When you smile

I was reluctant to post this so please let me know what you think.


When you smile,
you remind me of a cliche
of you and I
of happier days.

When you smile,
my heart beats fast,
I wish the moment,
would forever last.

When you smile,
I smile too.
I can't stay angry
too long with you.

When you smile,
your beautiful face,
shines for miles,

When you smile,
the sad inside,
my beating heart
begins to subside.
My feelings for you I cannot hide,
when you smile.

not entirely bad. it wasn't great, certainly, but it was okay. it flowed particularly well, except for in the fourth stanza, on the last line. it wasn't very artistic, or metaphorical, which is what i like. but that's just my personal opinion. i'd say this was a very noble attempt at poetry. good job, and keep writing

-zalarus

That was entirely good.but it needs to be moved topoetry collunm. Good job!

CrisCaraway wrote:When you smile,
you remind me of a cliche
of you and I
of happier days.

What a surprise! This entire poem reminds me of a cliche, the Cliche of a Lovestruck Teenager. Sound familiar?

When you smile,
my heart beats fast,
I wish the moment,
would forever last.

Oh come on. Heart beating fast? I know you can do better than that - put in some original symbolism and imagery here, not stuff that's been done since 1300 AD.

When you smile,
I smile too.
I can't stay angry
too long with you.

See above.

When you smile,
your beautiful face,
shines for miles,
in my eyes anyway.

See above. Also, the last line casts doubt upon the poem and thus makes the reader doubt whether what you're saying is sincere. Is this really what you wanted to portray?

When you smile,
the sad inside,
my beating heart
begins to subside.

If you're going to do this and throw in some sadness, you need to explain when and why it came about. Also, the whole heart thing is overused and cliched.

My feelings for you I cannot hide,
when you smile.

And after that typical Lovestruck Teenager poem, you cap it off with a nice Myspace smile. I honestly hope that wasn't supposed to be part of the poem itself.

In general, the only thing that I could find wrong was cliches...because there was nothing else in the poem besides cliches. Mop this up and recreate it as your own. Good luck!

Aww... reluctant to post this? But we love you!

Anyway, I did a video critique of this, just because! I'm afraid I yawn four times (I guess I should have gone to bed?) but I read your poem out loud (dun dun DUN!) and I commented on it and gave you some advice on how you can change it around and make it more awesome.

So! The video is here: http://revver.com/video/1297849/affilia ... you-smile/

If you can't access the video, just PM me and I'll do a real critique.

Hope this helps!

AWW! it is very cute! I think this is a very cute and accurate poem! Good Job! Keep writing!

The poem is good. especially the flow, i felt like eating sugar while reading it.

nice work keep it up..i cant find any flaw in it.

When you smile,
you remind me of a cliche
of you and I
of happier days.

It doesn't fit together well, try to add some description of the cliche time you had together.

When you smile,
my heart beats fast,
I wish the moment,
would forever last.

This is good, you have put some description in here

When you smile,
I smile too.
I can't stay angry
too long with you.

My ignorance is taking over here, but the rhyming of too, and you, is a bit cliche and overused. Try make it unusual.

When you smile,
your beautiful face,
shines for miles,
in my eyes anyway.

The last bit 'In my eyes anyway' doesn't work for me. Try;
When you smile,
Your beautiful face shines for miles,
It is shorter, to the point and sounds better flowing.

When you smile,
the sad inside,
my beating heart
begins to subside.

Don't hit enter after every word, try to string some sentences together.
When you smile,
the sad inside my beating heart,
begins to subside.

This was a good poem, but you need to get more description of longing for the person you are talking about. Add some character and feel, don't just tell it how it is.
Good work, and good luck
-Inksplatter

Thank you all so much for reviewing this, its not ,my best piece but from the advice you guys have given me, I'll edit this and hopefully make it better

CrisCaraway wrote:I was reluctant to post this so please let me know what you think.


When you smile,
you remind me of a cliche
of you and I...
...of happier days.

When you smile,
my heart beats fast,
I wish this moment,
would forever last.

When you smile,
I smile too.
I can't stay angry
too long with you.

When you smile,
your beautiful face, this is not a rhyme
shines for miles,
in my eyes anyway.

When you smile,
the sad inside,
my beating heart
begins to subside.
My feelings for you I cannot hide,
when you smile.

It's a classic ending... too traditional for my taste but good.

This was really cute. I never know what to say when reviewing poetry, because I think it's really just up to the poet, and I didn't see anything stand out to me that sounded off... so very good! I haven't written poetry in a long time (try seventh grade?) and I just wrote some so I wanted to go on here and check it out... it's all so good! Anywhoot, this is really sweet and honest and true, you've got a nice thing going on.

-Shannon