Elder's Secret Pt. (Removed)

*Removed*

Hey Adam.

The tower was busier than ever, the lifts, covered in people, made it difficult for Colin to get around.

Covered doesn't seem to be the right word here. It's as though the people are like glued onto the lifts lol.

Pushing the thought from his mind the lift stopped, letting him be free of their staring eyes.

This sentence is fragmented. It doesn't seem to flow logically to what's happening.

Approaching the training room Colin could hear muffled voices from behind the door.

Comma after "room".

He was a little early so maybe it was being used for something.

How could Colin tell that the training room was being used?

Jason came around the corner, his expression of complete annoyance.

Annoyed? Why?

“Ah, boys, right on time.” She smiled, hiding a truth from both of them.

Why do you need to tell us again that she's hiding a truth from them? You've already shown that earlier.

She clicked a few buttons on a nearby computer, wires trailing the floor to the dummy.

Another fragmented sentence.

The words barely comprehended in Colin’s brain when Jason let out a fierce burst of wind, it ripped across the floor entangling the dummy in a whirl of wires and dust.

Consider rephrasing the first part of the sentence. Try "The words have barely registered into Colin's brain..."

“You’re power level grown about thirty two percent since you first arrived. That is quite remarkable.”

"has grown". Also, I also question the relevance of this test in regards to the narrative. Were we ever shown Jason and/or Colin actually training themselves to become stronger? And why do they need this training anyways? Also, if it's so remarkable, why don't they seem surprised or shocked? I had expected a little more commotion from such a remark.

Gaining complete control as best he could.

This sentence is incomplete since there's no dependant clause here.

Bella nodded, indicating he could start and like a fluid, Colin snapped into a form he couldn’t explain, as if his powers were taken a hold of him.

"Taking".

“But, how? That dummy has been here for over fifty years and made to withstand…” She looked from the charred pieces on the floor to Colin; he could feel the color draining out of his face, unsure as to what he did or how it happened.

I'm curious as to how Colin's actually feeling after hearing that.

Stomping off to the lift, Jason apologizing and running after him.

Who's actually stomping here? Jason or Colin? And shouldn't the second clause in this sentence be "Jason apologized and ran after him?"

The solution became clear faster than he would have liked, and soon was facing the unreal possibility he hoped was a missed step in his surreal math.

"was soon", not "soon was". I think it reads better that way.

The door opened and there he was. Luke, tied up to many fancy machines that hissed and glowed. Making odd little sounds as they all groped at him.

You can combine the last sentence with the one before it.

Colin could feel the empty space around him collapse and start crushing him while his uncle lay motionless. Unaware of the world, unaware that he was even there.

"starting to crush him".

I have the ability to sense certain incantations as they’re being cast, but Luke doesn’t so before I could get o him they hit him, but I managed to get us both out in time.

"to".

“No! Are you crazy if you get behind right before exams you’ll never pass. Now get up before I push you out on the floor.”

Full-stop after "crazy". Capitalize the "i" in "if".

“No, it’s just around…” The black cloak. Wafting around an unknown form it had its covered arm outstretched, balancing a floating body in the air as it clutched a dagger in the other, dripping blood to the clean floor. Melissa gasped, alerting the creature to their existence.

Wait, weren't' they in the classroom just then? If that's the case, why hasn't any of the teachers/students in the class reacted to this strange event?

The black cloak made more sounds of vocalization, this time facing the lifeless body hanging midair before it.

Someone died? (or attacked?) Why weren't we shown of this?

Overall impressions:

1) Convince us

There are some bits of the piece that lacks specific details to make that section more believable/convincing for the reader.

a) Tower scene.

I would like a more aural impression of that scene. You've only described the number of people there, but really, it doesn't fully show us that they were busy.

b) Training room scene.

There doesn't seem to be much shock/commotion in that particular scene given the results. I was thinking that Jason would be at least bragging about it to Colin or jumping for joy etc. With Colin breaking the dummy, it didn't seem that real for me. This is because the professor doesn't seem to take the time to slowly register as to what had just happened. Fifty years is quite a long time, so to have the dummy be destroyed after all that time, it would obviously be quite demanding to get used to such a sudden change.

2) Emotions

I notice there's quite a heavy emphasis placed on the emotion of anger. Events that happened in this piece (and in the past) tend to occur only to place misfortune on Colin rather than to drive the narrative forward or reveal more insight on his character. But with most of his misfortunes, he tends to react to them with just plain anger. Sure there is some justification as to why he acts that way, but I'm confident that as humans, we do not just feel the emotion of anger a majority of the time in our lives. OK yea, he may be happy at certain sections of the novel, but compared to the emotion of anger, it's much inferior. His thoughts are pretty limiting too. With events that happen in the piece, he would view it only as being unfair or unjust without really considering the wider ramifications. This makes it harder for the audience to relate to his anger since he doesn't fully realize the reasons as to why he's angry. The blatant thought bubbles do not help much with his side of the argument either.

Also, consider the fact that other characters do have emotions/thoughts too.

3) The ride back to the apartment

A lot had happened that night, so I was annoyed that you didn't show the conversation between them during the car ride. (Unless they seriously kept mute throughout the trip in which case, I don't see as to how their friendship works). That would had been a great time to characterize them further and to show to the audience of their individual views and feelings and how they contrast/oppose or link up.

Have you ever had a bad day before and needed someone to talk to? I find expressing these types of emotions/thoughts works rather well during car trips. Let's face it, car trips can get pretty boring since it's just us sitting inside the vehicle for several minutes (hours) before arriving at our destination. Therefore, it would be appropriate to break this boredom by talking with one another about various aspects of life (you could help provide a wider scope of your world and characters in times here).

4) Angry in the night, fine in the morning

Colin seems to be rather angry with what happened during the night, but in the morning, he's all hunky dory. It's like doesn't remember as to what happened during the night. I'm surprised that he doesn't talk to Mel about it (they are in a relationship after all) about his feelings/thoughts or at least have some mention about it. If Colin's hiding it, you have to justify and show the reasons as to why Colin's hiding what happened last night. You can't leave the audience to assume such a key point.

Overall though, it's decent and kept my interest throughout. I think I've highlighted the main issues that I have with this piece. Regarding issues concerning the novel on the whole, I think it would be more appropriate if I discuss them in greater depth when you've actually finished this novel (need to view the novel on the whole and how your narrative structure works).

Good luck Adam and keep going!

Andy.