Acquos

Acquos












Book 1: Days in shadow





By: Kyra C.





























Chapter 1: The caravan
Walking through my clan with my padded feet touching clod hard ground ,light shone down upon every house in my clan. As i pick up my pace a little I see many other otters gathered. I run up as they despirs. I am disapointed I missed whatever it was. My destanatoin comes in to my sight. I run up to and i am gald that I am finally at the market for it’s grande opening. This opening only happens once a year. I am always glad about this rare occassion. I know that i am a boy and stuff but I love my family and all of us love this opening and so do i. I am the type that does not like to be the odd one out. As i enter the market Liam waves to me and says “Hey Tad! Glad you made it.” “Me too Liam” I say back. Walking towards the vegabables I see my favorit one of them alll.Mint. I get 6 small mint leaves and go to the bakery and buy 2 loafs of bread.Then I go buy apples and some pears. Then I go and buy all of it and then leave . “Bye Liam” i yell.
I start ack to my hut ond the banks of Lanser River. The Lanser rivers water has kelp and other vegatatoin like grasses and watercrest. It is a uetiful place for under water swiming and rock jumping. Me and my brothers and sisters love to sneak up on each other there. The water is a perfect shade of blue tat you could not see our brown sliek bodoys even if you tried. Me and my sister are the onlys ones that do the rock jumping it is not like it sounds you go from one rock to the other and try not fall ing but not fall in is hard for starters. Also i can see all my freinds in my clan every mornig because they all live on the wonder banks of the Lanser River.
“I am home” I yell as I enter my hut. My sisters and brothers crowd around me and all ask at once” What you get! Yeah what you get!Tell us, please” “ Okay fine this is what I got. Mint 6 of them, 2 loaves of hala bread,10 apples,10 pears that is it” i say back. “ Sounds go to all of us” they all say back. Through t he crowd I see my Mamma holding a new additoin to the family. She had her when I was gone. I push away the others and look at the new one. My mom says to me in a hoarse voice “ I want you to name it. Name it a good name, please, and care for it well.” “ Yes mamma”i say back as I back my tears. I take the new little on from my mammas cold arms.
As night falls on the clani gather the little ones and get ready for bed and tuck them in and say”Good night” The baby is still awak and is down with eldest sister. I head down and tell my sister to head off to bed. I take little one and tell my sister to “ Put Airaina to bed”” You found a good name” she said back to me. Right as her eyes close a light comes from left side of the house weaveing through the froest ad otters watch as it comes toward my hut. I run out and say”What do you want sir” “ You have been chosen to be one of the emperors alet acquos” Get your stuff” I run in and gather my belongs and tell my sister about it and tell here to watch everyone. I run out again to see the muskrats out of the cravan and the are making room for my stuff and me. When i get in i noticed that i am not alone. There is a fox,falcon flying over it,and a weasel. I sit down next to fox. I ask all of them including the falcon” What is your names” the fox answers first and says “ I am Red fur and am from the beloved Red fur Clan” then the weasel says” I am Karana and I am from Black Stripe Caln” next i hear the voice of the falcon “ I am Silver Tip and from Fly Clan” last but not least i said “ i am Tad and Feom the Banks of The Lanser River in the Paddad foot Clan” The fox sas to me “ I cannot wait to meet the Empore, can you?”
“ No” i say back. “ So how do you like living iin Red Fur Clan . Have you recovered from that awful invasion by those bears and badgers?”
i say to the fox. the fox answers
“ No not yet but all the foxes tthat died have been put in the proper burial place. My father is one of those foxs. I miss him so much he taught me everthing i know. For example when i was 7 moons old he spent many weeks to make me my first bow. When that was finished he taught me how to use it i was the greatest momment of my 14 moon life. I will always rememder the feel of the and shiny wood of my bow. Do you want to see it? I have it with me.”
i say back to him “ Sure but that is so sad that your father died then. my father died when i was very young i do not rember him that much. My mother just died today. I miss her very much. I have to take care of everyone now. Including my new baby sister named Airana”
the fox says back to me,
“Here it is my pride and joy” he says to me as he looks at me.
I say
“ I love it so much”
He says as he puts it back,
“ Thank you so much. We almost to our inn that we will staying at it is supossed to be the best in the aera. i think it is called The Stone Rock Inn. Sounds good to me and everyone else does it sound good to you?”
I answer in a weary voice,
“ I have been there it is so cool when you go inside. All the walls are mede of this cool Stone Rock. That is where they get the name as my momma says. There is a warm fireplace to sit by in the cold winter days and nights. Do you think you like it?”
the fox answers in an ecxited voice,
“ Yes it sounds so cool.When we get there we get to chose room parteners. Do you want to be mine?”
I say back to him in an ecxicted voice,
“Sure”
the fox answrs in a loud voice
“ We are here everyone”
The 2 muskrat guards exit the caravan and show use where to go to and who are parteners. I sleep well that night. I can hear the cool summer breaze dancing among the trees. I would not see this peaceful placa again for a long time.



















Chapter2: An Unfamiliar Place
I stare out the back window as tears build up in my eyes, I knew that that was the last sight of this place for a long time. Thinking about that now. How long will i work for the emperor and what time will I get home? I decied to ask the fox.
“How long will we be working for the emperor?” the fox says to me in a sad voice,
“ Seven moons. Long huh” i say to him in asuprised voice
“ What! That is to long i cannot do that.”

You certainly paint a picture of a fascinating setting. However, due to a glut of poor grammar and spelling it was quite difficult to follow. There's too much to list, but here are a couple of things that stuck out to me.

