The mourning Moon.

Tell the Moon to dry her tears,
which seem to linger in the sky.
They’ve stood there for too long,
such sorrow one can’t deny.

For she’s a wretch who’s full of grief,
her writhing churns the sea.
Helpless mortals stray too close;
beaches lined with their debris.

The reason for her anguish,
the cross that she must bear.
Is the light of her life,
a star most debonair.

He’s away from her so much,
fleeing from her side.
Her fleeting chance of union,
comes when their paths collide.

So now you know the story,
the theme of course is clear.
That even the eternal Moon,
mourns for her love so dear.

I just got done reviewing a poem saying that it needed more punctuation, but I feel this poem needs less of it.

The reason for her anguish, the cross that she must bear.

I'm pretty sure these are two dependent clauses, and therefore need an independent clause to make sense.

Is the light of her life, a star most debonair.

Again, same as above.

Can anyone else shed some light on how else I might improve this poem? I'd really appreciate the advice.

Love
Kris
x

Hi kris! I'm just going to go through and comment really quickly on your poem, seeing as nobody else seems to want to do it...


Tell the Moon to dry her tears,

which seem to linger in the sky. <-- These first two lines are pretty awesome! To make it more powerful, get rid of "seem to." Those are just filler words.

They’ve stood there for too long,

such sorrow one can’t deny. <-- Delete these two lines, they add nothing except for the rhyme, but they aren't poetry.



For she’s a wretch who’s full of grief,

her writhing churns the sea. <-- I like this line because it makes the science geek inside me happy. The moon is the thing that causes the tides, no?

Helpless mortals stray too close;

beaches lined with their debris. <-- These two lines, once again, are not very powerful and really do nothing except rhyme.



The reason for her anguish,

the cross that she must bear.

Is the light of her life,

a star most debonair. <-- This seems to rhyme for the sake of rhyming, and there's no real emotional connection between the reader and the poem, so I would probably get rid of this.


He’s away from her so much,

fleeing from her side.

Her fleeting chance of union,

comes when their paths collide. <-- This doesn't... hold the truth, if that make sense. It seems to be so dry that it's seems more scientific than anything, and that's probably a bad thing. But there is no emotional truth.



So now you know the story,

the theme of course is clear.

That even the eternal Moon,

mourns for her love so dear. <-- This stanza is too preachy and I would get rid of it entirely. Instead of ending it with a cliched moral of the story, you should make your ending about the moon and the sun never quite meeting each other more powerful.

So basically, this poem lacks emotional connection with the reader and doesn't clearly talk about the anguish the moon has for the sun and vice versa. And this is horribly sad because your poem sort of parallels Japanese mythology, and you could totally bring in imagery of cherry blossoms and...

Well, I'll show you.

Read this story.

For this story, I did this review.

Look how extensive and lovely it is! This should be the sort of review you're aiming for, especially since you're a poet. Instead coming up with clumsy rhymes, aim for beauty that is not only lovely to behold but deep as well. Don't settle with dry wood when you can make a forest, no?

Hope this helps! As always, if you have any questions, I'm a PM away.

I like this, because of the fact that I like a lot of poetry I read here nowadays

I'm not going to go through it line for line, I don't like people doing that, general comments work as advice better than the 'fine-tooth-comb' job.

Bad stuff first then. I didn't like the lay out of the poem- the uniform structure of the lines. I like poems that tell their story through layout and emphasis as well as words. Your poem has a good story to tell, but because of the way you've laid it out, there's no room to stop and think- it reads like an essay. Try seperating just a key line or key word in future- it'll give your poetry a whole new depth.

It could flow a little better as well, but basically I enjoyed this. I loved the way you humanised the moon, gave it (her?) a story and backstory and everything else. Very cool- keep it up.

Wow, that's really beautiful. I'm guessing it's not really about the moon? Like the moon is symbolic of some lost love? Or is that just my own sappiness? Probably.

Anyway, it's a good poem, but a little hasty at times. Kind of like you just wrote it on a whim.

I felt like the poem started out really great. It caught my attention and the title really stood out and made me think about what it could possibly be about, yet, it had a hint of romance in it.

However, the punctuation makes it a little cluttered, and almost doesnt need to be there.

The poem ended a little weak, with the last few versus, but I really like the idea you have in the picture

The line mentioning tears in the sky was really powerful, I really liked it
Anywho, great idea!