It will find Its Way Through

Another poem about my Dad for my American Lit. class. I have yet to get a grade on it, but I'll keep everyone informed. I still consider this a draft..but lets see what the reviewers think, shall we?

*12/21/08 Update: I've been slowly modifying this piece, so I'd like to thank those in this thread who've been giving me good suggestions to polish this poem up!

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It will find Its Way Through

I draw the curtain,
And make my way through,
Bracing for the moments,
Of my last time with you.

I walk slowly,
Dragging my feet,
To stand at your side,
And suffer defeat.

Is this really the end?
Is it time for farewells?
Or can I save you?
Does a solution dwell?

Right there it hits me,
So clear and so true:
Maybe if I just hold on,
I can protect you.

And so I hold you,
So dear and so close,
But the air around me whispers:
“This is not how it goes.”

I can hear it coming,
It knows its cue,
“Dad, it’s going to take you,
And make our time due.”

These walls of protection are breaking,
There’s nothing I can do,
Cause there’s no hiding from Death,
It will find its way through.

2008 Vincent Cuccolo

PoeticGlow wrote:Another poem about my Dad for my American Lit. class. I have yet to get a grade on it, but I'll keep everyone informed. I still consider this a draft..but lets see what the reviewers think, shall we?

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It'll find Its Way Through
I think you should use "It will" instead of "It'll". Contractions are informal and it does not really fit the subject of the poem. Also, it's still two syllables in case you're worried about flow.
I draw the curtain,
And make my way through,
Bracing for the moments, This line and the next sound a bit weird-read them out loud to yourself and you'll get what I mean.
Of my last time with you.

I walk slowly,
Seemingly to drag my feet, Ditch the 'seemingly'-it adds nothing to your poem and sounds awkward. You could go with "dragging my feet" or something instead.
To stand at your side,
And suffer defeat.

Is this really the end?
Is it time for farewells?
Or can I save you?
Does a solution dwell? Would you really say 'Does a solution dwell?' It feels like you just chose the word 'dwell' because it rhymes.

Right there it hits me,
So clear and so true:
Maybe if I just hold on,
I can protect you.

And so I hold you,
So dear and so close,
But the air around me whispers, Think about replacing the comma with a colon. It would work better.
“This isn’t how it goes.”

I can hear it coming,
It knows its cue,
“Dad, it’s going to take you,
And make our time due.” Make our time due? I have no idea what this means.

These walls of protection are breaking,
There’s nothing I can do,
Cause there’s no hiding from Death,
It’ll find its way through.

2008 Vincent Cuccolo

Overall: Sorry for the harsh review, but I did enjoy reading this. It's obviously very emotional, so the complaints I have are about your wording. Rhyme is a great tool, but it can be tricky: sometimes your rhymes seem forced, like the 'dwell' line that I pointed out. So be careful, if you really want to use rhyme, you need to make sure that it still flows.
One more thing, and then I'm done (I promise ): You use a lot of commas, at the end of each line. In poetry, that much punctuation is unnecessary. Commas pause a line, and in poetry line breaks do the same thing. So the comma is superfluous. Do you see what I mean? Punctuation can emphasize your point, but only if you use it sparingly.

Okay, done.This was good (I'm only harsh when the poem is good). I think this will be really excellent if you read it out loud a few times and edit it. PM me if you need any more help, or are confused or anything. Keep up the writing!

No need to apologize! After all, I wanted to see what reviewers think.

I really like the suggestions you've given me, and I'll be sure to modify this.

I won't lie..I like to rhyme, a lot, and (ok you caught me) I only used the word "dwell" cause it rhymed .

Although, I don't know how you didn't understand the last line in the 6th stanza. What I meant by "make our time due" is simply that "death" was coming to take away the final moments with my Father and I. Perhaps the wording was akward, so I'll give it a look.

Thanks for the honest feedback.

-PG

Hi Poetic Glow,

this is a neat poem you have here. It didn't blow me off my feet, admittedly, but I thought it was nice. There are one or two things I would criticize though:

1)

Or can I save you?
Does a solution dwell?

The word dwell sticks out a bit, for it is not as simple as the rest of the poem, so it pulls the reader right out of the mood you've created. I know you've rhymed everywhere else, but here it sounds a little forced and since farewells is plural it doesn't even rhyme that well.

Also "a solution" sounds a bit awkward. Especially when one later realizes that it's about death. There is no solution for death and saving someone is not always like finding a solution, if you know what I mean. I just doesn't seem to fit.

2)

But the air around me whispers:
“This isn’t how it goes.”

For the rhythm and message I think here it would be good to break up the contraction and write "This is not how it goes", because that would emphasize the not and in my ears is better for the flow, but I may be mistaken about the latter.

I like your general flow though.

I hope I was a little help. PM me, should you have any questions.

All the best,
~Kalliope

Thanks for the feedback.

I'll be sure to take out the "dwell" part.

As for "solution", I know it may sound like it doesn't fit very well with the poem, but it does, because I know there's no "solution" for death. My reason for having it in the poem is because this poem is partly about holding on to someone (in this case, my Father.)

Hi there,

You have some interesting ideas in this poem. I think the curtain image is great, but underdeveloped and only obliquely referenced in the breaking "walls of protection" in the last stanza. Either use the curtains as an extended metaphor (yes, I know, I like that word and haven't written one yet) or make a more explicit reference to it at the end. If you look at my poem "Broken Light" for instance (in Dramatic Poetry, or my Portfolio), notice how the repeated motifs thread their way through the poem and act as a kind of unifying device that gives the whole piece a sense of completeness, a balanced bridge if you like. With this in mind, let's look at your last stanza:

"These walls of protection are breaking,
There’s nothing I can do,
Cause there’s no hiding from Death,
It will find its way through."

Even though the "walls of protection" are a sufficient metaphor, the image doesn't excite me, partly because of what I've explained above. To refer back to the curtains at the start, you might have something like this, as a very crude example:

"Death is massing his minions of terror;
his legions break like curtains of shimmering light
through me. I can't run or hide from his solitary might;
my life trickles away into the malevolent night."

Of course, you would need to work the militaristic imagery through the rest of the piece to get the full effect, and I altered your rhythm (sorry!). I felt changing the rhyme scheme here would add a sense of finality to the whole, much as Shakespeare used to end his acts with a rhyming couplet, but it's only a suggestion.

Good work otherwise. Well done!



Gahks

6/10