Beginning of a story...

Here is the first page of a new story I'm writing! I'm new here, so could I have help and a little critique please? Thank you!

I remember my 9th birthday party very well. I didn’t have tons of friends, but the ones I had were very close. There was Matt, Darren, and Luke. There were a few other kids at the party too, but I didn’t know them as well. Most of them were other kids in my class at school. They mostly went off and did their own thing with their good friends, but I stuck with our little foursome of activities.
I didn’t want to invite the other kids, but my mom made me. Yes, I know, it’s a lame excuse, but I never can win an argument with her. Three days before the party, she came up to watch over my shoulder as I was making a list of the people who I wanted to invite. She was silent for a few moments, then she spoke up.
“I think you should invite your whole class, Tristan. You don’t want to exclude people, do you?” She obviously didn’t know how birthday parties work.
Yes, I thought, I actually do want to exclude people who would end up excluding me anyway at a party.
“No,” I said. “But we would have to make a lot more invitations, right?” I tried to keep my breathing steady, so it wouldn’t look like I was afraid of making extra cards.
“I’m sure we can handle it,” she said with a slight smile.
I can’t remember what I said to this. All I know is that we did end up making extra cards. The upside to that, which I only realized on the day of the party, was that I would get extra presents.
The next day, I handed out the cards at school. The day after that, I stayed home from school because of the snow. There was so much of it piled up in front of our door, it wouldn’t budge. It was a great chance to start decorating for my party, and me and my mom jumped to it. My dad wasn’t helping, he was attending to some “important business” upstairs in his office. He was probably taking the chance to start another chapter in his novel, a slow, romantic book that I never wanted to read.
My party was supposed to be dog themed, and it lived up to it’s expectations. There were dog posters on the walls, dog themed games placed all over the house, even a custom ordered dog shaped cake with nine brown (dog colored) candles placed in it. As I was attempting to drape brown streamers over the refrigerator, my mom told me to call my dad down from his important business. I reluctantly let the streamers drop to the floor, promising myself that I would try again later.
“Dad?” I called, when I had reached the foot of the stairs. I herd him reply, but not from the direction I had expected.
“Tristan?” My dad said. I spun around to fact the stairs leading down to the basement.
“How’d you get down there?” I asked.
“I’m, um, well, oh never mind that, what’s the problem?” he shouted up to me.
“Mom wants you,” I said.
“It better be something important” I heard him mutter as he started ascending the stairs.
As soon as he got to the top, my mom put him to work. At the end of the day, we were almost halfway done decorating.

It will eventually be a fantasy story. I mean, this part is just part of a memory the main character is describing.

Thanks again!

Hey coco. You're required to do two reviews for every one literary item you post.

Prokaryote

Wow, Prok. Way to really give him a review. -JKnudge&eyeroll-

I liked it - the story didn't info dump too much, and the main character seemed to be getting a good start on how we understand him, and his personality - for the first chapter, at least. Although I do think you could make it longer, and perhaps a bit more hooking, it is a rather good start for your first story.

Remember, always put a comma or period after the end of dialogue. Lemme show you.

"This is getting ridiculous," he sighed.

"Well, I'm sorry I didn't find something more realistic for you."

See what I mean? These things: . if you have no way they said it, and a , if you add a description of the way the character says it, like 'she screeched' or 'he cackled'.

Anyhow, good luck -- like Porkie told you earlier, make sure to review two times for each time you post a story.

-SELA

Not shabby - By that I mean... AWESOME! Anyway, you give thorough descriptions and your writing is great!

This is going to be a good story. If you need any critiques just PM me!

~jumper

*As said above, you need to post 2 reviews for every story or poem or lyrics you post. I didn't understood what they meant by a 2:1 ratio, so I got a few PMs saying to review something NOW. Haha! Just so you don't go the same thing I did when I started out...

I remember my 9th birthday party very well. I didn’t have tons of friends,

Stop... I understand what you mean, but this doesn't flow together correctly. Tons? It just dosen't match with what your trying to say.
'I remember my 9th birthday party vividly, maybe describe your party and what you felt like before describing your friends I was standing around the table with what little friends I could make.

I can’t remember what I said to this. All I know is that we did end up making extra cards. The upside to that, which I only realized on the day of the party, was that I would get extra presents.

How about.. 'The details now seem vague, but I still remember the excitement of extra presents bundling there way into my house'. <- That sentence shows you cannot remember but you did like the presents they brung.

“Dad?” I called, when I had reached the foot of the stairs. I heard him reply, but not from the direction I had expected.

“Tristan?” My dad said. I spun around to face the stairs leading down to the basement.

“How’d you get down there?” I asked.

“I’m, um, well, oh never mind that, what’s the problem?” he shouted up to me.

“Mom wants you,” I said.

“It better be something important” I heard him mutter as he began clambering up the stairs.

As soon as he got to the top, my mom put him to work. At the end of the day, we were almost halfway done decorating.

All in all, good work, just some little things that quite didn't tie in with the rest of the story

Hmm. I like. Maybe you should show the main character through the beggining more. You could keep the same idea but describe through words more about him besides the fact that he was excluded and couldn't stand up for himself. An epilogue would be great.

I like it, but found it boring. If it hadn't been so short I might have stopped reading. Maybe adding some type of hook would liven it up, or even just writing some more so that we know what actually happens. I did enjoy the small argument he had with his mom. That worked well and seemd realistic. Hope that helps.

oboemagic_1414 wrote:Hmm. I like. Maybe you should show the main character through the beggining more. You could keep the same idea but describe through words more about him besides the fact that he was excluded and couldn't stand up for himself. An epilogue would be great.

Ok, I think people are kind of missing the point of the beginning. Tristan does stand up for himself, he just isn't, like, super popular, having thousands of friends. He has three good friends that are described later in the story.

Also, what is being described is a memory he has of his 9th b-day party. I am purposely not describing too much at this point, because I will describe the house and himself at the same time I describe the birthday party. I will describe even more when the story snaps out of the past to tell everything in real time, when he's 12 or 13 years old.

Finally, I did 2 reviews.

It's well, written, but nothing hooks me. Nothing screams out at me to continue reading.

You have only a few pages to grab your reader’s attention. When you can hook them with the first paragraph, it’s even better.

Characters: You’ve created great characters and really gotten to know them, so start your book with a paragraph or two that shows their personality. It might be in their own voice or a narration that shows their attitude, but readers will be hooked by a character that comes to life.

Here's a great example of one: “If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like . . . but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.” (J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye)

Now; you've done this to a certain extent - but you've told us rather than show us. Show us that he 'doesn't have tons of friends,' it puts the reader on a similar wavelength with you and compells them to continue reading.

Setting:

If you can describe a setting so that it entrances and entices, drawing your reader into a world real enough to breathe the muggy air, hear the thunder, or feel the curtains, then try starting your novel where this author did:

"He stood at the window . . . framed by the faded curtains which she had chosen forty years before. The sun had bleached their bright roses to a faded pink, and the linings were so threadbare that they could no longer be sent to the cleaners for fear of total disintegration.” (Rosamunde Pilcher, Under Gemini)

I know it's a memory, but even memories need descriptions. ^_^

Establishing a mood

Readers can also be spellbound by the mood you set in your opening paragraphs. Even if they don’t know who the characters are or what the problem is, they can shiver with anticipated suspense, adopt the wry attitude of a jaded detective, or be drawn into a mesmerizing, epic-level fantasy.

Spend extra time crafting the beginning of your book. Experiment with different ways to hook readers. Some writers can’t manage mood, and others can’t start with a bold statement. Follow your talents to find which method is right for you and your book.


Good Luck!

xxx