Weed or Acid

Give me weed
Pound or two
Take out all the seeds and sticks
So my head won’t transfix
With twisting and twirling
And whirling
I smoke the most
On April fourth
From 2 to 4
Smoke till I pass out
The blood spout
Has now stopped without doubt
And that’s the rap on weed don’t shout

A little white pill
Is enough to kill
Enough to send you to another world
My brain ones again twirled
The floor turns into water
The walls turn into slaughter
I see lizards crawling on my arm
Pick up a knife and stab myself ones or twice
Just don’t realize that this is all in my mind
Ten dollars for one pill
Most of the time u chill
It lasts twelve hours
You feel like connoisseur

These poems were good. Some of the rhymes felt forced like with hours and connoisseur and the end and there wasn't really a rhyme scheme there were just some rhymes in some places which i thought was odd. But i do that too sometime, it just makes it a little awkward to read.
I was surprised the day you smoked the most was April 4th, because National "Get High" Day is April 20th. You know, 420. But I enjoyed reading them!
keep writing!

These poems are very good.. I enjoyed them. There were a few parts that I must point out though.

Firstly, if you rhyme two lines, then keep up the rhyme scheme.... You must have consistently in your poetry.. especially in lyric poetry..

The first poem, the Weed poem was very very good. There is one thing that bugs me. Never put dates in poetry. It just ruins the fluency, and takes away the timeless air that most poetry has.
Also, you rhymes seemed a little forced.. You must fix that.

For the second poem, there were a few mistakes.

Pick up a knife and stab myself ones or twice

You spelt 'once' wrong

Most of the time u chill

Pleaase no chat speak! Its 'you'...


Also, for both poems, you capitalized every letter to the beginning to all of the lines. If you do that, it will make it harder for your readers to read..


I hope I helped you! And I apologize if i seemed a little harsh..

1993vlad@gmail.com wrote:Give me weed
Pound or two
Take out all the seeds and sticks
So my head won’t transfix
With twisting and twirling
And whirling
I smoke the most
On April fourth
From 2 to 4
Smoke till I pass out
The blood spout
Has now stopped without doubt
And that’s the rap on weed don’t shout

A little white pill
Is enough to kill
Enough to send you to another world
My brain ones again twirled
The floor turns into water
The walls turn into slaughter
I see lizards crawling on my arm
Pick up a knife and stab myself ones or twice
Just don’t realize that this is all in my mind
Ten dollars for one pill
Most of the time u chill
It lasts twelve hours
You feel like connoisseur

Hmm. Very interesting. I like the point.It would make a good "Say no to drugs" slogan/rap.

But, punctuation is nice and it would be good in this. So that you know where you want to stop and pause and etc. Yeah people say that poetry doesn't need punctuation but as a reader I think that it does and that is makes it alot easier to read.

Why does taking drugs make you feel like a connoisseur? A connoisseur is a an expert judge in matters of taste. Ummm? Was that just a random word?

Keep the rhythm going. Especially at the end where you want to make the most impact on the reader. All except the very last line was good.

I really don't get what you mean by connoisseur.

1993vlad@gmail.com wrote:Give me weed
Pound or two
Take out all the seeds and sticks
So my head won’t transfix
With twisting and twirling
And whirling
I smoke the most
On April fourth
From 2 to 4
Smoke till I pass out
The blood spout
Has now stopped without doubt
And that’s the rap on weed don’t shout

A little white pill
Is enough to kill
Enough to send you to another world
My brain ones again twirled
The floor turns into water
The walls turn into slaughter
I see lizards crawling on my arm
Pick up a knife and stab myself ones or twice
Just don’t realize that this is all in my mind
Ten dollars for one pill
Most of the time u chill
It lasts twelve hours
You feel like connoisseur

wow.
this was actually pretty good,.
irecentally had a friend get arrested for weed..
he was doing acid and weed so that kind of made me wanna open it
ive never done drugs but ive heard about it...
i actually liked the part

I see lizards crawling on my arm
Pick up a knife and stab myself ones or twice
Just don’t realize that this is all in my mind

my friend told me when he did acid he saw alot werid things...
i guess he wasn't lying
i was surprsied i liked it
but it actually interested me
good work

1993vlad@gmail.com wrote:Give me weed
Pound or two
Take out all the seeds and sticks
So my head won’t transfix
With twisting and twirling
And whirling
I smoke the most
On April fourth
From 2 to 4
Smoke till I pass out
The blood spout
Has now stopped without doubt
And that’s the rap on weed don’t shout

A little white pill
Is enough to kill
Enough to send you to another world
My brain ones again twirled
The floor turns into water
The walls turn into slaughter
I see lizards crawling on my arm
Pick up a knife and stab myself ones or twice
Just don’t realize that this is all in my mind
Ten dollars for one pill
Most of the time u chill
It lasts twelve hours
You feel like connoisseur

I was quite suprised that for a poem about weed that makes you mellow and free-feeling, your first stanza is very structured and the meter is strong, and not as fluent as I expected. I don't know if that was intentional or just how it turned out for you while writing, but maybe something to look at.

And that’s the rap on weed don’t shout

This line is a little cheesy to be honest. Why are you telling the reader not to shout? It seems like you're a little too preoccupied with the rhyme, not everything has to rhyme and it may be more interesting if you didn't make it rhyme and stick to classic poem structure, as it's not a classic poetic theme.

The lyrics are really strong and interesting though, good job, just one question:

Ten dollars for one pill

Where do u live? Haha! In England the standard price is £2 for one pill! Just saying

That was pretty coolio but most of the rhyming was forced, when I was reading your poem I under stood that you were telling drugs are bad but in some parts i didn't understand what you ment.

Still not bad keep writing!

Where do u live? Haha! In England the standard price is £2 for one pill! Just saying

No he is not British he is from Tennessee, Nashville .

Just to clarify, when I said 'where do you live?' it was rhetorical, I was aware he was from the US. I just meant that the price he stated seemed quite expensive, so either they up the prices a lot there, or he should edit the piece accordingly to make it more realistic.