Sunestraka

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Buildings loomed out of the darkness, leering grotesquely as I swerved amongst them. Sandals slapping heavily against the cobbles, I ran as fast as I knew how. The sounds of pursuit had faded into the distance but I roughly squashed the sudden flare of hope – it was too soon for that. The grey material of my uniform was soaked black with sweat and my thin, knobby legs shook with weariness.
I couldn’t stop, not now.
I had to get away from them. From the crystals and that meant fleeing – to where, I wasn’t sure – right now, escaping was enough. I dodged into yet another crooked alley, stumbling past boxes and over steaming grates. I slowed, hastily catching my breath and glancing around quickly. Tall, squalid buildings rose above me, decrepit old men stiff with disapproval. Rubbish seemed to ooze out of the walls, trailing filthy liquids that swirled with the disease.
The stench hit me with a sudden punch as though it had lain in waiting. I hurried on, feet squelching in the muck. It couldn’t be far now, if the darkness and the general air of neglect was anything to go by. Darkness – it was a concept I was still trying to grasp. Shadows swarmed over the clutter, giving new dimensions to the upended remains of broken furniture. Chairs became squat demons reaching out with teetering arms, rats became fanged monstrosities hissing and squealing in the night and from within every broken window unseen enemies lurked.
Without the familiar, constant light of crystals to guide and illuminate, I was lost. The world had become an unfamiliar and hostile place, one I needed refuge from. And soon. I came to the end of the alley, looked out on yet another unfamiliar street. Even as I watched, the silence retreated, invaded by rising voices and faintly, the baying of wolves. They were here! I ducked back within the treacherous lane, sticking closely to the wall. Beams of light shone from the right end of the street as soldiers rounded the corner. There were several of them, all mean looking thugs. The two in the lead held aloft the wands lighting the way.
My eyes were immediately attracted to them – the short, practical versions of the giant poles that illuminated the City. Those crystals, always a source of comfort before, were now my enemies.. I could feel a bubble of terror swelling deep within, rising ever higher until it lodged in my throat and I choked, fearing it would burst and release the scream within. Stay calm, just stay calm. They don’t know you’re here. The voice would have been reassuring were it not quavering and thin with hysteria. I edged backward, slow and silent. I hovered on the knife-edge of panic, eyes wide and staring.
As I slipped further away, I blessed the darkness for concealing me. Too soon, it seemed as my leg caught on something and I stumbled, cursing. Immediately shouts punctured the night as the soldiers broke into a sprint. I windmilled wildly, spinning around and kicking the offending chair away. By the time I’d done so, they were already at the mouth of the alley, triumphant shouts calling the rest of the hunt on. I sprinted forward, unable to resist glancing back, straight into the burning crystal gaze of the wand – there was a fierce keening, a pounding push in my mind – and the light bloomed into a small sun. Crying out, I wrenched my eyes away even as it exploded, launching the man into the others.
Propelled on their horrible, demented screams, I fled once more. I worried myself ever deeper into the bowels of the City, just another rat among millions. The air was heavy and humid, wrapping itself around me in a thick cloak. Huge, wrenching gasps of it didn’t seem to provide any oxygen at all; it seeped into my mouth, turgid and thick. It was all I could do not to choke on it, but I needed every dirty breath to push on. I could hear the renewed sounds of pursuit and it was almost enough to crush what little will I had left. That’s when I finally saw it, standing tall in the distance: the First Wall. Smaller and more compact than the Second which encompassed the entirety of the City, this one guarded the way into the Outskirts. Into freedom.
As I peered out of yet another passageway, I was both elated and resigned. Elated that I’d made it this far but resigned to the fact that I would never reach it. For leading up to it was a wide thoroughfare, lit as all such were, by the Wands. The glow of the giant crystals was soft but constant and though pockets of shadow remained, as soon as I strode that avenue they would blaze such a path into the heavens that even the blind would see. I remembered the several explosions already, the searing light and agonized screams – I shied away from that mental cliff face, retreated from the memories.
The baying of wolves sounded again, deep and close. Above it, the din of men – the cordon was tightening. They were herding me into a corner I realised, thinking the Wall to be a dead end. As my eyes travelled once more along the street, noting the space between each of the columns of light and lastly between the final pair and the Wall, a plan began to formulate. The toll would be horrific, the idea itself was crazy but I couldn’t stop now. It was getting harder to think straight as dizzy spells swamped me.
“Fine, you want to follow me?” I whispered, a gruesome smile twisting my lips. “Reap the rewards.”
I crouched down, still and silent but for the frantic pacing of my thunderous heart. Timing was essential. Slowly, the noose tightened still further yet; the victim had changed but the result would be the same.
Finally, as I made out the individual men and the straining beasts, I made my move. Bolting out of cover, I skidded onto the street and into view. Pandemonium erupted as beasts went wild and their masters yelled a dozen orders at once –
“Catch him!”
“Kill him!”
“Stop him!”
It would all be for naught I knew as I ran toward the wall. The Wands had already begun to hum, a swirling coruscating light building deep within them. The hum became an odd buzz that built gradually into a searing whine and the shouts of men and dogs were lost as the Wands burst into brilliance. My mind felt like it was being torn apart by a dozen different forces – vision had faded into a canvas of white as voices assaulted me in a vicious whirl of rage and fear –
- Let us out! You will pay, mortal scum!
A tide of ancient anger swallowed me whole and I was stunned at what I sensed; layers of resentment older than the City itself and yearning beneath it all, a hunger that was truly terrifying.
- The pain; have mercy, the pain!
Through it all I was distantly aware that my legs were still pumping, the light was getting fiercer still until a hundred suns burned the street and the cobbles began scalding hot. Ever faster and fleet of foot I swept over them as behind me the horrible wails of burning men and dogs began to strangle the fabric of the night. It was just the beginning and they didn’t even know, those poor desperate fools; the first pair of Wands shattered, creating a scything crossroads of death. Distantly, but catching up now, they went off in succession even as I reached the last column and leaped into space – there was one last explosion amidst a flare of agony, before oblivion crashed down.
Last edited by Jiggity on Thu Dec 11, 2008 2:20 am, edited 1 time in total.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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The sounds of pursuit had faded into the distance but he roughly squashed the sudden flare of hope – it was too soon for that.


