Retaliation

I had to write a ghost story for school. I'm not positive what to name it.


It was a cold, fall day in the City of Williamsburg when twenty-year-old April Walker wrote a letter to her beloved husband, Jonathan Walker. The Revolutionary War was still raging on, and Jonathan was one of the brave men fighting for independence. April missed Jonathan greatly, and was quite lonely without him.
“My dear Jonathan,” her letters always started. “Nothing is the same here. It is fall, but the leaves do not change to the beautiful reds and oranges. It is as if everything died when you left. The birds do not sing quite the same, the children cry louder, even the cows seem distraught. I cannot wait for this dreadful war to end.”
Jonathan loved April equally, and would write April as many times as he could. He had quite a poetic voice, which was greatly expressed in his letters. April usually received about 4 letters from him per week.
However, the month of November proved to be quite different. In the second week, she received no letters. April was in a very optimistic state, and just thought that, possibly, he was only sick. If so, he would soon be fine. She believed this to be positivity, while everyone else knew that, truly, she was in denial.
As the third week of November came, no letters did. Same with the fourth. The news took a month to travel- the news that Jonathan had been killed.
He had apparently been killed by a Hessian, or German soldier, in the middle of the night. He died outside of Trenton, New Jersey, on October 31.
April became overwrought. She almost didn’t believe the news. It didn’t sink in until Christmastime, when she started showing signs of insanity. She picked up odd habits, such as occasionally taking one step backward as she walked, and punching trees after stating that they looked like German soldiers. She had many nightmares.
One night, April felt compelled to act on her hatred for anyone who kept their loyalty toward England. She heard news of a British camp nearby, and devised a plan.
She would enter the camp. Being in her insane state, she didn’t realize that there would be guards walking around the perimeter, trying to keep people such as herself out of the camp. She ran into the camp, and then heard a man’s voice.
“Halt!” the man screamed, “Drop your weapon!”
April didn’t listen to the man, but kept rushing to the barracks, determined to avenge her husband’s death. As she came closer to the barracks, shots were fired.
The Loyalists had killed April.
The legend has it that April still roams Colonial Williamsburg at night, in search of anyone with Loyalist tendencies. She suspects many tourists of having these beliefs, and she is determined to make them pay.

Madam - *tips hat*

I think you're the only one - besides me - that has wrote any type of story that pretained to the Rev. War. Kudos!!

Well, I hope you haven't handed in the story just yet because there are some historic errors. In addition, the story was rather flat and dull because you rushed the it too much. We, as the reader, do not know these two characters at all, and then her husband is shot? Slow down and take your time with description. What is going through April's mind? How is she coping? Perhaps she knits or churns butter to pre-occupy herself? Show us.

And by showing us, I mean do not tell the reader every detail, which unfortunately you did quite a bit and throughout the majority of the story. Info-dumping will seriously drag out any story and bore the reader to death. If this had not been such a short story, I doubt even I would have finished it - and that certaintly says a lot since I love the 18th Century like no other period.

As for trying to use the current plot; wife has husband in war, husband is shot and killed (kind of dull don't you think? I means it's very cliche) and incorperate it into a "ghost story," I'm afraid you didn't quite succeed yet. I mean the way the story ended; it just came out of no where. April is killed too, and BAM! There's supposed to be a ghostie wandering Williams burg? Again, take your time with description, adding in details, maybe even giving the reader a backstory on her husband - why did he enter the war? And don't jump to independace because many of the men joined the Militia and Continentals for various reasons, and "freedom" had no bearing on their mind. Some of the men only joined to end land dissputes and actually a fair majority enlisted for wages - they wanted to be paid and sought the war as a means to earn extra funds. Because of the selfish personas of these select groups, there were quite a few deserters as well; a crime that is punishable and devised by an Officer in command of their Unit.

So aside from those minor nitpicks, I'm currently working on a critique now on Word, so expect a fairly in depth editing jobber. While I'm editing, Google, "Colonial Wlliamsburg." They have an excellent Site, chock full of information and tiny tid bits of fun facts. I've litterally spent hours browsing their many articles.

Cheers!



