The Magic Flute

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If all goes well, this will be continued. It was a brief idea that popped in my head, but I'm unsure if it's worth keeping in my files. xD Grammar will be off, I know, so don't waste your time in that area (unless you really want to). Just the overall idea: Am I in good shape here? And if not, why (obviously)? xD

The Magic Flute

It is not just black and white notes.
It is not just a sound ranging from beauty to trash.
It is a whole different language.
Billy’s sister said that so many times, he had the line memorized with her voice too: her screechy, high-pitched, annoying voice he could not stand to listen to. Once she came home from school, he was out for a burger. He had no need for an entire lesson on breath support or expression. At this rate, he could pick up a bassoon and join the orchestra.
Like that would ever happen.
He sat in the bleachers of the high school gym, racing neck-and-neck with Princess Peach and attempting to shove her pretty pink kart off the side. Despite Wario’s size, his kart could not roll over Peach’s vehicle. The entirety of both his arms tensed, and his teeth ground together until they were out of alignment and a retainer would be working heavy-duty that night. Eventually, he kicked the woman in front of him who, as casually as she could, looked back at him. He jerked his head in a “What’s up?” fashion, and his mom jabbed him in the side.
“Sit still,” she hissed. “Your sister’s about to play. You should listen.”
Billy snorted and returned to his game. Peach bumped his kart off the side, knocking him from second to last place. “Oh, no you don’t, Princess,” he whispered. He started his kart, nabbed the power-up on the road, and burst down the road.
“While the symphonic band warms up,” said the girl on the gym floor, “we’ll have a couple soloists perform. Four people are playing, and they all received a top score at the competition last weekend. First up is Katie Fischer!”
The audience applauded as Billy’s sister walked onto the floor. Billy watched her set up. She handed the piano accompanist the music, and then set her own on the stand. Raising it to her height and blowing into her flute to warm it up, she took her time in preparation for a fantastic performance…again. Uninterested, Billy returned to his Nintendo DS.
The piano started, a trickle of notes flowing into one ear, through his head, and out the other. He heard this song way too many times to even give an ounce of care.
When Katie hit the top note she countless times messed up in some way, Billy looked up. Even while she played, Billy could see the pride etched in her face. That note still hung in the air, ringing eternally into the night. It would never be forgotten; he could already hear the compliments she would get afterward.
With that sickening thought, Billy returned to his game. He growled quietly when he found him sitting in the lake this time, off the road and in last place. Clicking a few buttons and options, the race was reset. 1…2…3…Go!
And he went.
Katie hit another note she had struggled with before. He ground his teeth and prevented himself from looking up. He would not let Peach beat him. A red, spiky shell was flung at him from behind, but Billy dodged it. He left a pile of nails as he drove away, and Mario was sent flying to the sideline.
Peach knocked him to the side though, and Billy was reset as well—last place and right behind Mario.
“Billy, you’re going to hurt someone again,” his mom muttered to him.
“Nah, I’m fine,” Billy managed to say. He leaned to the right as his character turned to the right, bumping into his mom. She jabbed him fiercely in the thigh, and he winced. “Ah! Sorry, okay?” He did not look at her but at the screen, passing up Bowser.
Katie ended on her last note. Billy looked up and watched her sweat as she held the note out long and quietly. He remembered her complaining how hard it was to decrescendo a high note. It could not be that hard, but here she was, shaking to the very last second that she let go. The audience did not listen to it echo off the walls and vanish. They clapped loudly and proudly. Billy’s mom stood up, frantically applauding and waving at her daughter as she left the gym.
Billy hadn’t noticed.
He stared blankly at the screen, not pressing any buttons. Without a player, Wario drove straight ahead into the lake. The game reset him on the road, but Wario didn’t go. He stayed put—as did Billy.
Billy felt his head spin, but he couldn’t feel his fingers. His sister continued to hold the note as the room whirled around him—or did he whirl around in it?—and his body fell limp on the bleachers.
His mom heard him fall and looked. Her proud face changed abruptly to a frightened look. Leaning over him and shaking him, she shouted his name. “Billy? Billy! Wake up! What’s wrong, Billy?”
Billy heard her shout, but all he could do was knock on the Nintendo screen.
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Word to the wise: Watching other people play video games is boring. Reading about other people playing video games is the ultimate boredom.

Prokaryote
Last edited by Prokaryote on Thu Dec 25, 2008 4:05 am, edited 1 time in total.




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It is not just black and white notes.

It is not just a sound ranging from beauty to trash.

It is a whole different language.

Billy’s sister said that so many times, he had the line memorized with her voice too: her screechy, high-pitched, annoying voice [s]he could not stand to listen to[/s]


Is there a reason the first three lines are so formally spoken? I mean, I think it would read much better as 'It's not', 'It's not,' 'It's a' and so - unless his sister really talks like such a prat XD. Also, I think 'line' should be 'lines' as there are three of them in question.

Annoying voice pretty much says it all, makes the last fragment of the sentence redundant. Aside from which, it just reads awkwardly.

