered from the bed, drunk from fatigue, and shuffled over to where Arkane was reading. Bluekai had the borrowed pair of bed trousers he wore held tightly at the waist, fearful that they would fall to the ground at any moment. Otherwise he was naked, his hair impossibly wilder than the day before. Daylight showed up the mud under his nails and caked in patches on his neck and at his temple. Arkane, however, was dressed in a soft white shirt and riding trousers, ankle-high leather boots on his feet and the crest of the Katoric rose emblazoned on the leather strap around his wrist.
Arkane looked up from the papers and ran his eyes up and down his old friend’s appearance.
“Did you ride through the marshes to get here?”
“Your message said ‘urgent’. Of course I rode through the marshes, it’s the quickest way.”
“Hm. Well that explains the smell there was last night.”
Bluekai’s free hand shot out and slapped Arkane around the back of the head.
“I will take a bath once I am properly awake. And I thought you wanted to show me something.”
Bluekai sat heavily next to him and peered around his wide frame to see what was written on the papers, “What is all this?”
“I attended a council meeting this morning. In amongst all the new tactics we have to eliminate you Jailas once and for all, there was a lot of talk about those four foreigners we found yesterday. Some of my father’s men had gone through the records and they found these accounts of a similar situation happening forty or so years ago. My Grandfather kept it very secret; only a few advisors were trusted with the matter. My uncle was away as a soldier, so nobody who was around the table this morning really knew about it.”
Bluekai scooped up one of the closest documents and inspected the title.
“Can you read it?” Arkane asked, a little tentatively. After a moment’s pause, Bluekai scowled and handed the paper back over, “No. What does it say?”
“This one describes exactly what was found twenty years ago. Six ‘youngsters’ - just a little younger than us - came aground on the coast near Sanhuay. They were wearing similar clothes to the four that were found yesterday, in a similar sort of boat too. They were brought to Old Karnac, as these four were. Two days later, they died. The royal physician at the time said they slowly became unable to breathe, and died not long later.”
“And what about the object this four were found with. That silver key.”
“It’s not mentioned.”
Bluekai shook his head, “This is so...strange. If this has happened before then...well, your uncle needs to do something about it. We have no idea where they are coming from, who they are, what they want. Ten so far. The first group died, but even so, it’s reason to act.”
“My uncle seems to think the same thing,” Arkane nodded, an intense frown of concentration on his brow.


A huddle had formed around the bed where the four were still drugged into sleep. The room was heavy with They had not moved, and nobody had taken it upon themselves to clean them up. The dirt was now dry in their hair and the smell of the sea had permeated into the room.
“Will they die soon, or will they wake before then? We should ask them questions.”
King Mayadeen’s nerves were barely hidden, his back stiff and jaw tensed. The stress lines in the corners of his eyes and forehead were accentuated in the unforgiving morning sunlight. His forty years of age was young for such an established King; due to his elder brother’s death as a young man and his father’s disappearance soon later, Mayadeen had been forced into the position of King sooner than many had deemed respectable at the time. The role, however, had taken a toll on him.
“This will not a repeat of last time,” he insisted, “I want to know what is going on. I want to know where these people are coming from.”
“Uncle, where are we meant to start?” Arkane asked gently, seeing how fraught he uncle was, “Should we not wait until the envoys from Ethleren come?”
The King seemed to sink into thought for a moment, before he snapped, “Keep guards watching them. If they wake, I want to be told immediately. And I want to find out where these people may be coming from. The records should be searched, the library...I will not let this become a threat to my kingdom.”
Arkane did not hide his sigh, one hand going to his forehead to rub away the growing tension. Advisors scurried hurriedly out of the room and guards assembled hurriedly around the bed. Mayadeen gestured for Arkane to follow him.
“Arkane. Can you go and find your cousin? He was last seen in the stables, and your aunt wants to talk to him.”
Arkane frowned at the request, but followed the others moving out of the room. Lingering at the door, he caught sight of his uncle pulling aside his chief advisor. Their voices were lowered too quietly to hear over the sudden ripple of noise Mayadeen’s previous commands had started. With an annoyed sigh he made the




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Next bit guys!

Chapter 1, Part 1

By nature, the Jaila were used to the tough environment of their home valley. Nestled awkwardly between the two kingdoms of Katoric and Ethleren, the Jaila valley was carpeted richly by forest, and blighted by the extreme weather of the seasons. Its violent and confrontational relationship with its two neighbouring kingdoms was evident in the battered landscape. Large scoops of missing earth pock marked their land; the result of the most recent and devastating catapult assaults. As resilient to the tyranny of their enemies as they were to the tyranny of the weather, the Jaila huts sat hunkered in small clearings dotted about the valley. It was only winter which drove them from their valley; two months of snow, ice and cold that killed indiscriminately. They had learnt from previous experience that their land was relatively safe; no invading force from Katoric or Ethleren could survive a winter in the valley either. So each winter season, they begrudgingly moved into the kingdom of Katoric and travelled impatiently, eager to return home. As hostile as Katoric was, it was significantly warmer than their homeland, and they found friends and temporary homes amongst the more rebellious elements of Katoric society.

