alone

Yes, I know, a bit gloomy. Well, I dont mean to write like that, it just comes out. I hope aslike comes under authors licence, I couldnt find a fitting word. please comment!

Alone

Lovely is the moonligt
lovely are the stars
yet voices from the doorway
aslike approaching sharks
not loud
not quiet
soundless in the dark
approaching they are feareless
coming as they are

coming as a wave
coming all alone
surrounding you
confronting you
absorbed in the midst
outsider on your own

sheepy.shoo wrote:
Alone

Lovely is the moonligt
lovely are the stars
yet voices from the doorway
aslike Is this 'like' or 'as'? approaching sharks Slightly odd similie here. Sharks? Of all the things to choose!
not loud
not quiet
soundless in the dark
approaching they are feareless *fearless
coming as they are

coming as a wave
coming all alone Are they a wave or alone?
surrounding you
confronting you
absorbed in the midst
outsider on your own

I don't really get it! There was some wierd wording going on here. You have similies and powerful words and repetition and all the things poems have...but you've put them together in a really odd way. I think you need to make it more clear what the poem is about because I really don't understand.

But then again, I might just be being stupid.

xxx

hmm... I'm just too illogical! xxD

Hi sheepy.shoo,

first of all: Welcome to YWS. If you love writing and want to share your work with others you are at exactly the right place. There are a lot of very gifted writers on here that give wonderful advice on how you can improve. I'm sure you have a lot of good tips, too. So that everyone gets the feedback they deserve we have a rule that says you have to critique two pieces for every piece you post. It benefits the community and a lot of members will want to give you a critique in return, if they found yours helpful. (You're new, so noone will bite you, because you haven't reviewed yet )

Now to your poem:

If I understand correctly the basic thought is that an outsider, someone who is alone, is still confronted with what other people say. Hence one may be alone, but one is still notices what's going on although oneself is not noticed.

That's what I understood so far, but I must agree with Raimunda that it is not exactly clear what you mean.

I think I shall just pick it apart and let you know how I understand different parts, so you know what you may want to clarify.

Alone

Lovely is the moonlight
lovely are the stars

One can still see beauty...

yet voices from the doorway
aslike approaching sharks

According to dictionary.com "aslike" is not a word, so I think it's be good to just choose one.

... yet the voices from the outside you haven't shut out completely (doorway) - What exactly? There's no predicate, so it's kind of hard to know what exactly the voices are doing. I think a predicate would clear things up somewhat.



not loud
not quiet

The outside world is not screaming at you and it's not hushing, so you can't hear. It's just there, which means it had no notion of you.


soundless in the dark
approaching they are fear[s]e[/s]less
coming as they are
coming as a wave
coming all alone

These lines I have trouble understanding, for a few reasons:

1) Soundless, as I understand it, is the maximum of quiet. But just in the line before you tell us that they are not quiet.

2) The rest doesn't fit with my interpretation, which hence may be wrong, but I don't know at all what the lines are saying, so I can't revise it and make it more accurate. I'm a little lost here, to be honest.

surrounding you
confronting you
absorbed in the midst
outsider on your own

Fits with what I previously thought again.

Another thing you should work on is punctuation. It gives you the opportunity to decide how the poem is read. Just like in music, where the composer can put accents and tempos and pianos and fortes etc. you can put full stops and commas and all of those things.

What I suppose I understood of it, I liked. You have a nice idea and what I understood was conveyed well.

This has potential. Keep it up!

Best,
~Kalliope

I enjoyed this poem because it has style.
The poem has a personal style that is not evident in most people's writing
this is a bit confusing, but it definately has potential and a very personal tone.

Of course they are a wave and all alone, just as people are, we are people, and most people move, act and think together, but we really are all alone, arennt we?

and I dont think it is odd to compare to sharks. sharks are vicious creatures, and when they travel in packs (which few do) when one shark is to show a weakness, or such, they will literally tear it apart. canibalism too. yay.

I think I understood this poem, but then again, this is only my interpretation of your work.