Helpless?

5 posts
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CrisCaraway
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 15
Tue Dec 09, 2008 7:55 pm
CrisCaraway says... · Tue Dec 09, 2008 7:55 pm
Some people call her special,
Some people call her names.
Some kids poke fun and laugh at her,
and exclude her from their games.

So many operations,
Have left her in such pain.
They gave her a new tablet,
so now she forgets my name.

She paints the saddest pictures,
of things I do not know.
She hides herself from mirrors,
and her appearance she hates to show.

I think her tears are finished,
I think her hope is gone,
She doesn't want more treatment
she'd hate to live life on.
The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid, and deeds left undone.
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anti-pop
Gender None specified
Points 1781
Reviews 143
Tue Dec 09, 2008 8:36 pm
anti-pop says... · Tue Dec 09, 2008 8:36 pm
CrisCaraway wrote:Some people call her special,
Some people call her names.
Some kids poke fun and laugh at her,
And exclude her from their games.
(This stanza was rather bland...and very cliche. Try adding a more unique element in your writing)

So many operations,
Have left her in such pain.
They gave her a new tablet,
So now she forgets my name.
(This stanza was much better. The tone is much more sorrowful than the first and more original!)

She paints the saddest pictures,
Of things I do not know.
She hides herself from mirrors,
And her appearance she hates to show.
(Last line was a little strange. The wording was a little different, but I see what you mean)

I think her tears are finished,
I think her hope is gone,
She doesn't want more treatment
She'd hate to live life on.
(I felt you could've ended this with much more emotion. This piece was too sorrowful to just state: 'She'd hate to live life on'. Ok, so why would she hate to live on? You have told us about how she acts, but not what she thinks and feels, necessarily. How does this girl feel about continuing to live each and every day in pain and sadness? How does she react to the pain of her operations? What caused her tears to stop? Try thinking about questions similar to those when writing. Your audience will appreciate it!)


I think this has potential to be a really nice piece. But for now, good work! Keep it up :)


*anti-pop
...Bitter cold, it grows
changing holds
cynicism the new norm...
-Libretto
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Snoink
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Points 9692
Reviews 3900
Wed Dec 10, 2008 2:02 am
Snoink says... · Wed Dec 10, 2008 2:02 am
Okay... this might be bizarre, but the coolest image here, the one that made me go, "WOW!" (it takes a lot for me to say that, trust me,) is this one here:

They gave her a new tablet,
so now she forgets my name.

This idea, this picture, this image that you've created is so startling in its implications that it just sort of floored me. The rest was boring. So! I would totally expand on this image when you redo this poem. That way, it'll become totally awesome. :)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
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nightmarebook13
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 30
Wed Dec 10, 2008 10:47 pm
nightmarebook13 says... · Wed Dec 10, 2008 10:47 pm
Hey,

I really liked the image of the person you were going for. You "painted" the picture very well. As previously stated, watch the capitalization. I'm going to suggest the same thing I just did on previous work, use more colorful adjectives. Not only does it make it appeal more to the reader but it also brings more to the image your are trying to create.

[:

nightmare
"Don't be afarid of the darkness, for when it's dark you can see the stars." - Marching Band Family 2008.
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Arcticus
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Gender Male
Points 194
Reviews 155
Thu Dec 11, 2008 5:50 am
Arcticus says... · Thu Dec 11, 2008 5:50 am
CrisCaraway wrote:Some people call her special,
Some people call her names.
Some kids poke fun and laugh at her,
and exclude her from their games.
(The message is conveyed,, but I dont think that this stanza has any effect on the reader)

So many operations,
Have left her in such pain.
They gave her a new tablet,
so now she forgets my name.

(Much Better, but how are you related to her?)

She paints the saddest pictures,
of things I do not know.
She hides herself from mirrors,
and her appearance she hates to show.
(The mirror part is very good and has been perfectly conveyed by you)

I think her tears are finished,
I think her hope is gone,
She doesn't want more treatment
she'd hate to live life on.

(An overall good poem)

[b]
You either worship something higher than yourself or end up worshiping yourself

Naturally Tipsy ©
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5 posts


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— Rod Serling