Bluekai felt some of this familiar home-longing now. He awoke the next morning confused; it took him some time before he remembered where he was. The shutters had been opened in Arkane’s room and chill morning air swept in. The bed sheets were rumpled and creased, starting to cool in the empty space to Bluekai’s right where previously a warm body had been sleeping. Reflecting morosely about his own home, Bluekai sat up stiffly in the bed and blinked blearily around at the room, focusing eventually on Arkane in the far corner.

“Why are you awake so late?” Arkane asked without turning to his friend, hunched as he was over reams of paper.

“Why were you awake so early?” Bluekai replied snappily. He reached one hand behind his back and set his fingers to work loosening the kinks and knots in his muscles, “I rode for two days to get here, I barely slept! And your bed is too comfortable. But you have no excuses for getting out of bed so early this morning.”

“I had things to do.”

“What sorts of things?”

Bluekai staggered from the bed, drunk from fatigue, and shuffled over to where Arkane was reading. Bluekai had the borrowed pair of bed trousers that he wore held tightly at the waist, fearful that they would fall to the ground at any moment. Otherwise he was naked, his hair impossibly wilder than the day before. Daylight showed up the mud under his nails and caked in patches on his neck and at his temple.

Arkane looked up from the papers and ran his eyes up and down his old friend’s appearance, which could not have contrasted more starkly with his own.

“Did you ride through the marshes to get here?”

“Your message said ‘urgent’. Of course I rode through the marshes, it’s the quickest way.”

“Hm. Well that explains the smell there was last night.”

Bluekai’s free hand shot out and slapped Arkane around the back of the head. Arkane only laughed and ducked his head back to his reading.

“I will take a bath once I am properly awake. And I thought you wanted to show me something.”
Bluekai sat heavily next to him and peered around his wide frame to see what was written on the papers, “What is all this?”

“I attended a council meeting this morning. There was a lot of talk about those four foreigners we found yesterday. Some of my father’s men had gone through the records and they found these accounts of a similar situation happening twenty or so years ago. My Grandfather kept it very secret; only a few advisors were trusted with the matter. My uncle was away as a soldier, so nobody who was around the table this morning really knew about it.”

Bluekai scooped up one of the closest documents and inspected the title.

“Can you read it?” Arkane asked, a little tentatively. After a moment’s pause, Bluekai scowled and handed the paper back over, “No. What does it say?”

“This one describes exactly what was found twenty years ago. Six ‘youngsters’ - just a little younger than us - came aground on the coast near Sanhuay. They were wearing similar clothes to the four that were found yesterday, in a similar sort of boat too. They were brought to Old Karnac, as these four were. Two days later, they died. The royal physician at the time said they slowly became unable to breathe, and died not long later.”

“And what about the object this second group were found with? That silver key.”

“It’s not mentioned.”

Bluekai shook his head, “This is so...strange. If this has happened before then...well, your uncle needs to do something about it. We have no idea where they are coming from, who they are, what they want. Ten so far. The first group died, but even so, it’s reason to act.”

“My uncle seems to think the same thing,” Arkane nodded, an intense frown on his brow, “Let us hope these four do not die any time soon, he wishes to question them. He wants us to take a look at them again this morning, before the envoys come.”

“Envoys?”

The muscles in Arkane’s back tensed, and he consciously turned his head away from Bluekai, “He has called for help from Ethleren. They will probably arrive in the next day or so.”

“Ethleren?” Bluekai cried, disbelieving, “You are calling for help from those...barbarians?”

“Bluekai,” Arkane chuckled, “My own kingdom attacks your valley just as much as the Ethleren’s do.”

“But that is different, you are my friend and you want that to change things as much as I do-”

“I think,” Arkane smirked, collecting the papers into piles, “That it is not Ethleren itself you are angry with. I think you loathe a certain Ethleren Prince more than anything.”

“That certain Prince wouldn’t be coming as one of the envoys, would he?”

“That ‘certain Prince’ is, indeed.”



“Arkane, you should not tease him.”

“Why should I not tease him, Lelain? He teases me!”

“But you are four years older, Arkane, and a prince too. You may be my older cousin, but I sometimes feel like your mother. If my father truly knew how you behaved sometimes, he would change his decision to leave you the crown. And it isn’t fair on Bluekai, you know that he hates Prince Aden. It must be hard that you and Aden are such good friends.”

Princess Lelain was seated on one of the white padded chairs in the castle gardens, her legs tucked underneath her and her hands pulling awkwardly at her skirt. Arkane lay languidly on the grass on another full length white pillow, his tall frame stretching almost the entire length of their small clearing amongst the plants. The last lingering touches of frost glittered around him, but he seemed not to notice the chill. His eyes were closed, a small smile curling at his lips.

“Lelain, you may feel like my mother but you don’t have to sound like her.”

“Where is Bluekai?” Lelain asked, ignoring the chide. She strained to the side to try and get a view through the plants trees, searching, “He could give me some help looking out for Kilian. You aren’t much help at all.”