[s]The entirety of[/s] Both his arms tensed,


Unnecessarily awkward phrasing. 'Both' pretty much says it all.

He growled quietly when he found him sitting in the lake this time, off the road and in last place.


him who? His player, yes? Maybe you should refer to his character sitting in the lake, rather than 'him' which doesn't read right. Perhaps 'when he found he was sitting in the lake' ?

*

In any case, there's much to say content wise. The set-up was humorous, I think, with the description of the game and his playing of it to juxtapose with his sister's performance. Definitely potential for something more than what we see here, Jabsy, so I'd be interested in seeing more.

One question:

she took her time in preparation for a fantastic performance…again


This line suggests she's had a string of great performances and yet, as she plays we constantly hear of the notes she usually struggled with - indicating a not-so great history - being mastered now. Seems a little inconsistent, no?

Anyway, I enjoyed this.
Good stuff.

Cheers
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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Well, this is a delightfully different story than what is usually put up on YWS, Jabbs. I have to say that I like it a great deal. I agree with Jiggity's statement about the action in Billy's game coinciding with Kate's performance. That really served to help keep me in this story. There didn't seem to be much of a hook in the first part of the story. It just fed us Billy's feelings about his sister's musical talent and then dumped us into the action. And while I applaud action dumping, there was nothing there that really served to reach out and grab my attention. Now, I don't know how to fix that, so I'm useless as far as that goes.

However, I did think that the story picked up in the end. The ending, with Billy paralyzed from his sister's playing, was very good, and I have to admit that I did not see that coming. So, all in all, this is a very original concept with a sound delivery that I rather enjoyed.

And that's my review. I wish I could be as helpful to you with this as you have been to me with Creep. Oh well. Good luck with this piece! :)
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.




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Hey Jabber! Not my 1,000th review, but almost.

Although I feel Pork has a point -- video games are a difficult activity to transfer to writing -- this piece has merit. I think I would have enjoyed it more if there was more, it seemed this was mostly a quick introduction of a bored brother playing Mario Kart, and ended when the real conflict began -- trapped in a Nintendo DS? Cool! But then it ended.

Some other general comments:

1. I thought the first three lines and then the first paragraph were strange. I feel the piece could have started better. I like how it foreshadows what's going to happen -- the music becomes magical -- but I think this could have been written in a better way. The first three lines actually really irritate me.

2. I think your writing is good overall. I enjoyed the tone. You have shot yourself in the foot a little with the subject of the piece, something that is not particularly that interesting, but as a survey of your writing ability, I would say you're in good shape.

3. I agree with Conrad in that the story picked up at the end -- it starts getting good just as it starts to finish, like I mentioned previously. Definitely the improvement is to be made at the start.

4. Write some more!
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Hey Jabber, Stella here!

First of all, yay for Mario Kart! The game holds a special meaning for the older students in my school, there is a certain age at which boys are allowed to play it on the rather out-dated console that is handed down from year to year. Once somebody stole Mario Kart and there were search posters saying "Have you seen this man? May be accompanied by walking mushrooms, a princess or a small green dinosaur." There was an interrogation of teachers to see who had taken it. People wore black armbands.

It was, thankfully, returned.

Now, to the review!

I. NITPICKS

Once she came home from school, he was out for a burger.


This confuzzled me. I thought you meant at that moment he was out for a burger... rephrase, mayhap?

When Katie hit the top note she countless times messed up in some way, Billy looked up


Again, I was a bit confused. I think put in a "that" after note.

how hard it was to decrescendo a high note.


I've never heard it used as a verb, but I wasn't aware that decrescendo was a musical term... I don't know, I've always learnt it as dimmuendo, but that could just be a regional thing. If you've used decrescendo before, then use it again. Also, maybe italicize it?

Cool!

Okay...

II. PACE

As the others say, this does start off quite slowly. If I were you, I would build it up more, and certainly drag out your climax, as it's such an original and funny idea.

That's really about all I have to say though.

III. OVERALL

Entertaining, certainly. If you write more, will you tell me?

Hope I've helped, and PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella.
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Hiya Jab!

He sat in the bleachers of the high school gym, racing neck-and-neck with Princess Peach and attempting to shove her pretty pink kart off the side. Despite Wario’s size, his kart could not roll over Peach’s vehicle.


I was confused for this line. It took until the mention of "game" for me to get what was going on.

So, skimmed all the video game stuff. Next real nit-pick I have it here:


Billy heard her shout, but all he could do was knock on the Nintendo screen.


I find this ending rather weak. Even a simple "an everything went black" at the end would be good.

Overall: It was okay. I like the consept, and I'm wondering where you're going with this.

What I liked:
The amount you had him get into that game. I can totally see that happening.
His reaction to his sister. resentful but proud all the same
The effect the high notes had on him
This line:
Like that would ever happen.
Priceless!

What I wasn't thrilled about:
The amount of time you spent in the game. No real point to the plot. And this was most of it.

I'd keep going!
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.



Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
— Plato