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Ooh, very nice.

Really, your writing is really solid here. I was going to call you out on the whole infodump on the school, but it actually works somehow with the character's voice. I do wonder though; is the bit about the number of students actually necessary? It seemed rather insignificant, though perhaps it does become important later?

The year that I was so looking forward to, mutated into a fight for my life and for the life of others around me, and I found the long lost person I had longed for since I was eight years old. My father.

I know the journey is the reward, but now we kind of know how this is all going to turn out. Of course, it could turn out that the fight was lost and the long lost father is actually the big baddie, but you've kind of given away the ending here. We know the narrator survives, otherwise she couldn't be telling her story. Whether or not the rest of it turns out all right is to be seen, but we sort of know about it in advance. It takes away the element of surprise a bit for the reader. I don't particularly care for it.

Well, this thing is pretty much all telling rather than showing, but in a way, it works. The way the character is telling the story makes for an interesting voice and tone. Be aware though (haven't read the other part you have posted yet, so perhaps you have already addressed this), you'd better have the character showing us some stuff too, or the telling can get boring really quickly.

I grew up in the school with her, she was from then on, my mother.

I grew up in the school with her. She was, from then on, my mother.

Very nice introduction. I'm hooked (I'm not sure what about it hooked me, but it did...) and I want to read more.

Keep on writing and welcome to YWS! *throws confetti*

~GryphonFledgling

Wow. I like this already. I didn't spot anything wrong, apart from what Gruphon said, so this isn't going to be much of a review...

...
...
...

Nope. I still don't see anything wrong. I like the way the story feels, but I'm not sure if that makes any sense. e.e But I liked the flow of the story and that's about all I can say.

-Poppy

GryphonFledgling wrote:Ooh, very nice.

The year that I was so looking forward to, mutated into a fight for my life and for the life of others around me, and I found the long lost person I had longed for since I was eight years old. My father.

I know the journey is the reward, but now we kind of know how this is all going to turn out. Of course, it could turn out that the fight was lost and the long lost father is actually the big baddie, but you've kind of given away the ending here. We know the narrator survives, otherwise she couldn't be telling her story. Whether or not the rest of it turns out all right is to be seen, but we sort of know about it in advance. It takes away the element of surprise a bit for the reader. I don't particularly care for it.



~GryphonFledgling

I thought about that too, I might take that out later on.
Thank you very much

Wow. I really liked this piece^^ I think you did a great job, so this isn't going much of a criticism sorry.
Anyway, on to what I did notice:

It had thirteen stories, two floors for classrooms, one floor for a dinning hall, which also served as a ballroom and the professor’s dorm rooms were located around that.

First:
I'm horrible at grammar so I'm not positive about this, but shouldn't there be colon instead of a comma where I underlined it?

The students that lived in Diethelm could number up to 500. Ten floors of the school were solely for student housing. It had twenty-five rooms per floor, and each room had two students. All male students lived on the first five floors, then there were the three floors above them that divided them from the female half, including the professor rooms. The female students were set up the same way, two girls a room. This made it so that only 250 male students could be admitted and 250 female students.

Second:
I think this paragraph would have done better if it was part of the one above it. If it was rearranged a bit, it would all fit in together nicely :3

When it was time for me to turn ten the school offered to give me a full fledged education, why they did without charging Bertha and still paying her for her job, we never knew. But I was admitted and given Diethelm’s room alone without a roommate.

Third:
This part's a bit long. Try shortening it up bit, like "When it was time for me to turn ten the school offered to give me a full-fledged education, free of charge. Why they did this, we never knew." But that's just my opinion.

Then came the definitive year of my life, the one all young student’s dream of. The sixth year. As a sixth year student you could go to the late night balls, parties, celebrations until previously closed off to you.
The year that I was so looking forward to was riddled with confusion, anger, resentment, and discovery. More then I had bargained for.
My name is Adala and here is my sixth year story.

Fourth:
I loved this part. I think it was a great ending, and your foreshadowing was excellent. I can't wait for you to write more :3 PM when you do K?