infinite forever

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this is my first posting, so feel free to comment!
---
Breathing wasn’t an option. Neither was concentration. I couldn’t move any part of my body. The gorgeous stranger stalked me, walking in circles around me. He looked me up and down, his green eyes suddenly turning bue. I let out a gasp, wanting so much to run away. He stopped behind me and put his hands on my shoulders. He leaned down, his lips brushing my ear and said; “what are you doing in this part of town?’’
His hands started a slow descent down my arms. His hands caught my waist as I fell backwards, no longer paralyzed. I was greatful for his powerful arms because there was no way in hell that I could stand up on my own.
“I was just passing through.” I mumbled, hoping he would by the lie.
No such luck.
He started to turn me towards him, but I jerked away from him before he could complete the turn. I looked at him, seeing nothing but his still clear blue eyes. He growled depply.
“Why are you afraid of me, little one?” He asked.
I gulped, wondering why he had called me that; wondering why he had to ask.
“Well, for one, there’s the whole body paralyzing thing.” I replied.
As his glare met mine, I felt an invisible tug on my chest, on my heart. My instincts screamed at me to run away, to yell. But my heart told me that I had nothing to fear, not in this mans arms.
He walked steadly towards me, leaving me up against the wall with nowhere to go, and no way to get out. He put his hands on either side of my face, leaning up against me.
As his body touched mine, it took all of my self control to keep from putting my hand on his biceps, and bring his lips to mine.
“Sorry I had to do that, but I needed you to stay right where you were. You intrest me very much little one.” He said, leaning in closer, putting his cheek against mine.
All of a sudden, he let out a painful yelp, and dissappeared into thin air.
~ ~ ~
I walked home in a stupor. Visions of the stranger haunted my memory, flashig behind my eye lids. The most mind-boggling of all was the “dissappearing” act. He just poofed! Right into thin air. And of corse the body paralyzing thing. What was he? Cause if my memory serves right, humans aren’t susposed to be able to do that. It’s not like I’m going to see him ever again, right? No need to worry. Maybe I just imagined it. As I approched my door, I got an uneasy feeling, like I was being watched or something. I ignored it and took my keys out of my pocket. A soft wind fell, causing me to shiver.
“Are you cold?” A male voice asked behind me.
I froze, not able to ever forget that voice. I spun around to face my stranger from the alley.
“What the hell are you doing here?” All the hostility coming ot in my voice.
He ignored my question.
“sorry I dissapeared like that. I had something to take care of.” He said, smiling.
Before I knew what was happening, he grabbed my key, unlocekd the door, and had us both inside before I could blink an eye. He locked the door back and handed me the keys, putting his hands behind his back, calm and relaxed.
I just stared at him. He smiled.
“there are a few things we need to discuss.” He held out his hand. I raised my eyebrow, and crossed my arms.
“yeah, we do, but I’m not going anywhere with you. You can start by telling me your name and what you are, exactly. And don’t lie to me.”
He put his hand back behind his back and noded his head.
“My name is zane, and I’m a vampire.”
So blunt, was he. I staggered back alittle, and he was behind me in a second.
“um…..” I was speechless. I had always heard of vampires, but never expected to met one, especially one that made me catch my breath every minute I looked at hm. He had us both on the couch in a second, me mostly in his lap.
“I know everything about you.” He said, tucking my head into the crook of his neck.
“Born in England, both parents American. Then moved to America when you were three years old. Full name is Colbi Michelle Williams. And I was sent here to protect you.”
I really didn’t know what to say. The vampire thing didn’t really bug me that much. Me needing protection did.
“what do I need to be protected from, exactly?” I raised my head up to look into his eyes. It all felt so natural, me practicly in his lap, him being here period, really.
“well, since you seem to be comfortable with the super-natural thing,” he smiled, “I’ll try to fill you in the best I can. You come from a long line of very powerful women. They ruled our land for a very long time, until they were all murdered. One of them, however, had a baby.” He squeezed his hold on me. “it took me a hundred years to track you down, although no one cared to tell me you weren’t born yet.” He smiled. “I should say, it was worth the wait. The person that murdered your kind has not been caught yet. I was sent here to protect you from him. I am your full-fleged gardian angel.”
He sounded pleased, and , quite frankly, so was I. I just stared at him, not knowing what to say. Did I have powers? If I do, how can I help them along? Was I going to survive? So many questions I wanted to ask, but not now.
“um….ok then.” I tried to smile. “ do you want something to eat, or…. Never mind. Just tell me if you want anything.”
I got up and walked to the stairs, needing a shower. Before I got to the fifth step, he was in front of me, his hands on my shoulders.
“what!? You’re not upset? Or even curious? You don’t want to run away and scream bloody murder?” He seemed shocked, really.
“actually, I’m very curious, but right now, I need a shower more than anything. First, you ‘paralyze’ me in the alley. Then you come here, and tell me that you’re my savior, or something? And that’s not even the good part.” I let that settle in as he dropped his hands.
“I believe you, everything you just told me, absoulty everything. Not that the teeth weren’t a dead give-away, but I could tell it in your eyes.” I placed my hang against his surprisingly warm cheek.
“I feel comfortable with you here, so I’m going to take a shower. Will you wait here for me? I’ll only take a few minutes.” He noded his head, and leaned his cheek into my palm, his eyes burning into mine. He took my hand and brought it to his lips.
“I’ll wait here for you for as long as you’ll have me.” He kissed my palm, and dissappeared again, leaving me speechless.
~ ~ ~
The shower helped to clear my head, a little. I really didn’t know what to think. I have my own vampire body guard, not to mention he was downstairs, right now. I stepped out of the shower, grabbed my towel, and headed towards my room, hoping he wouldn’t catch me. I made it in time and quickly changed into my favorite sweats and tank-top. I brushed my teeth and, in too much of a hurry, I headed downstairs. He was standing near the fire place, looking at my 5ht grade ballett photo. As I came up behind him, he turned around, with a fierceness in his eyes that I couldn’t begin to explain.




