One Kiss

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If you could help me come up with a title that would be great!!
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It was December. It was beginning to get cold. We had been dating for 4 months. I still haven’t kissed her. “Julie, I have a question.”
“What is it babe?”
“Are you sure that this is what you want? I mean we have been dating for 4 months and you won’t even hold my hand.”
“You know how hard this is for me. I just don’t know.” She falters. I fear for the worst. She has been skeptical since she came out. I didn’t realize how torn up this made her. Maybe this wasn’t meant to be. Maybe it is best for our relationship if we just end it now and stay friends.
“Cassie,”
“Yea Julie?” I ask.
“It isn’t that I don’t want this. It is still raw for me, still weird for me. I think that we moved to fast. I don’t want to hurt you, but I think that it is best for me to take a break and think this over. To make sure that I am not rushing things. I don’t want to lead you on. I mean, what if I decide that I don’t want this. I don’t want to hurt you anymore than I already am.” My heart aches inside. I look up with tears in my eyes, “Cassie, I want you to be happy, if that means not being with me. Then that is what I want for you.” I turn to walk away, she grabs my hand, “Cassie, I want you to realize that I do truly love you, I just don’t think that I am ready for this type of relationship quite yet.”
“I understand, I will wait for you as long as you need me too. Even if you tell me not to wait, I will.” I walk away. My heart heavy, my eyes filled. This was the beginning of the end for me.


2 Months Later

“Cassie!” I turn, Julie runs towards me.
“Hey Julie, what’s up? How you been?”
“I’ve been good. How ‘bout you?”
“I’ve been pretty good. So how is everything?”
“Well, I have been thinking, I know what I want. It isn’t a relationship like that with you, but I do want a friendship. But I owe you one thing.” She kisses me. Full on the lips, tounge searching for mine, kiss.
I push her off. “What are you doing? Don’t play me like that. I wanted that kiss 5 months ago. I don’t want it anymore. Why would you do something like that? If this isn’t the kind of relationship you didn’t want, why play like that?” She looks hurt. I feel bad, but she hurt me a lot worse. “I’m sorry Julie, if you don’t want a relationship like that with me, you can’t pull stuff like that. I want you as a friend, but nothing more because that isn’t what you want. I will always love you, you being my first girlfriend and all, but don’t do that. It hurts me more when you do stuff like that and makes it harder for me to get over you.”
“Sorry, Cassie. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Thank you for the experience. It makes me see a lot clearer now.” She walks away.
I sit here and watch her walk away. I think back on what would make her think that I would want a kiss from her after she told me she didn’t want a relationship. It just puzzles me. “Julie! Wait!” She turns back to look at me, I run to catch up with her. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to blow up on you. I was just hurt and in the moment. Please forgive me.” She nodded her head. She reached in for a hug, I let her. It was felt so good to be in her arms. I just wish we could stay like this forever.
Last edited by ShaydeDesiree on Wed Dec 03, 2008 7:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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ShaydeDesiree wrote:It was December. It was beginning to get cold. We had been dating for 4 ((four)) months. I still haven’t kissed her. “Julie, I have a question.”
“What is it babe?”
“Are you sure that this is what you want? I mean we have been dating for 4 ((four))months and you won’t even hold my hand.”

I feel as if the first couple of sentences are too abrupt. Lay out the scene a little more. Where are they? What are they doing? What have the last four months been like? Who is she dating?

little_miss_obsessed wrote:“You know how hard this is for me. I just don’t know.” She falters. ((I would start a new paragraph here because you're now talking about the MC, not the girlfriend)) I fear for the worst. She has been skeptical since she came out. I didn’t realize how torn up this made her. Maybe this wasn’t meant to be. Maybe it is best for our relationship if we just end it now and stay friends.


little_miss_obsessed wrote:“It isn’t that I don’t want this. It is still raw for me, still weird for me. I think that we moved to fast. I don’t want to hurt you, but I think that it is best for me to take a break and think this over. To make sure that I am not rushing things. I don’t want to lead you on. I mean, what if I decide that I don’t want this. I don’t want to hurt you anymore than I already am.” ((new paragraph here, because you're switching from cassie to julie.)) My heart aches inside. I look up with tears in my eyes, “Cassie, I want you to be happy, if that means not being with me. Then that is what I want for you.” I turn to walk away, she grabs my hand, “Cassie, I want you to realize that I do truly love you, I just don’t think that I am ready for this type of relationship quite yet.”


little_miss_obsessed wrote:“Cassie!” I turn, ((take out the comma and just put 'and')) Julie runs towards me.


little_miss_obsessed wrote:“Well, I have been thinking, I know what I want. It isn’t a relationship like that with you, but I do want a friendship. But I owe you one thing.” She kisses me. Full on the lips, tounge ((tongue)) searching for mine, kiss.

That last sentence didn't flow very well.

It wasn't a bad story by any means but I just felt it was a bit rushed. I didn't really like the ending, Julie's reaction and the conversation wasn't very realistic in my opinion.
I didn't feel very connected to the characters either. I don't know what either of them look like, what their past is like, anything. I don't feel anything for either of them, they're just kind of there. I think you could build up the characters a lot more, especially in the beginning as you set the scene.
Good luck in the contest! :D

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