Love Scars

The scars run deep,
In your eyes they show.
Those scars are yours to keep,
You’ve earned them, now go.

Please save us the pain,
It will only hurt us more.
I don’t want the tearful rain,
To flood into my heart’s door.

I have them too,
Do you see them?
Do you see them!
I have them too.

Ephemeral emotions,
Do not hurt me.
But I’d hurt you,
For this monstrosity.

You did it to yourself,
I won’t be back.
We both have the scars,
A memory of a lover’s past.

wisemann210 wrote:Okay, when I first read this I said I just had to critique it... er give constructive criticism. I'm honestly not trying to be mean, but people keep telling me that everything I say today is mean -shrugs- who knows.

Okay, Now, is this written based on something you went through?

Emotion plays a big part in this poem; but some things need to be reconstructed.



The scars run deep,
In your eyes they show.
Those scars are yours to keep,
You’ve earned them, now go.

(Let's try:

Your eyes show
Scars so deep
You may now go
They're yours to keep

{I kind of though the way you wrote it was a bit... too dragged out if you know what I mean})



Please save us the pain,
It will only hurt us more.
I don’t want the tearful rain,
To flood into my heart’s door.

(This first line can be confusing. Save is to conserve; so you can conserve the pain for them or what... Let's try:

Spare us the pain
And hurt us no more
I don't want tear's rain
Entering my heart's door

{and I say, even the way I just wrote that is a bit... too stretched. Somehow, the stanzas in this )



I have them too,
Do you see them?
Do you see them!
I have them too.

(It may be better to get rid of this entire stanza or change it completely. It's really vague... I can't tell if you mean the scars mentioned above or the emotions mentioned below. You should try to avoid your beginning sentence ending in "too" if what the narrator possesses is as vague as it is here.
)


Ephemeral emotions,
Do not hurt me.
But I’d hurt you,
For this monstrosity.
(I love your use of "ephemeral" here . But we need a little bit of reconstruction. Let's try:
Ephemeral emotions
Cannot hurt me, (See, you used hurt twice, and we need to avoid that repetition since it doesn't occur in the poem beforehand)
But I would harm you
For this monstrosity. (Do you mean from or for?)
)




You did it to yourself,
I won’t be back.
We both have the scars,
A memory of a lover’s past.

(The "you message", eh?:lol: Your first line is a bit harsh and the punctuation here is a bit offish; we need the demolition/reconstruction here. Let's try this:
You did it to yourself;
I won't come back
We both bear the scars
of a lovers past

Now this stands out a little bit. The above stanzas rhymed a bit... so this seemed out of place in some senses. But if I change it, I'll be changing your poem, the story within and be making it into something other than what it is; So I'll leave it alone all together...But this line, "A memory of a lover’s past." really didn't work for me.
)



Here's what the finished piece would look like if you altered it by my... what's-the-word standards

Your eyes show
Scars so deep.
You may now go;
They're yours to keep.


Spare us the pain,
And hurt us no more.
I don't want tear's rain
Entering my heart's door.

Ephemeral emotions
Cannot hurt me.
But I would harm you
For this monstrosity.

You did it to yourself;
I won't come back.
We both bear the scars
of a lovers past.

All in all, I loved the poem. The emotion was vague, but strong. Vague because it was hard to tell what exactly you were talking about... it was hard to tell what kind of emotions were being played her. But it was strong at the same time, because it was clear cut and easy to read.

The only thing that irks me about poetry is how hard it is to perfect a piece. It's like when I read over a piece that I can fix, the way to fix it is knocking on my brains back door, but just won't come in. And obviously I don't answer the back door; I answer the front... so sorry for the stupid metaphoric rant and whatever .

I give this an 8/10. It kind of made shivers run up my spine for reasons I can't explain... and wouldn't discuss if I could.

Keep up the good work!

June

Thank you june for the crit.

I will explain thispoem so all my words are in the right order and make sense.

The memories are the scars, meaning they'll never go away.

Thankyou for the crit though!


---Jon---

P.S. -- I said you were the nicest in the lounge where it is a sticky!

No problem

That makes more sense now, and after I finished reviewing it I hinted that from the title. Other than the line "A memory of a lovers past" it speaks little directly about memory. We see that it's all memories but it's still hard to say... I think if you can, you could try to replace that stanza that I so rudely eliminated with something that speaks a bit more about the pained memories...

Thanks for clarifying

June

Ah, that's beautiful! I love it.

I have them too,

Do you see them?

Do you see them!

I have them too.

-That is my favorite part, I can really just...hear it I guess, more than just see it written.

*****

I think the first stanza was a little bit awkward, I guess that was taken care of ^^. But I also think you could open with a little bit more of a, er, powerful few lines, it's not my poem (although I wish it was ), so maybe...

You’ve earned them, now go.

Could be something like:

You've earned them

Now go.

...Just a suggestion. I did really love that poem.

it's not my poem (although I wish it was ), so maybe...

so maybe you'll what? You better not copy this/print it!

I know you wouldn't anyways.

Thank you for the crit and welcome to YWS!


---Jon---

"I know you wouldn't anyways.

Thank you for the crit and welcome to YWS! "

Thanks!