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Hi there, dear! Welcome to YWS! I'm Teague, a Fiction Junior Moderator here, or JM for short. ^^

Please please please do not post your work in all-caps. It's very annoying. I've performed a little modly magic and corrected it all for you, but in the future, please be sure that you're using normal sentence case when you're posting work. [Sentence case is exactly what I'm typing right now -- caps only on proper nouns, sentence beginnings, abbreviations, and I.]

Also, here on YWS we have a rule that you must do 2 critiques for every 1 piece of work you post. Please be sure to go out and review 2 other works. Not only does this help others, but it helps you by putting your name out there. Many people will return the favour. ;)

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I was going to comment of your horrid capitalization, but reading Teague's post I think I know why that was now. You really could use spell check more though, there were a couple of really obvious words that were spelled wrong, like by in the third paragraph. The begining needs some work, it's rather confusing, but for vampire fiction, which I never read, I think it's good. The vampire being a gaurdian angel threw me off a bit though. Remeber to reveiw other peoples work first, and welcome to the site!
Ready and willing to rip your work to shreds! (That is if you want it) Check out my "will review for food" thread.

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Alright! I'm not one much for nitpicking, and especially not when the actual work needs help. In your case, it really does.

Now, don't get me wrong -- not all vamp fic is bad, but when all you have to get off with is Stephenie Meyers and Edward Cullen, you might just want to throw it out right there. Not for certain, though. Only if you're insistent on keeping it cliche does it really get tricky. Just let me make some sense now, d'okay? xD

OMG VAMPIRES

Let's start at the beginning, yes?

First, ending up in a bad part of town where a vampire finds you is just painful. Naturally, that's what we're all used to, but how boring does it get when everyone uses it? Why can't you meet a vampire in a candy store, or at Disneyland? Why do they always have to be in dark alleyways with paralyzed 'little one's? (By the way? Please don't make him call her 'little one'. It's exceedingly hard on the eyes).

Also, when you move this fast, I feel like I'm flipping hurriedly through a boring book. In one chapter, he's met her, scared and paralyzed her, disappeared, she's gone home, he's reappeared, and explained her whole family history, while also dropping the V-bomb (telling her he's a vamp) without any sort of realistic response from the main character. Imagine yourself in a situation like that - would you wave away the fact that he's a bloodsucking demon for the sake of having more room to stare at and admire his bright blue eyes? I sincerely hope not. x-x

Wait -- now he's her 'guardian angel'? I thought vampires killed people, drank their blood, and were ruthless predators. I smell a Stephenie Meyers conformist! Aaaagh!

For people like me, even hearing about another Twilight knock-off with vampires who are sweet, cuddly creatures makes us shudder with distaste. I, myself, have written a vampire story (some of which is on here; Sourblood by name) but I like to think it does not so closely cling to Mrs. Meyers.

Anyhow, here's some good tips to steer away from a-million-times-written stuff and get a little more original.

Read!

Yes, yes. Read books that aren't centered around hot 'immortals' making out with each other. I swear, it'll do wonders for your writing mind.

Practice!

Sounds mundane, right? WRONG. Eheheh. Practicing is like exercising - without it, you won't last all that long. xD Keep writing, writing, writing!

Edit!

No matter what, always go over your chapters/stories before putting 'em on here - not a lot of people will want to read a constant grammar/spelling typo barrage, but more will be drawn to review neat, well-flowing sentences and so on.

Never Give Up!

Now, if this story really intrigues you, this Infinite Forever, don't allow anyone to hinder you! Listen to their advice, take it the way they mean it (helpfully, kindly, patiently) and you'll be awesome in absolutely no time. =D

Anyways, good luck. I hope you'll find your style soon.

