Lonely Bones

Lonely bones of old maids
rumble into empty graves,
Clattering against the dusky soil.
There was a moment,
when silence became sound and
the world was magic,
Before the crack that filled us all,
where morning stole the night
and sleep was but a memory.
With wishes that went
for years at a time,
though crumbled at the tissue touch,
the world did justice to revolution.
And all, and all,
the bones continue to fall.


- I can't for the life of me remember if I've posted this before, but it seems I haven't. ^^

Heya Penguin (Attack)!

I stink at poetry, so if my thoughts are of no real relevance, feel free to ignore them

Lonely bones of old maids
rumble into empty graves,

From here, it seems to me as if it should be a rhyming poem. That's because 'graves' and 'maids' sound similar, but not so similar as to pick up a rhyme, whereas nothing else in the poem has this problem. Otherwise, this is a nice section of the poem.

Clattering

Lowercase. As with:

Before

the world did justice to revolution.

Argh, no. I just think the lovely flow is battered apart by the the last word. There are a lot of syllables and it stretches out the line. Also, it's the first real specific detail we have to what's going on. So, should it be there? Is there not another way to express this line? Think of another way to phrase it: what are the punishments to the crimes of revolution, as you might say?

A few thoughts:

Well, this was a great poem! Or rather, I tend to assume anything better than my own deviations as fantastic, so what the hey.

Adjectives
One of the thoughts I had here is that you need to ask whether all the adjectives you use are really necessary. It's especially important in poetry; hopefully, I don't need to tell you that. It's things like 'empty graves', and, well, just the first part:

Lonely bones of old maids
rumble into empty graves,
Clattering against the dusky soil.

Is it necessary that they are old maids, in empty graves, or dusky soil? Lonely, I can understand, but it's hard to imagine putting someone in a full grave. Also, old? If the person is young, then it's noteworthy, but most people died of old age and so again, an wasted syllable. Try not to expand lines unnecessarily

Well, that's all I have to say. Loved the poem!

I have to agree with Blink

Lonely bones of old maids
rumble into empty graves

The first two lines make it seem like it will rhyme and when it doesn't it is a bit odd. The first lines also seem to have a rythem which is missing from the rest of the poem. They dont seem to go with what follows. Read it yourself and see if you get the same feeling. It is a very minor point to make about a superb poem but it detracts from the next few lines.

Ilove the rest of the poem however and it is the best poem i have read on this site so far. Well done mate.
Dan

Lonely bones of old maids

rumble into empty graves,

Clattering against the dusky soil.

I think 'rumble' should be 'tumble' - rumble is a sound, an effect, but not an actual motion and I think it clashes with 'clattering' anyway.

Would bones clatter against soil? Against each other certainly, and as they rolled but against or because of the soil as is implied here.

*

Those are the only things I noticed that warranted attention, otherwise I quite enjoyed it.

Cheers

Hey Pingu, what's up? How have you been lately? When I first read this poem, I had mixed feelings about it. I think I had somewhat enjoyed it, but didn't actually like it. That could be because I was in quite an angry mood when I first read this. After I have calmed down, I've decided to re-read this several times in the lounge room to pinpoint as to why I didn't like it. Here are some of my thoughts.

Lonely bones of old maids

rumble into empty graves,

I quite like your use of half-rhyme as it links maids with graves. This is important as it helps establish contrast in the poem. When the bones of the dead are given individual graves and buried, it's a sign of respect and recognition for what that individual has done in his/her life. But by using the word "rumble", it creates a visual image of the bones being carelessly handled, showing little regard and respect of that person. This is done to make the audience realize that just because the remains of a person are given a proper burial doesn't necessarily mean that the person's wishes, character and the work (tributes) that he/she has made in life are respected. This is the overall theme of the poem, and your half-rhyme of "maids" and "graves" along with the words "rumble" and "lonely" does well in introducing that (you could also say the poem deals with the theme of sexism given the context that its in). My only problem with the word "rumble" is that I don't think bones rumble into empty graves. They can rumble in a box when its carelessly carried, but not into empty graves.

Clattering against the dusky soil.

Do bones clatter by themselves? I don't think so. The adjective "dusky" does well in showing to the audience that the area where the bones are buried is neglected by society and reinforces the theme of the poem. Normally, bones are buried in well maintained land as a sign of respect.

There was a moment,

when silence became sound and

the world was magic,

I think this bit happens too quickly. As I was reading this in my mind, I noticed that in line 1-6, the rhythm doesn't allow the audience to reflect on the period of time that the bones were buried for. You see, in line 13 you said:

the world did justice to revolution.

but because the rhythm doesn't allow reflection of the period of time that the bones were buried leading up to this "revolution" (change in people's views of women's role in society), you make it seem as though the change suddenly happened. Revolutions doesn't work like that. There has to be a period of time where ideas or beliefs are confined, restricted or do not change until a certain point (and even then it might take a while before the change is complete).

