Travellers

Tonight I am a cartographer. Where to begin?
Perhaps with the road of your spine, familiar,
a well known line. Next, here are the hills
of your shoulder blades, and here are the contours
of your palm. My fingers take a walk
among them. Your landscape slides and shifts
to fit around me, and we share the view;
you lift me up to see it with a bird’s eye kiss
and ask if I would like to go exploring –

yes please. I can hear the lilting tongues
of unmapped places humming in your voice,
and I’d like to see them. Are you holding on
tightly to me? We are going for a ride now, hold
too tightly now, we are taking our chances
now, together, in this brave new world.

i really liked this, but it was kind of confusing. You jumped thoughts really quickly between the 1st and second stanzas. Maybe try adding more detail and easing your way into the second stanza by making it the third, and adding another stanzas in between them.

Hi afterthought,

I would start off saying that your first line is gorgeous. Get rid of "Where to begin?" I like the extended metaphor that you have in the first stanza, however I would make it a little less obvious by taking out the actual names of the body parts. I think that would make it much more subtle, hence intriguing and mysterious and all that good stuff.

The second stanza was a little off for me considering what you've done in the first, although I really liked the "unmapped places" line. I'm not sure I like the idea about taking a ride as that goes away from the map metaphor into a more obvious sexual metaphor. I would try a more subtle term for 'ride'. The last line needs to go, as its a Shakespeare reference from out of nowhere and is a bit cliche.

Hey, afterthought! This is a very good poem! Just a few fixes on this.

I think that you should put one sentence for each line. It was all kind of mushed together.

yes please. I can hear the lilting tongues

of unmapped places humming in your voice,

and I’d like to see them.

The yes please doesn't really work. It's just kind of there...

Are you holding on tightly to me?

We are going for a ride now, hold

too tightly now, we are taking our chances

now, together, in this brave new world.

You say now too many times. You also said to hold on tight twice.

I like the metaphor of cartographer. That is really cool how you can make such a sensual thing seem like your discovering new places in the world.

Excellent job!

Becca

Thanks everyone, I appreciate it massively argh, I hadn't even intended the double meaning of ride! There's a verb choice that's really got to go! It's been a massive eye opener seeing how this poem comes across, can't thank you enough. Off to edit!

AT

I loved this piece right up until the part

Are you holding on

tightly to me? We are going for a ride now, hold

too tightly now, we are taking our chances

now, together, in this brave new world.

which didn't fit with the rest of the poem. Neither did the title, I felt. In the beginning, the speaker is the explorer and the lover is the landscape. The title, though, is "Travelers", plural, and this last bit turns the lover into a person again. I love the light, crafted feel of the map metaphor; it doesn't seem forced, but rather like it doesn't yet know where it's going. Maybe the last section could be revised to fit with the first a little better? I also think the wording of that part doesn't quite match the beautiful lyricism of the first half; it's a little cheesy.

Hope that was helpful!

-BFG

Really good keep up the good work