Walking through my clan with my padded feet touching clod hard ground ,light shone down upon every house in my clan.

There is a number of things wrong with this sentence, but what I want to point out is the use of "clan" twice in the same sentence. It's a little too repetitive and feels clumsy. Properly, the sentence might read: "As I walked through my clan, padded feet touching clod, hard ground, light shown down upon every house."

“I am home” I yell as I enter my hut. My sisters and brothers crowd around me and all ask at once” What you get! Yeah what you get!Tell us, please” “ Okay fine this is what I got. Mint 6 of them, 2 loaves of hala bread,10 apples,10 pears that is it” i say back.

When writing dialogue, it's best to break up new speakers with paragraphs. Example:

"I am home!" I yell as I enter my hut. My sisters and brothers crowd around me, speaking in unison.
"What did you get?"
"Yeah, what did you get? Tell us, please!"
"Okay, fine, this is what I got."

So on and so forth.

Something about the way you write tells me that you understand the basics of grammar, so I would just recommend that you take extra time to be sure that you are spelling things correctly. If you are using a word processor such as Microsoft Word, you should be able to use an automatic grammar and spellchecker as well.

I was going to write a detailed response for this piece until I read it. In my opinion, you should proofread your writing at least a little bit before publishing it to the this website.

There are spelling errors everywhere; about one every sentence. I can't understand what you are talking about because your grammar is so bad. I am not going to change what is written and switch it around to sound better like I usually do because it would take too long. There doesn't seem to be any point to have of the first paragraph, even.

Just some grammatical errors of the first paragraph.


Walking through my clan clan usually means a group of people (or in this case, animals). Is Tad walking through a group of fellow otters? with my padded feet touching clod clod? wtf? do you mean cold?hard ground ,period not commalight shone down upon every house in my clan. As i capitol Ipick up my pace a little I see many other otters gathered. I run up as they despirs disperse . I am disapointed disapointed I missed whatever it was. the last 4 sentences make no sense and do not belong in the story My destanatoin destination comes in to my sight. I run up to and i am gald glad that I am finally at the market for it’s grande grand opening. This opening only happens once a year. grand openings usually only happen once..EVER. You should change the name of the event. I am always glad about this rare occassion. ocassion I know that i am a boy and stuff but I love my family and all of us love this opening and so do i. what? run-on sentence. Take it out. No need for it. I am the type that does not like to be the odd one out. take that out too New Paragraph. As i enter the market Liam who is Liam? waves to me and says “Hey Tad! Glad you made it.” new paragraph “Me too Liam” I say back. New Paragraph. Walking towards the vegabables vegetables.. but herbs would be a better word. I see my favorit favorite one of them alll all: mint. .Mint. I get 6 six small mint leaves and go to the bakery and buy 2 two loaves loafs of bread.Then I go buy apples and some pears. Then I go and buy all of it and then leave. too many thens. New Paragraph. “Bye Liam” i yell.


You need to explain everything that is going on here better before your introduce the market. Your reader has no idea what the heck is going on. Since your are choosing a fantasy topic, you require more explaining than a realistic fiction topic, as an example. I would be like in LoTR if they never told you what hobbits were.

Again, it's actually very rude (and against forum rules) to put a piece on here without doing some sort of spell check. Next time type it out it word (it has spell checker)

good luck! sorry if i was mean

Hm. Well, it's really imaginative, and a very good setting and scene, with a fun tone, but I really couldn't forge my way through very much of it. The capitalization, punctuation, spelling and grammar errors were abundant.

Something that might help is entering the whole thing into a decent Word program and following all the lovely little green/red squiggly lines to see what they have to say. They often are really helpful with punctuation and stuff like that. Another thing that could help is reading it out loud. Whenever you pause to take a breath - that's a comma. Whenever you come to a full stop - that's a period. Shouting? exclamation point. Question? insert question mark. Etc etc etc.

Capitalization - just review the basics. I think you probably know about them - beginning of sentences, proper nouns, "I" etc, but you were just maybe a little lazy with them in this piece?

Spelling - well, another thing a good Word program could help with, but also a careful read-though by you! Don't just dash something off an post it without giving it a review of your own first.

A lot of these problems are an easy fix! All you need to do is read through it carefully, perhaps with the aid of a Word program and a dictionary, and you'll be set. Once you've done that, feel free to send me a quick pm and I'll come back with a more detailed critique.

Good luck!

Cheerio,
Kool

Well... This is certainly an interesting story. There isn't much more I can fix differently from the people above, although I would still like to give you some advice. You are a young writer, and will improve greatly in the years to come; so do not take the following too harshly. I am going to be straightforward with you: this novel needs work, alot of work. You have a good overall idea, and you make a decent attempt for your age at the writing. But, there are alot of technical things wrong with it. You haven't developed your own personal style yet, and thats understandable. I encourage you, however, to keep reading and writing so that you begin to develop your own style of writing. This will add to your work and make it more unique. Also, slooowww downn. You have so many stupid grammatical mistakes, slow down when your typing and analyze your scentences before continuing on. Another thing that I feel is a little nit off is the emotions of the characters. Make them more believable, and delve into their emotions more.

I know that I am rattling on, but remember I am only doing this because I really want to provide you with some good advice. You need to be more descriptive with the characters and your setting. I feel like everything is happening so fast its like I am watching a race. Take time to paint the full picture for your readers. Now this is all I am going to point out right now, I am sure that I have battered down enough. PM me if you have any more questions! I really hope this was helpful, and in no way was I doing this to mean. Thanks.