Removed.

Removed.

OK, Moby Dick? I was so expecting that guy to turn into a whale.

Anyway, to be unhelpful:

a day shift as Blockbusters

"as" = "at"

and could still feel residue boredom rattling around inside me

I just find this a little ironic. He's bored, and he feels boredom "rattling" inside him? See what I mean? Maybe it numbs him. Yes, I like that.

He held up his lightless mobile as evidence [s]to this fact[/s].

Don't excess.

Into my pocket I reached, and over to the stranger I handed my phone.

I like that. Just had to say.

‘That is great.’

This is the moment when something as simple as changing 'that is' to 'that's' can make the difference between just plain weird to sarcastic, if you get my drift. I think 'that's great' goes a bit better, da? But whatever. It won't fail your course.

I'm really hoping you have something interesting planned for us, because I'm just thinking: "What the hell is the point to all of this?" As I am sure you are too, and so I won't nag you to add something more exciting in there. As I said, it's a surprising strength.

Onto the humour:

It's funny, but it contrasts with the narration too much. The story is told from a fairly boring voice, and gives it an estranged sense of interest, namely, humour, but equally, it's all changed when you read the footnotes. I loved the one about the flaw, but it' not as dry and I can see that it's intended to be funny, and it is. It just feels to me like you're writing the footnotes from a different angle to the character. That's how I feel.

Generally, though, short and sweet. But try and get to the point some more--it's difficult to comment without reading the whole lot, and thus, I will give more feedback when you post the last part. I'll try not to make it too big though, since it's in for Thursday.

Best,
Me.

Thanks for the review again. ^_^

Remind me to buy you a beer one day.

and could still feel residue boredom rattling around inside me

No problem with rattling, but I would say 'residual'

quite possible in the form of projectile vomit, actually.

possibly

My initial thought was that this was some ploy to steal my phone: as in, I would hand it to him, and then he’d cunningly run off with it.

can do without 'then'

That is great.’

Blink was absolutely right about this. Change it.

**

Much, much better than the last bit! And what's more, I begin to see where it's headed. I like. I like very much indeed.

Good work.

Cheers

Thanks again. =)

I'm toying with the idea of deleting the first part altogether. It's not really important to the plotline, it's just there for some thematic stuff. With it, I might end up going over the wordcount, whereas without it I should be fine.

What d'you guys think?

Will wait to the end - I'm thinking its a good move at the moment, but the ending could change things, no? Will get back to you on that.