Radiated Dust

Hey guys! Just wanted to know what you thought about the story below. Needs some work I suppose, but wanted to know if the concept is good. haha. Is it even in the write category?

Thanks!

Claustrophobic dust completely overwhelmed any living creature residing in its powerful clutch. Sinking low as it swept across the cold unforgiving planet, the commanding mixture of molten rock and plastic liquid smothered anything that remained alive. Scolding heat was the only emotion in any human beings mind; the pain restricting any future mans dreams. Creatures that where once referred to as “living” became nothing more then riving monsters, and luckier for a man to die then to endure such agony. Only seconds before, the sand of mother earth rested peacefully, undisturbed. Now the shells of once living creatures lay, horrifically resembling those of ancient monsters, who long ago, where buried by wind and time.

Never during the entire occurrence did any human being deny his participation in such a cataclysmic event. Politics resulted in nothing, and politicians, like everyone else, stared into the distance, watching regretfully as small metal objects streaked across the desolate sky. Despite all effort, the politicians were helpless to render the powerful machines of war inert.

With a powerful combination of nuclear chemistry and physics, the steal-plated shells detonated hundreds of feet above major urban regions, crushing the lungs of man, and leaving him gasping for clean atmosphere. The human race lay motionless, struck back by the sudden change of landscape.

Not killed, but simply wounded, the human race slowly crawled out from their hiding place among the scattered rocks. Shocked by their evil, they frowned upon the chaos they caused, and for a while the human race resided in peace; but as time went, humans forgot the heresy they had committed, and soon repeated the same mistakes that their grandfathers paid dearly for. Once again, man found his place among the crushed stones of mother earth, and if now, greater then ever before, I understand any one subject fully…

War never changes. Evil never changes.

Man never changes.

Sincerely,

--Time Passed

Alright, Commando?

Be careful about what you write, including the words you use, and all the rest. For example:

Claustrophobic dust completely overwhelmed any living creature residing in its powerful clutch.

1) Does the dust kill the most things in a nuclear explosion? Is it not the intense heat? Try making it a little more violent by a) cutting down the adjectives/adverbs and b) using more interesting verbs. "completely overwhelmed"? Why not "tore apart", or something of a similar idea?
2) Be careful about your word choices, as I said. Firstly, the way you use "claustrophobic" implies that the dust is scared of closed in spaces. I'm sure you didn't mean that
3) Should it not be "The dust"?

plastic liquid smothered anything that remained alive.

Contradictory: in the previous sentence, you demonstrated that the dust overwhelmed everything. In my definition (or the definition of the reader), they are very close. Also, rephrase the last part. It's a weak picture, try: "anything still alive."

human beings mind

Make that possessive.

man to die then to endure such agony

"then" = "than"?

where buried by wind and time.

"where" = "were"

Not killed, but simply wounded, the human race slowly crawled out from their hiding place among the scattered rocks.

Are they dead, or are they not? I am suspecting that this is talking metaphorically but that aside--concentrate on deciding their fate. It could be as simple as altering the opening scene into "it killing everything in its vicinity..." or the sort.

The moral of the story? Proofread. But, less on the nitpicks, more on the story, eh?

This was, clearly, a descriptive piece, but as you progressed, and, particularly at the end, I felt that I needed more of an insight into this. It's the old "showing not telling" phrase, come back to haunt. Why the insight? Well, there should be a plot. The ending showed more of this, but it felt like an intro to an opening, and an intro to an ending. At the end, I was left wondering: "why?" And you don't want that. Ask yourself, why does man never change? Maybe you can include some reason within the piece, such as offering a narration of two people, as to extend this further.

It's definitely worth continuing, because the idea's there. What else? Oh yes, imagery:

In descriptive pieces, you can add your owns style and I long for a mystical tone within this, yet I found little. A bomb went off, and then nothing. Not only would a few similes help identify the scene, but think about who "Time Passed" is. How does he see things? Perhaps he can compare the dropping dust from a nuclear bomb, like an egg timer. Yes? Oh, and sensory images too. What is the smell like? How does the explosion of a booming bomb sound? Let us be there.

Best of luck, PM me with any questions,
Mark

Hey Commando, Blink seemed to pick up on most of the stuff I was going to critique, but here goes anyway.

the commanding mixture of molten rock and plastic liquid smothered anything that remained alive.

Two things here - firstly, you've mentioned that the dust is killing everything it comes into contact with, and then you add in this deadly liquid. I know you explain things a little more a bit later, but I feel like you should be sticking to just the dust cloud or the liquid on its own. If you want to keep it though, reword that sentence a little to specify that what the liquid is smothering, for example, "Anything left alive by the dust was soon claimed by the commanding mixture of molten rock and plastic."

My other point on that was that you should either specify that it's liquid plastic, not plastic liquid, or leave out the word liquid altogether.

Scolding heat was the only emotion in any human beings mind

This is a bit picky, but heat isn't really an emotion, and also it should be 'Scalding', not 'Scolding'. Scolding is like telling a child off. Maybe change this to, 'Scalding heat was the only thing any human being experienced.'

Creatures that where once referred to as “living” became nothing more then riving monsters

I think you mean 'raving', not 'riving'. Riving means tearing something apart. If that's what you meant, by all means leave it as it is, but I just thought you meant raving.

Only seconds before, the sand of mother earth rested peacefully, undisturbed.

This should read, "Only seconds before, the sand of mother earth had rested peacefully(no comma) undisturbed."

and leaving him gasping for clean atmosphere

You're trying to sound a little too intellectual here, replace 'air' with 'atmosphere', otherwise it sounds a bit awkward.

Not killed, but simply wounded, the human race slowly crawled out from their hiding place among the scattered rocks.

As Blink said, you made things seem pretty final in the previous paragraphs, if you're going to have remnants of the human race surviving, you should specify that there were underground bunkers or some such thing that protected certain people.

humans forgot the heresy they had committed

Again, trying to sound too smart. Heresy refers to going against religious doctrine. I think just stick to 'crimes' here.

And again, as Blink said, who is Time Passed?

Overall, though, this could work really well as a prologue or introduction to a story, you just need to explain a little more. I think, since it seems to be a diary entry or a letter from the sign-off at the end, you can get away with a bit of telling here, but you should probably put just a little more description in. The concept's good, though, and that's what you were asking, right?

PM me when you finish the next part, if you continue this.

-Billy

I don't think of nuclear power and all of that particularly interesting, but you made it almost sound exciting. There were some things I didn't like, of course, too. Most of my comments were already stated, so I won't repeat them. I'll just say anything else I noticed.

There wasn't very much of a plot. It's like a description of nuclear power. Nothing happens throuout, making it almost like an essay.

Claustrophobic dust completely overwhelmed

I don't think you meant fear of closed in spaces, but this is just one example of where you used personification.

leaving him gasping for clean atmosphere

That's a little wordy. What do you mean, for clean atmosphere? Maybe plain air would be better.

Overall, this was a pretty good story, but try giving it more meaning.

I think it would probably go better in poetry somewhere because it doesn't really have a plot. [dramatic poetry maybe?]