What can I say? I like my Regimental and I am rather fond of using photos in my critiques. This is my uniform in the British Army. My Unit is the Light Infantry Company - 29th Regiment. I included the picture of me to show you what might a British Private (my rank) might have worn and were equipped with since you mentioned April wandered into a British encampment. Maybe the photo will help get the imagination juices flowing? I think in my critique too - why not - I'll use this same photo and list what I'm wearing and what its purpose was 250+ years ago, as well what nifty stuff I was carrying around in my haversack, hehe.

So at this point, if you have any questions, feel free to PM me. I might have bombarded you with too much information but ask away anyway.

Here's the little diagram/chart. When I field - go into battle - is what I wear. I briefly described a few things I'm wearing as well as the thickness of clothing I'm wearing too. Just wanted to throw up this chart for you to have a look at - your teacher too if they would like as well - while I finished up your critique.

Cheers!

City of Williamsburg

“City” does not need to be capitalized.

The Revolutionary War was still raging on,

How long has the war been “going on” in your story?

April missed Jonathan greatly, and was quite lonely without him.

Info-dump. Show us how she misses Johnny Boy. You say “greatly” but how? And how is she lonely? Does she wander the corridors of your home? Is she poor or does she live on a plantation with Negros? You never described how she lived. Maybe if you describe your house; it is a wide and specious, three-story home or is it a mediocre log house? Maybe in her lonesome state, she reads, since in an era when the populace was illiterate, April was fortunate to be taught how to write. Perhaps she congregates in town and partakes in politics, possibly discussing how the Continental Congress is getting on with their affairs concerning the soldiers and their wellbeing? A little research and you shall be rewarded.

It is fall, but the leaves do not change to the beautiful reds and oranges. It is as if everything died when you left. The birds do not sing quite the same, the children cry louder, even the cows seem distraught.

Gag! Pa-leez…

Everything died when he left? C’mon… Let us try and be a bit more imaginative than that! Obviously, April is depressed but what is truly going through that shell of a head of hers? Show us!

I cannot wait for this dreadful war to end.”

Why is it dreadful to her? What events specifically have impacted her so acutely? Did a Brit make himself at home inside her house? Did the Artillery trample straight through her garden by dragging their cannon? Perhaps, April has reached word that indeed the Congress has not done everything in their power to supply Washington’s men with a quantity of food, uniforms, firearms and powder to meet the needs of their soldiers. In fact, it has been documented that Washington’s soldiers – later in the war – circa 1777-to about the end – were literally starving, which is why munity later came into effect. It was not unheard of to see the Rebel Army (sorry, I’m British); they wrapped up layers of blankets around their private area and tried to keep mostly their chest and bottom warm also, which left their legs and feet exposed. For this, Valley Forge is a great example of how poor Washington’s men were equipped. Even on the march in the snow, those who had no shoes or even the simple pleasure of wool socks, the men might have wrapped their legs in heavy wool and tied it off with cotton strips or a heavier grade of wool for minor protection. Same goes for the feet but not all of them had even that luxury. Quite a few of Washington’s men when on the march were prone to frostbit and especially during Valley Forge, men froze either to death at night when the temps plumaged or suffered terrible from “camp fever.”

April, a women of the 18th Century and living in the South; she must be aware of all the said information, please research and set loose your imagination. Suck your reader into your world and show them the hardships the people faced.

April usually received about 4 letters from him per week.

The said statement is historically inaccurate. I apologize but you will have to edit. The Post in the 18th Century was outstandingly slow and especially with the magnitude of the war going on. On average, a person was to receive one letter monthly. By sheer good fortune would they receive two letters a month.

The news took a month to travel- the news that Jonathan had been killed.

A month? During a battle? No… Try several months, quite possibly as long as six or maybe even a year. It’s War! Soldiers and especially their Commanders have more important measures to address than the identity of a measly, lowly, Private! It’s not documented but logical.

Actually, if you were not a NCO or a Comm. Officer, and you were killed, your body was left on the field to rot. You weren’t – in battle – important enough to receive a proper burial. This is not to say that no Private was buried or the body was never returned to their homeland but it DID happen and frequently. I know for certain because I’ve seen the headstones and have quite a few documented In my collection of photos. Many, so many, soldiers were buried in unmarked graves, and still they rest today. I find the odd headstone every so often that might have said:

Here it Be, 23 Buried
There Names Unknown
All Soldiers of Rev. War

Here is a real memorial from the Saratoga Battlefield:

She believed this to be positivity, while everyone else knew that, truly, she was in denial.

