Fly

Fly

Well, Cherie, there's one decent thing
Coming out of this goodbye;
You will soon
Be able to fly.

Don't worry that I'll still be here-
Crying as your wings stir up the dust.
Forward to your Heaven,
While you slowly lose my trust.

It's really no trouble;
Swear- I don't care.
Yes, I pinkie promise-
You'll be in my once daily prayer.

I put on a strong face,
And i joke around.
While inside, I'm screaming;
Without making a sound.

I tried praying
To your infamous God.
You said Jesus would save you-
But you're still dying;
Now, isnt that odd?

It's killing me;
You keep getting worse.
I'm sorry, I'm helpless.
But you're not yet in a hearse.

I can't do anything.
But neither can they.
What the worst part is-
No one can say.

I guess it won't be that bad
If you really get your wings.
Lord knows you deserve 'em-
As much as that stings.

From what you've said,
Death isn't all bad.
But I still can't see
How you wouldn't get sad.

You told me if I accepted the Lord
Into a welcoming heart,
We could be together, forever.
Just like at the start.

Like a best friend should;
I took the vows you told.
But I've never set foot in a chruch.
Guess I'm not all that bold.

So while you lie there,
Talking of flying and tunnels and lights;
I'll just keep on screaming-
Where the hell is your jesus now?

I guess im the first to review your work! Yay!

Ok the last line seems to awkwardly fit to the poem, maybe you should rephrase it or take it out all together.
As for the subject I think it's a tough one to tkae. The unimaginable. Kudos to you for writing such an awesome piece.
I enjoyed it alot actually. The content of such a peom was amazing because it can be interperted by the reader in many ways.
Of course im not that all good at reviewing poems so I'll leave the grammatical and poem structure for some one else to critque.

Awesome job!
Tiff

Lynne wrote: Fly

Well, Cherie, there's one good thing
Comming out of this goodbye; Comming->coming
You'll soon You will soon (makes the verse longer, 'cause it's too short, opposite of previous)
Be able to fly.

Don't worry that I'll still be here,
Crying as your wings stir up the dust.
Forward to your Heaven,
While you slowly loose my trust. Why did he/she loose your trust if he/she has gone to heaven

It's really no trouble;
Swear- I don't care.
Yes, I pinky promise- What is "pinky"
You'll be in my once daily prayer. You said : "I don't care" Make your choice: care or not care?

I put on a strong face,
And i joke around. i->I
While inside, I'm screaming; comma...
Without making a sound.

I tried praying
To your infamous God.
You said Jesus would save you-
But you're still dieing; now, isnt that odd? dieing->dying, isnt->isn't,verse is too long

It's killing me;
You keep getting worse.
I'm sorry, I'm helpless.
But I'm not a nurse. ...wrong...

I can't do anything; ;->,
But neither can they. Who they?
What the worst part is-
No one can say. Say what?

I guess it won't be that bad; without ;
If you really get your wings.
Lord knows you deserve 'em-
As much as that stings.

From all that you've said,
Death's not really that bad. 's not->isn't, without "really" or "that"...make your choice.
But I still can't see
How you wouldn't get sad.

You told me to accept the Lord
Into my heart, without comma, ...try: into my beloved heart.
And we'd be together - forever. without forever or together?
Just like at the start. good

Like a best friend should;
I tool the vows you told.
But I've never set foot in a church.
Guess I'm not all that bold. nope

So while you lie there,
Talking of flying and tunnels and lights;
I'll just keep on wondering-If you are really pissed off, you don't wonder, you are raving,screaming,...
Where the fuck is your jesus now?

Nice try, but why now when it's Christmas time? I'm an atheist but I still respect religions and their customs. You have quite a lot of spelling&grammar mistakes, make sure you correct them. Although it's your first work, it has freshened up our YWS with some new approach.
P.S. There are children here so take it easy with words like "fxxk"

Just a quick note... you can totally use the f-word in your poems and stories, so don't worry about that, and don't censor yourself, if that's the word that really fits. All that we ask is that you rate it appropriately, so that anything with the f-word is rated R. You can do this easily in the post. If you need any help with this, just bug me. I'm a moderator of YWS, which means I help run the site, and I can totally help you in anything you need.

Also! Now that I'm commenting, I want to point out a quick error: "While you slowly loose my trust." Loose is an adjective that describes baggy clothes. What you want is "lose."

And "pinky promise" is fine. I think the other guy is a foreigner, and so he's not so used to colloquial phrases. So it makes sense to me, but not him. And that's totally cool, if that's what fits.

A couple of other quick errors!

But you're still dieing; <-- should be dying
But your not yet in a hearse. <-- your should be you're
Death's isn't all bad. <-- Death's should be Death

Now! About the actual content of the poem, now that I've been nit-picky with a couple of words. XD What I like about this poem is the bittersweetness of the whole situation. The narrator's friend is dying, and the narrator is frustrated by the complete lack of God that he sees. And, although I've never been put in a situation where I've had to watch my best friend die (thank God!) I can still totally relate to this. I remember my grandmother, before she died, was talking about flying with the angels, and it drove me crazy because I wanted her to be there with me. And it hurt. So I love the sentiments, I love the bitterness, and I love the love that the narrator obviously haves for his friend, even though there's an obvious frustration.

What I think holds back this poem the most is the rhyming scheme. Sometimes, it seems like you're trying to force a rhyme to happen, and it just doesn't work. For rhyming poems, there has to be a certain meter with it, and that means that the syllable count for each line has to be somewhat even. If it's not somewhat even, it's going to be lopsided and it's going to look strange. Right now, it looks a little strange. Fill in the lines that are too short to be even and see if you can shorten the longer lines that are too long. That way, it'll seem better and more readable. And, if you have no idea what I'm talking about, PM me and I can do a video critique and read the poem to you so you can see where it is awkward.

Anyway, hope this helps! If you have any questions about this critique or of YWS in general, just bug me. I'll be glad to help.

I will just second what everybody else said and slink off into cyberworld......
Yells: *I second their claims!* So that's my crit...sorry I wasn't more original, but they already said prettymuch everything. Seeya.
Cheers!
--Voxina