You change into third person here

Tall, squalid buildings rose above me, decrepit old men stiff with disapproval.


A good metaphor. The simple reference makes you overlook some of the more complex words.

I came to the end of the alley, looked out on yet another unfamiliar street.


Put an "and" instead of a comma or put it after. Your choice.

There were several of them, one and all mean looking thugs.


"one and" is redundent.

I could feel a bubble of terror swelling deep within, rising ever higher until it lodged in my throat and I choked, fearing it would burst and release the scream within.


Delete the "and," replace with a period.

As I slipped further away, I blessed the darkness for concealing me. Too soon, it seemed as my leg caught on something and I stumbled, cursing.


"Too soon, it seemed" could stand on it's own. "As" can be replaced with a period.

triumphant shouts calling the rest of the hunt on. I sprinted on,


You've used "on" twice in four words. That's a bit much.

Crying out, I wrenched my eyes away even as it exploded, launching the man into the others.


This sentence is a tad awkward. It's doing too much.

I worried myself ever deeper into the bowels of the City, just another rat among millions.


"Worried" seems like an odd word to use.

It was all I could do not to choke on it, but I needed every dirty breath to push on.


What was all he could do?

as soon as I strode that path they would blaze such a path into the heavens that even the blind would see.


"Path" shows up twice in one sentence.

I remembered each of the several explosions already,


We've only seen two explosions, and there wasn't much emphesis on them. I'd delete "each of."

They were herding me into a corner I realised, thinking the Wall to be a dead end.


Who was thinking the Wall to be a dead end?

As my eyes travelled once more along the street, noting the space between each of the columns of light and lastly between the final pair and the Wall, a plan began to formulate.


That's a lot between interupter commas. It makes the sentence awkward.

the idea itself was crazy


"Itself" doesn't really fit with the tone of the sentence. I'd delete it.

“Fine, you want to follow me?” I whispered, a gruesome smile twisting my lips. “Reap the rewards.”


Who is he talking too? Will we find out later?

Slowly, the noose tightened still further yet; the victim had changed but the result would be the same.


I think this line is back to third person.

It would all be for naught I knew as I ran toward the wall.


It feels like punctuation is missing from this line

Overall I loved this. After paragraph one I had to read it, but I must say I had to read it over a couple of times to understand everything. The sentences are really complex, the vocabulary is amazing and it's full of metaphors. That's not a bad thing, but in some places it is hard to read.

One thing that's lacking overall: we don't get much of the character's impressions on anything. The intro is good enough that you don't need it, but I hope we'll get some background on this. It's left me with a lot of questions that I hope chapter 2 will answer!
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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I kept imagining you going through a cluttered city of cardboard boxes. Overall it was pretty well put together, and the last person above me pointed out minor to extreme examples of some flaws that brought down an interesting story.

Keep up the work!
A story's not a story till you've made it up you see.
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Heya,

Thanks for taking the time to comment. Tis appreciated. I don't know though, whether I'll keep going with this - a new, random version of an older story I've been working on for some time now - I wrote this at 3AM just because I felt like it.

Thanks again,
Cheers
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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Did I neglect to mention how hard I had to look for things to critique? It was only on the second read I managed to find any.

Please keep going. I am very curious as to how this will turn out.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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Jiggity -

A thorough, solid introduction. Not as captivating or interesting a topic as Stars, but, as always, you managed to take a cliched scene and make it your own...for the most part anyway.

[wands and crystals and magic, oh boy!]

So. This is a chase scene. Some kid is trying to escape the tyrrany of a fantastic, dark government to the mysterious world outside its heavy granite walls. I'd look at that and say with a resounding, authoritative voice that it's been done before. I keep reading though. Because you're Jiggity and Jiggity can squeeze genius out of a cliche topic like water out of a stone. But then I see crystals. And wands. And surly guards. And then 'mortal scum' and I'm reminded of some kind of bad fantasy novel. I dunno. You wrote it well, but the topic is just boring. It's been done a million times before. It's like a weird cross between Harry Potter and the drivel that hangs around the Fantasy Forum here...except Jiggity style. You know what I mean?

Unless you have something really revolutionary up your sleeve, something that'll happen quick, I would drop this piece. Probably, it was fun to write. Maybe it was an exercise. But I just don't see much room for uniqueness.

Buildings loomed out of the darkness, leering grotesquely as I swerved amongst them.


Loomed and leered. Two very similar words. At least, they conjure up similar images. Consider cutting and/or replacing.

enemies..


double punctuation.

-Kylan
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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Haha --

Hola, Kylan! It was more an experiment than anything else; I was tinkering with the notion of doing something different with an older piece --- the wands and crystals spontaneously made their way into it. They have no place in the older, more original piece of work which I will be continuing.

The reason I did this was to see how the themes and setting play out through a first person perspective. I didn't just want to rewrite what I'd already done though, replacing the 'he's' with the 'I's - a dramatic shift in the storytelling device needs a dramatic shift in style and content and as such, I came up with this.

I'm in agreement with you, though. XD

Cheers
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko



she slept with wolves without fear, for the wolves knew there was a lion among them.
— r.m. drake