The Witch Prince, One (Edited x 2)

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He was naked, and cold sweat clung to him, the bed was uncomfortable and there were no blankets.

You need to learn to where and when to place commas as well as conjunctions such as 'and'. The second comma should be a period, splitting the sentences:

He was naked and cold sweat clung to hum. The bed was uncomfortable and there were no blankets.

Of course, after a while, that kind of phrasing becomes boring and predictable. I think you were trying to avoid that. Even so, you need to better connect the fragments in the sentence. For example:

He was naked and cold sweat clung to him, making the bed uncomfortable. There were no blankets.

A hand, frozen at his gaze, wavered above his shoulder.

add a comma for flow.

"Get back to your bed, Raw, if they hear so much as a footstep, they'll come in here and flay us both."

If she is naming him, it should be capitalized. [bolded]
[
quote]The orange flame reflected off the metal surfaces of the cages and the shackles, it gilded over the stone tiles and threw dancing shadows around the room.[/quote]

Again with the comma's. If a fragment can stand on its own and doesn't specifically need to be tied to a sentence, then separate it. For instance:

It glided over the stone tiles and threw dancing shadows around the room.

Perfectly valid on its own, but again, its good to very sentence structure, no? So you could also try this:

The orange flame reflected off the metal surfaces of the cages and the shackles; it glided over the stone tiles and threw dancing shadows around the room.

I think the semi-colon (;) is what you need to start using more.

With a squeal of shock and pain, the room was abruptly darker; the torch lay on the floor of Jenerra's cage.

Another example of the above.

"Now you've done it, raw. See what you made me do!" She said between gritted teeth and laboured breaths. "We're dead, now. Dead!"

"I'm sorry." He said meekly.

When it comes to speech, you need to learn that the sentence doesn't end with the dialogue, no matter if there's an exclamation or not. The correct phrasing is as follows:

"Now you've done it, Raw. See what you made me do!" she said between gritted teeth and laboured breaths. "We're dead, now. Dead!"

"I'm sorry," he said meekly.

Comma's instead of full stops. Always. Fix it up.

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Okay so on a more general note, this is an intriguing beginning. I think you need to vary the sentence structure a bit and use commas more wisely so it flows better but on the whole, you have a good opening, solid characters, dialogue and setting. The trifecta. You have some good passages of description too, so don't hold back on those.

Oh, and one tip, since its obvious the main character is unaware of his identity and location, I think a little more self-reflection, or even a stray thought about that, would be a nice touch of realism. It could even be shown in a subtle fashion. She calls him 'Raw' and when he first hears it, you would think his first thought would be 'Is that my name?'

In any case, good luck with this and keep it up.

Cheers

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Hi there Shadow, I'm back again

With serpentine speed he went to grab it, but as he did a bicep slammed into his chin and threw him off the bed onto the floor.

I would omit "bicep" and rephrase the sentence to something simpler. It's just too specific and irrelevant. The point of that sentence is basically him getting struck in the chin.

He rubbed his wrist on his throbbing mouth and blinked back tears, then he froze.

This seems more of a compound sentence but with an extra clause at the end. You are breaking a grammar rule by having thee clauses in a compound sentence. You should separate the last clause to form a new sentence.

The hand in front of his face, extending from his wrist, the one that was above his shoulder.

This is a strangely constructed sentence. The ideas here don't follow through, they seem like separate thoughts.

He realised after a while that it was not actually pitch black, and he looked around the room.

But you said the word "dim" earlier on.

They had unbarred the door. He could hear the jingling of keys on the other side, the flicker and crackle of a lit torch, the rhythm of breath.

Rhythm of breath? Seems a bit musical for someone breathing.

"Feral brat!" it growled.

It growled? What did? If you haven't introduced this new creature yet in the piece, you don't use "it". "It" is used if something has already been introduced in the piece but the author wants to make another referral to the creature/character/event.

Overall impressions:

Hrmm, this is decent, but needs more depth for it to actually be more intriguing for the reader. For starters, I'll talk about your writing style. Your style is clean and easy to follow, but it's a little dry. I think a big part of that is you don't seem to use much sensory imagery. What was shown here is mostly imagery with the eyes. It doesn't distinguish your dungeon enough with other morbid dungeons that one can find in an average fantasy novel. Show more examples as to how your dungeon is morbid. I'm sure it will help add more favour into your writing.

Another problem that I had would be the actual ideas in the piece. I'm not a huge fan of having a dungeon plot point in a novel. Most of the time, it's the protagonists that somehow gets away. I think that what you have hear follows too closely with these overused dungeon conventions. It's just too predictable. The point of a narrative is about the protagonist overcoming various obstacles in order to fulfill his/her desire. So by following too closely with this convention, it's kind of a no brainer that the protagonists will escape. What's the point of having a plot if they die right here right now. To remedy this problem, I think you need to tailor the writing to a theme or idea. If you have watched Prison Break, it takes the dungeon convention into a new direction as it deals with various ideas and themes such as trust, what is considered to be freedom, friendship etc etc. Right now, I don't see much of that.

Think to yourself "Why am I starting off my story in a dungeon? What message am I trying to get across?"

There also needs to be more characterisation. We don't exactly know who these characters are. I have a feeling that more to them will be revealed later, but personally, I like to give the reader a strong idea of who my protagonist is in the first chapter.

I think that's all I have to say for now. Overall, good job and I hope my critique has helped you. Welcome to YWS and good luck. I'll be back to review future chapters if you intend to put them up.

Andy.

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I'll just clarify some of my points.

I don't quite follow what you're saying. I need more sensory imagery, but not imagery with the eyes- So, I need to include more sound, taste, touch and smell in regards to my description of the dungeon? If so, then I think I agree somewhat, I haven't established many of those, especially given the nature of the protagonist as one with limited experience with his body and senses. But if not, please explain your meaning.

Yeah, basically you need more imagery with sound taste, touch and smell in your descriptions, not just what one sees. And by the way, you wrote this in third person so your senses shouldn't be limited by the main character's current state. Up to you really if you want to just mention what he sees/feels, but that means you have to find another way to add variety to your descriptions (maybe use a metaphor or a smile?) Sorry if I worded it poorly before, I did that review at 4 in the morning (naughty me )

This is not Prison Break, the fantasy novel, I'm sorry to disappoint. I agree when you say that the protagonists escaping is predictable, but we have different attitudes on the matter. I think, given the expectation of the protagonists escaping, an author can use this very effectively to draw attention to different aspects of the story whilst keeping the reader in a comfortable, predictable plot environment. There needn't be a message underlying the choice of the dungeon as a starting point in a novel, but in this case there certainly are reasons both in terms of the novel's structure and in terms of the story and plot.

I think this is arguable. Yeah, maybe I haven't seen much of the novel to judge this part, but on the other hand, I think that as an intro, it needs more momentum to give it more of a hook. It's a bit thin on ideas and doesn't really make the reader think much. Probably just me though. I'm more drawn to realistic fiction nowadays. Nevertheless though, this intro did interest me, it just didn't interest me as much as I would had hoped.

Sorry if I might have seem a bit subjective, but I tend to find that subjective critiques helps more than objective ones so long as it is reasonable and that there's justification.

Andy.