“Kilian is fine,” Arkane sighed, crossing his hands behind his head and settling deeper on the grass, “He is enjoying himself, he loves the gardens. And Bluekai is locked in my room. I cannot have him being discovered by your father. You should take Kilian to see him, he’ll enjoy seeing him.”
Fifteen year old Kilian, Lelain’s twin brother, was declared not ‘mentally sound’ enough to rule when his father eventually passed. Unfortunately for Lelain, the royal family were not prepared for the crown to be passed on to a daughter. As a result, King Mayadeen’s nephew Arkane was assigned to be his heir instead.

A crashing figure came flying out of a wall of sleeping blossoms, and collapsed next to Arkane on the ground. Bits of greenery were clinging to his hair, dirt creating a muddy patch on both knees. Arkane pushed himself up onto his elbows, sending Lelain a knowing look. She sighed and stretched out on her chair, deciding to leave the two cousins to their own devices.

“Look, look, Arkane look what I found.”

Kilian unfurled his hands and produced his prize to his elder cousin. A pink, fat bug lay on its back in his cupped palms, legs cycling midair in a desperate tempt to right itself.

“I found it under a leaf. It’s exactly the same as the one I found last week, except it’s a lot bigger,”
Kilian claimed excitedly, blowing bangs of shaggy hair that had drifted into his eyes.

“Sounds great, Kilian. Are you going to keep it or put it back? Or...put it down your sisters shirt?”

“Arkane!” Lelain cried, “Don’t tell him to do that, he doesn’t need any encouragement.”

“I heard that Bluekai was here,” Kilian said, ignoring his sister, “Where is he, can I see him?”

“He’s in my room. And you have to make sure not to tell your father. Do you promise me Kilian?”

“Yes,” Kilian nodded sincerely, covering up the bug again, “I promise.”

A castle guard could soon be heard struggling through the dense beds of plants, the clank of his arm guards rattling the piece. He emerged with an irritated growl, his hand gripping the hilt of his sword as though itching to take it out and wreak vengeance on the greenery clinging.

“Your Majesty,” he said with a distracted bow, picking off the leaves and buds from where they had stuck to his felt cap, “The King summons you. He wants you to help him question the specimens, they’ve woken up.”

Arkane pushed himself up from the ground hurriedly, “Tell him I’m on my way.”

“Can I come?” Kilian asked quickly, dropping the bug into the grass.

“No, Kilian, stay here with your sister.”

Arkane waited until the guard had started to head back to the castle before leaning closer and whispering, “You can go and keep Bluekai company, if you want.”
He swept down to Lelain and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, “Tell Bluekai to be patient, I’ll tell him all about it when I get back to my room.”

-----
Bit of an abrupt ending, sorry!
What do you guys think?
Advice greatly appreciated!




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Stella here!

Dear, why don't you make a new topic for this? It'll be easier for people to find.

I. NITPICKS

pock marked their land;


Awesome word usage, but pockmarked is actually one word.

Ethleren’s do.”


No apostrophe.

“Arkane, you should not tease him.”


For the sake of YWS, can you put an asterisk or something in to separate the two bits, only doublespacing doesn't really work.

Unfortunately for Lelain, the royal family were not prepared for the crown to be passed on to a daughter.


Chauvinistic pigs.

Okay...

II. DESCRIPTION

The beginning is fantastic, but after that your description sort of... vanishes. What do Lelain and Kilian look like? Things like that -allow us to picture it in our minds. You're really good with describing the landscape, now do the people.

III. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE EARTH PEOPLE?

Really, what happened to them? They just seem to vanish in this part. Where are they? Are they awake? Stuff like that.

IV. OVERALL

Your writing is very easy to read, and I enjoyed it again. Next time, I recommend a new thread for a new chapter :D

Hope I helped, and PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella.
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Thanks Stella! You're right, description is missing. Hmmm....I will go back and put some when I go back to me.

You know what, I had no idea you could do the new thread for each chappie thing! Dont know why i didnt pick that up. I'll make a new thread for the next one. Thanks for pointing that out for me!

Lx




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Hmm..it seems it was picked apart pretty good. Many of the corrections have already been made so I couldn't really find anything that wasn't already found. Anyway, I thought it was okay. Not the best I've read but still, I give it an 8 out of 10. That's good. I would like to see where the story goes. YOu could try working on the way the story flows all together. Ummm...wow, I'm so not good at this. I'm trying though. Still, I want to read more.


~Wolfie~
"So, I was thinking, I've always wanted to ride a TaunTaun."
"Ummmm....I asked you answer the math problem on the board."
"No you didn't."
"Yes I did."
"Yeah well, that's your opinion."...............A conversation between my teacher and I.




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Actually, I don't think there's much wrong with the story-Its exceptional. The description of the town was quite well done, really brings the whole mood out into the story. Other then that...Progression of it is quite good too, though could use a bit of work.
A negative is probably the names though....But who am I to judge, its fantasy after all.

( Yeah, I know its kind of a short review-Its my first one. XD ) Though very good so far, I'd like to read more.
Beware of the ninja kittens.... * Evil Grin *
*Coughs* I mean....Hi!



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