Kissed By Icy Water

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A silvery form floats above the frozen water. Ice-crystals shimmer and shine in the dying light of day as blackness begins to swallow the blue of the sky. Only the sound of dripping water is to be heard, the echoed plip-plopping sounded like a booming symphony to her ears. She lifted her head; this is where it had all happened. This is where he died, cold and alone, lulled to his eternal sleep by the cold kiss of water dripping on his face, with more than just his bones crushed. She sighed, she almost felt a drop of remorse, but after years of doing the same thing, it never made it from her heart to her brain. This was her punishment for showing compassion in a world of hate. Each cycle of the moon she had to find a boy, or a man, whose time was coming to an end, and take them under her wing. Each loved her, as she once could have loved, each meeting his fate in this ice-crystal cave, each dying with more than a broken body. But now she feels nothing, each passing moon has frozen her slow beating heart and turned it to solid ice, surrounded by the steal wall of a promise made long ago. No more would she love, no more would she feel. No more would she stand by the grave of the one she once loved, with salty tears streaming down her face, freezing, and shattering like tiny diamonds on the bare and cold earth. She spread her angel-wings, but still no sound could be heard, except for the infinite plip-plop of droplets. If only she had known before, known that there were reasons why no one knew of female angels, why no angel was supposed to talk to man, why no angel was supposed to fall in love. Now she floats in her cave, surrounded by the souls of her task. Turning cold eyes upon her many victims, some praying, some hoping, but all looking with pleading eyes to be let to rest.
A sound is heard from up above, the first one heard in so, so many years. A bright light pierces the darkness, cutting it apart, to reveal him. The one responsible for it all. The human boy who was supposed to be gone. He called out to her, “This has to stop, you have no right to be doing this.” His voice was the same as she remembered, soft, strong, and ever so willful. “This task wasn’t set upon you, you set it upon yourself. Everything that you have done since I have died, every single death, is your fault. Stop and maybe He will take you back into his ranks.” And with that he faded like sound on the wind. Everything was as silent as the dead. No longer was water dripping, but instead, salty tears leaked out and struck the frozen lake from which she was floating above. A crackling was heard. A huge chunk of the roof of the cave fell onto the lake, shattering the water just has the wall of promise and years of layered ice fell off her heart, leaving it raw, red, and exposed. Faster and faster the ice fell, shattering more and more of her lake, letting even more of her victims free, until every single one was gone, free from their love and their prison. She looked around with near-dead eyes and let her wings fall. Down and down she plummeted, into the inky black lake. The darkness closed in around her, as she was kissed by the icy water, and lulled to sleep by the ever-present sound in her dying mind. “It’s all your fault, it’s all you fault. Everything that has happened, everything that you did, was all your fault.”




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I absolutely loved this. Your imagery is fantastic. I hope you're writing more? Let me know if/when you do. \

Just two little spelling errors.

But now she feels nothing, each passing moon has frozen her slow beating heart and turned it to solid ice, surrounded by the steal wall of a promise made long ago.

By "steal" I'm pretty sure you don't mean to take, but like the metal, steel.

A huge chunk of the roof of the cave fell onto the lake, shattering the water just has the wall of promise and years of layered ice fell off her heart

And for this one you just put "has" instead of "as", just two little spelling things :)

with salty tears streaming down her face, freezing, and shattering like tiny diamonds on the bare and cold earth.

This was my favorite piece of imagery, love it!

Great work, I can't wait to read the next part.




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right, im aloe and ill be critiquing this today, sorry if my critiques are harsh, but its how you learn.

okay lessee,

Ice-crystals shimmer and shine in the dying light of day as blackness begins to swallow the blue of the sky


firstly this sounds a little long to be just a sentence by itself. you might want to substitute the 'as' for 'and' or just break it into two sentences there. or not i might just be crazy.

Only the sound of dripping water is to be heard, the echoed plip-plopping sounded like a booming symphony to her ears


i think that that is a tense shift mid sentence at 'echoed'. that's just really bad flow wise. seriously don't do it. stick to a tense, please. it makes your reader want to keep reading when it reads nice. when it sounds weird it discourages people from reading further. you probably knew that but i just wanted to emphasize it.

This is where he died, cold and alone, lulled to his eternal sleep by the cold kiss of water dripping on his face, with more than just his bones crushed


I've always been one for short sweet and to the point sentences but again i think this is just too long.
Each loved her, as she once could have loved, each meeting his fate in this ice-crystal cave, each dying with more than a broken body. But now she feels nothing, each passing moon has frozen her slow beating heart and turned it to solid ice, surrounded by the steal wall of a promise made long ago. No more would she love, no more would she feel. No more would she stand by the grave of the one she once loved, with salty tears streaming down her face, freezing, and shattering like tiny diamonds on the bare and cold earth


i may be crazy but... there are more tense shifts here (i think there are anyway) than i can count. please keep a careful eye on that.

A sound is heard from up above, the first one heard in so, so many years. A bright light pierces the darkness, cutting it apart, to reveal him


just a technical not on this site you have to put a line between paragraphs and use spaces for indents, its another one of those presentation things.

“This task wasn’t set upon you, you set it upon yourself. Everything that you have done since I have died, every single death, is your fault. Stop and maybe He will take you back into his ranks.”


you haven't exactly made it clear who is talking here. sometimes it works but i prefer if you put a He said/She said style tag on there.

okay, this is very good. its better than i lot of pieces i read on this site. couple of notes however, this is only two paragraphs! of course it is a normal sized piece because each paragraph is extremely bloated. i don't know if you may want to break each paragraph up or take out descriptions and expand on things but it seems weird to read just two paragraphs of writing. keep an eye on tense shifts as they are serious bad juju. good work and keep at it. 9/10 in my book.
I will show you fear in a handful of dust
~T.S "Butch" Eliot
"Insanity is just a state of mind" ~Allan Alda as Hawkeye Pierce
My first thought was, he lied in every word.
~Robert "Sundance" Browning



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