Who is “everyone else?” April’s family? Neighbors? Explain please.

He had apparently been killed by a Hessian, or German soldier, in the middle of the night. He died outside of Trenton, New Jersey, on October 31.

Historically inaccurate. The Battle of Trenton was Dec. 26th, 1776. Besides, you say were in the month of November and admit that she gets letters frequently. How is October relevant, much less the 31st? I don’t understand. If indeed Jonathon was killed in the Battle of Trenton, at least now we have some indication the year your setting takes place for the Rev. War. Unfortunately, you negate to give us clues at the beginning of your story. Trenton sort of was just dropped in our laps for the sake of it. I suggest when editing, to try and show us that your setting takes place in not only in Williamsburg but also in the year of 1776. Not every person is “in tune” with history so you, as the writer, will have to throw a bone to them once in a while to keep them happy.

Plus, unless someone asks, I don’t believe you need to include “German soldier.” I’d like to think the majority of people will know what a Hessian mercenary was and their purpose in the British Army.

April became overwrought.

Info-dump.

It didn’t sink in until Christmastime,

Which is a day after the Battle of Trenton. Research, it’s a must with Historic Fiction.

when she started showing signs of insanity

“Insanity’ by its very core was frowned upon considerably in the 18th Century. “A raving cow” or “loonie.” Just so you know, those who were unfortunate to be declared insane were locked up in a home, basically a prison more or less. Some might have actually been sent to the Stocks. So, it’s illogical that if the people around April were aware of her “insane” state of mind; they certainly would not allow her to roam freely in society. It was sociably unacceptable, and most definitely the public would scorn and possibly spit in her presence.

such as occasionally taking one step backward as she walked, and punching trees after stating that they looked like German soldiers. She had many nightmares.

I’m very sorry but I laughed, especially when April punched a tree! I mean, really? Don’t you think she might ought have felt a smidge of pain from connecting to bark, much less solid wood to have her at least yelp?? And the walking backwards bit?? Think logically. Both examples are so farfetched and the fact that I laughed – not a good sign. Babbling incoherently or staring wide-eyed at a single object or extended amounts of time, maybe. At least those two examples are more realistic.

She would enter the camp. Being in her insane state, she didn’t realize that there would be guards walking around the perimeter, trying to keep people such as herself out of the camp. She ran into the camp, and then heard a man’s voice.

Whole sentence is an info-dump. *yawn*

Show us. Show us through description.

“Halt!” the man screamed, “Drop your weapon!”

Two things here. One, when did April ever have a weapon of sorts? You never mentioned such a detail. Second, what? Does your Brit have a girly-man voice and thus he screamed in this high-pitched voice?

Instead of, “screamed,” try bellowed or yelled. Even hollered would suffice.

The Loyalists had killed April.

I think you were a little confused. A Loyalist or Tory were just that; subjects still loyal to His Majesty, King George The Third. But you said she entered a BRITISH encampment – not a Loyalist. April would have been shot by volley of His Majesty’s men – unless of course there was indeed a Loyalist Company in the Battalion (a battalion has more than one regiment of a similar Unit) of this unknown British Regiment but you don’t say so?

The legend has it that April still roams Colonial Williamsburg at night, in search of anyone with Loyalist tendencies. She suspects many tourists of having these beliefs, and she is determined to make them pay.

This whole sentence needs to be revamped, edited. It’s so short and well – boring? Apologies for being brash but it’s true. I sense you have indeed a great imagination on your shoulders. In fact, you must if you’re a writer. Now would be the time to unleash it and see where it leads you. A few lines simple does not do this story and justice at all. Think of all that you have created.

*April is in turmoil over the absence of her husband.

*Husband is a soldier of war

*Husband’s letters do not arrive as frequently

*Husband is killed in battle by a Hessian

*April is shocked

*April falls into deliria or as you put it, insanity

*April devises a plan and marches into the Enemy Line

*April is killed

Her “spirit” is in turmoil and her very being is corrupt. How would a corrupt spirit operate?

Hope you found this critique useful.

I bid you a farewell, Madam.

I liked this a lot.

It was too short, you should put more work into it and give it a proper ending, try and change the weather, or say something a bit creepier at the ending to make it feel like a proper ghost-story which will send chills down my spine as i read it. Other than this i liked this piece, well done




I hopeto read more of your stories in the future:)

fArewell