-SELA
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest




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LOLLIPOPGIRL030 wrote:this is my first posting, so feel free to comment!
---
Breathing wasn’t an option. Neither was concentration. I couldn’t move any part of my body. The gorgeous stranger stalked me, walking in circles around me. He looked me up and down, his green eyes suddenly turning bue. I let out a gasp, wanting so much to run away. He stopped behind me and put his hands on my shoulders. He leaned down, his lips brushing my ear and said; [should this be a colon?] “what are you doing in this part of town?’’ [the what should be capitalized]
His hands started a slow descent down my arms. His hands caught my waist as I fell backwards, no longer paralyzed. [you started both those sentences with "his hands", try changing a few words to make it sound better] I was greatful [grateful] for his powerful arms because there was no way in hell that I could stand up on my own.
“I was just passing through.” I mumbled, hoping he would by [buy] the lie.
No such luck.
He started to turn me towards him, but I jerked away from him before he could complete the turn. [before you described his arms as "powerful". Do you really think you would be able to jerk away that easily?] I looked at him, seeing nothing but his still clear blue eyes. He growled depply. [deeply]
“Why are you afraid of me, little one?” He asked.
I gulped, wondering why he had called me that; wondering why he had to ask.
“Well, for one, there’s the whole body paralyzing thing.” I replied. [you sound braver than you (probably) felt. You could mention that.]
As his glare met mine, I felt an invisible tug on my chest, on [in?] my heart. My instincts screamed at me to run away, to yell. But my heart told me that I had nothing to fear, not in this mans arms.
He walked steadly [steadily] towards me, leaving me up against the wall with nowhere to go, and no way to get out. [where did the wall come from?] He put his hands on either side of my face, leaning up against me.
As his body touched mine, it took all of my self control to keep from putting my hand on his biceps, and bring his lips to mine.
“Sorry I had to do that, but I needed you to stay right where you were. You intrest [interest] me very much little one.” He said, leaning in closer, putting his cheek against mine.
All of a sudden, he let out a painful yelp, and dissappeared [disappeared] into thin air.



Sorry I didn't edit the whole story, but the beginning is very good. The only thing I would watch out for is a few spelling mistakes. It is a very good story, over all.




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I sorry if I repeat anything that was already said. Sorry if I seem harsh! I really don't mean too! :)

his green eyes suddenly turning bue.


You wrote bue. I think you meant blue.

said; “what are you doing in this part of town?’’


put a comma after said and the W should be uppercase.

I mumbled, hoping he would by the lie.


By should be buy.

“Why are you afraid of me, little one?”


The L in little should be uppercase, and the O in one should be uppersace too.

He walked steadly towards me,


steadly should be steadily...I think...haha sorry.

“Sorry I had to do that, but I needed you to stay right where you were. You intrest me very much little one.”


You spelled intrest, it should be interest. Put a comma after much. Also capitalize Little One.

Visions of the stranger haunted my memory, flashig behind my eye lids.


It should be eyeslids....I think...sorry haha.

“sorry I dissapeared like that.


The S should be uppercase.

Before I knew what was happening, he grabbed my key, unlocekd the door,


It should be unlocked.

“there are a few things we need to discuss.”


The T should be uppercase.

“yeah, we do, but I’m not going anywhere with you.


The Y should be uppercase.

“My name is zane, and I’m a vampire.”


The Z should be uppercase.

So blunt, was he. I staggered back alittle, and he was behind me in a second.


It should be a little, not alittle.

“um…..” I was speechless.


The U should be uppercase.

had always heard of vampires, but never expected to met one,


I should be meet, but if you want to keep met the sentence can be:
, but never expected to have met one
See? See? Yeah, I think you do! Sorry a little hyper! haha

The vampire thing didn’t really bug me that much. Me needing protection did.


I think those two sentences would be better together...hm...yep...yeah...together.

“what do I need to be protected from, exactly?”


Uppercase the W.

“well, since you seem to be comfortable with the super-natural thing,”


Uppercase the W.

I am your full-fleged gardian angel.”


It should be guardian.

“um….ok then.” I tried to smile. “ do you want something to eat, or…. Never mind. Just tell me if you want anything.”


The U in Um should be uppercase, as well as the D in Do.

“what!? You’re not upset? Or even curious? You don’t want to run away and scream bloody murder?” He seemed shocked, really.


Uppercase the W. I think you mean at the end of the sentence you mean:
You don't want to run away and scream bloody murderer


“actually, I’m very curious, but right now, I need a shower more than anything.


A in actually. should be uppercase.

Those were all of the mistakes I saw. Sorry if I misse anything. You can re-read over your stuff to make sure I didn't miss anything.

Overall, I really like it. You can make stretch this out though...like a lot!!!! You don't need to though! I really like this! Tell me when you write more! Sorry again if I came off harsh! :)

-Krisy




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I didn't like this, not exactly sure why.

maybe it's your spelling and puncuation. or your lack of capital letters.

and it's too stephanie meyer-ish.



Remember: the plot is nothing more than footprints left in the snow after your characters have run by on their way to incredible destinations.
— Ray Bradbury