Teardrop_on_the_fire wrote:This is a small part of writing I need feedback on for form and wording (if you see typo's that totally normal for me). This is from the point of view from a female student named Adala at a boarding school set in a time like the 1800's, but in this world of mine true magic is not unheard of. If anyone is truly interested just post a comment asking for more of the story.
I served my time after school hours in Professor Velten’s classroom for an hour and a half each day, and on the weekends detention meant not leaving my dorm room. When I was in the Professor’s room for detention insert comma [s]he[/s] most of the time he sat silently at his desk insert comma writing in a brown leather book, and I had permission to do my assignment work but when I finished that I could only sit in complete boredom staring at whatever I could, often it was the sundial outside the window. That was a very long sentence. Split up your ideas Velten never asked me if I ever saw Brigitte, I think he was too embarrassed to say a word or thought it didn’t matter whether I saw it or not.
The last day of my sentence was the 15th of October, a Wednesday. I insert comma as usual Insert comma went to the first class, Natural Sciences, but then found our substitute, Professor Dietrich. He was very different from Professor Velten. For one he was much older, probably by twenty-some year, with grey wispy hair and large round spectacles that made his old eyes large [s]larger, he was also a bit stouter then the wiry looking Velten[/s].
The Professor talked with a softer voice and went through our lesson a little differently then Velten, but it was mostly the same.
I served detention with the old Professor, quietly as always. Then Dietrich asked me if I would be so much help as to go down into the lower basement and fetch up some larger boxes labeled: Mammal Bones. Then bring them up to the classroom.
I knew the great school better then anyone, I had lived here and before I was old enough to enroll in classes I explored a great deal, so I had no problem getting to the basement.
After some time searching the part of the basement that held all the science related things I found what I was looking for. There were three boxes, each larger tha[s]e[/s]n the other. I brushed the dust off the top box, the smallest of the three, and peaked inside to see what it was. I stared a moment before recognizing [s]what all the little boxed of sections were, rodents[/s]. Shouldn't she feel absolutley disgusted? Show us some emotion please I could only carry on box at a time so I went up and brought up the rodent bones, then had to climb all the way back down for the second box.
I had delivered the first two, and as I pulled out the third I realized it was two tied together. As one package they were too heavy for me, so I untied them and was going to go up with one of them when I noticed in the corner the boxes had been was a whole I could squeeze through I was very confused by the wording. Slow down please! . I had to look.
I found I could go through without too much trouble, and pulled myself out of the dirty whole into a dark smaller space. It was a small [s][spoiler][/s]room completely dark with a box shaped indent in the wall opposite of me.
I had never been in this part of the school before, surprising since [s]sense[/s] I had lived in the school my whole life. But there wasn’t anything in the room. Disappointed insert comma I was about to turn back when I heard a loud cry. My blood froze and I listened again. I waited, then heard low voices, the seemed to be coming from the large box shaped hole in the wall before me. I crawled inside the space and saw a small window like space I could look down through by my knees. I pressed my face closer and held back a gasp.
It was Professor Velten. In a dark spacious room I sat above. His head hung low and his long hair covering his face and he was tied above the ground by his wrist between two poles. Several persons below him draped in black cloaks were looking up at him, one of them spoke,
“Ruban, get out your whip, we need something fresh today.” The one I guess was called Ruban pulled out a long whip, Velten only glanced briefly at it with a slight turn of his head. Ruban walked behind Velten and waited a moment. Then Ruban unrolled the whip, it suddenly started to crackle and hiss as purple lightening (for that’s the only word I can use to describe it) was all along the whip cord. Ruban the rose it slowly over his head, then brought it down on Velten. I had to choke back a scream when it struck the Professor, he convulsed, but made no noise.
“Harder, Ruban!” Ruban brought it down with more ferocity and Velten cried out with pain. “That’s better.” Ruban brought it down again and again across Velten’s back until I became very ill. The Professor after some ten lashes only groaned with each lash and I saw blood drip down into the ground underneath him. Then Ruban stopped, leaving Velten panting and a shudder passed down his lean body. Horrified I couldn’t take my eyes off what was happening.
Ruban came back around to face Velten, his whip still crackling and sparking as it dragged behind him. Then he brought the whip up and it wrapped around the Professor’s neck. I looked away as Velten cried out in agony. When it stopped I brought myself to look down. I saw Velten dangling alone in the room dark cellar-like room, he didn’t move and I thought he could have been dead, but then he raised his head and looked around him briefly.
“Release me.” He begged quietly, and two of the figure that had been out of my sight came up with axes, the chopped down the ropes that held Velten up and he fell to the dirty ground. The two figures shoved his away with their feet before leaving my sight again. Velten was rolled up on the ground and didn’t move, I saw to my horror his back was soaked in dark blood that stained his clothes, and already the grime of the ground was plastered to it. Two boots I knew he wore often were thrown at him and one hit his head, he moved slowly and put them on his bare feet, feet I saw that were covered in crimson blood. I shuddered as Velten struggled to get up on his feet, he fell twice before succeeding to stay up and strode out of my sight with his hands behind his back and head hung on his chest, struggling to keep walking on his seemingly injured feet.
I went back, shuddering and wanting to shed tears for Professor Velten, but I finished by bringing up the last two boxes, Dietrich not noticing my shocked state as he read his book.
He came in, with a pale and sick looking face, but his expression was no different then it was throughout the month. I bit my tongue so I wouldn’t say anything or make any strange noise to give away what I was feeling. I noticed Professor Velten was wearing a turtleneck under his robes, I remembered the electric whip that had been slashed across his neck. He walked a little more stiffly and had a hand on the desk as if to steady himself, “Salvete, discipulae et discipuli.” He pulled out the drawer in his usual habit and he started writing slowly with the chalk the lesson, but his hand shook and the chalk snapped suddenly, I heard low snickers from the back on the class. The Professor only took out another piece and finished what he was writing. I heard Barbel in the back with her straw again. Don’t do it! I thought desperately, but she did. The paper ball whizzed across the room towards Professor Velten, he caught it without looking around and tossed it into the can by the desk, but said nothing about it. I heard Barbel grunt with disappointment at her failure, but she didn’t try again for risk of getting detention.
The Professor went on with the lesson as always, but today he didn’t walk back and forth as he usually did in front of the board, he stayed in one spot and only pointed to the things he had written. At the end of class I hadn’t taken in a thing of the lesson, and as I was leaving the room Professor Velten called me back to stay a moment. I swallowed but stayed calm, Barbel giggled nastily, hoping I would get in trouble for her prank.
I stayed when everyone else had left. Velten lowered himself slowly into his chair with a strained sigh. “You seemed distracted today, Adala, is something the matter?” His eyes went through me calmly and I felt he could read my thoughts.
“Just a little tired, Professor.”
“Well, get some sleep tonight. That’s all I had to ask, thank you, Miss Adala.” I was dismissed.
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