The only other way that this bit could be viewed is if there are mourners at the funeral. But if that's the case, then it would contradict the theme that's established in the first two lines. It would also contradict the last two lines of the poem...

And all, and all,

the bones continue to fall.

which suggests the idea of the continual spiral of being neglected for the maids (women) even after the revolution. But if there's no evidence of the bones of the old maids being established at the start of the poem, then this bit right here would be nonsense.

Anyway, back to lines 4-6. "Silence became sound" does well in portraying the idea of how they (and possibly other old maids that have died) are being considered by the living instead of being neglected. I actually quite like the use of enjambment used in line 5-6. Line 5 makes us wonder as to why society would consider the graves are only being considered now and the possible consequences which can arise from it. Having the sentence completed in line 6 breaks the audience out of that reflection and makes an attempt to assure to the audience that these dead maids are now being considered only to cater for the fantasies of society. (though we soon find out that it isn't the case).

Before the crack that filled us all,

where morning stole the night

and sleep was but a memory.

I think you can nix line 7. This is because it isn't clear as to what the crack refers to and its purpose. Line 8 is about how society is about to find a new way forward since light helps guide people through darkness. Line 9 seems to further expands line 8 in that people need to work hard should they want to make progress in society.

With wishes that went

for years at a time,

This bit here really confused me (in fact, I think it's the main reason why I got so confused when I was reading this poem). Are you referring to the wishes of the old maids that were ignored or the wishes of society?

And all, and all,

the bones continue to fall.

I know that I've already quoted this, but I really like these last lines. It makes the audience realize that the graves of the old maids were only considered because they need to be removed for a project. (eg: land development). It also informs us that even consequences can occur when we cater for the fantasies of society (i.e: the rights and respects of these old maids being ignored). Also, it adds depth to the theme of sexism that you've established in the first two lines: That women of a by-gone era were neglected in the past and are still neglected even today.

Overall impressions:

Overall Pingu, I really like this poem. It's quite insightful and clever at the same time. I would also like to mention one more issue that I had with the poem. I think the poem itself should also pay tribute to the old maids themselves. It doesn't really acknowledge the maids for the work they've done for society and having to adhere to the expectations of women at that time. As a result, the power of the title and the adjective "lonely" is confined and the audience is not fully able to sympathize with the old maids.

I hope this critique has helped Pingu. Good luck, and thank you very much for sharing this. "Gold Stars"

Andy.

P.S: When the time is ready, I'll tell you as to why I was angry when I was reading this.

This is lovely, Mumble! There's such a natural flow and rhythm that although (like people have mentioned before) the slant-rhyme in the first two lines intimate a rhyme pattern that isn't carried out, I don't even care. Its lilt has an almost nursery-rhyme feel, a very easy, even swing that both makes it easy to read and adds an interestingly carefree touch to an otherwise dark poem.

Lonely bones of old maids

rumble into empty graves,

Clattering against the dusky soil.

I agree that 'rumble' feels a tad out of place, but I actually like the use of the verb 'clatter' in the last line. It lends to the image of 'dusky soil' an extreme aridity, a lifelessness that complements the rest of the poem well. The soil is so dry and hard it might as well be rock--the bones clatter on what should have provided life.

With wishes that went

for years at a time,

though crumbled at the tissue touch,

the world did justice to revolution.

I almost wish that you would bring the second line up to the first; the enjambment interrupts the flow. Also, "the world did justice to revolution" throws a wrench into the works--the rhythm is jerky. I'm not sure how to fix it, but I think it's that it ends on an unstressed syllable. Maybe you could recast it?

The first three lines sound really cool, but they don't connect with the rest of the poem. In fact, the first official line seems to be the fourth line, if that makes any sense. So I would probably try to tweak this a bit. I love the imagery of the first three lines, compared to the rest of the poem, so I would probably try to interconnect the ideas a bit. This might help the poem become a little bit stronger.

Still! I love the idea and stuff. I think what you're trying to say is that death is imminent and, even though there is all this magic in the world, it'll all return to the earth.

Hope that helps, my tangential penguin! <3

PenguinAttack wrote:Lonely bones of old maids
rumble into empty graves,

I can see people's thoughts on "rumble =/= tumble" but... I think it should be "rumble in THEIR empty graves."

Clattering against the dusky soil.
There was a moment,
when silence became sound and
the world was magic,
Before the crack that filled us all,
where morning stole the night
and sleep was but a memory.
With wishes that went
for years at a time,
though crumbled at the tissue touch,
the world did justice to revolution.

put a break between "justice" and "to revolution."

And all, and all,
the bones continue to fall.


- I can't for the life of me remember if I've posted this before, but it seems I haven't. ^^