alive but dying (revised)

My voice is truthful but my words are lying
My spirit is resisting but my mind is complying
My eyes are dry but my heart is crying
My body is alive but my soul is dying

My lips are smiling but this smile is not real
My skin will repair but my heart will not heal
My secrets are spoken but my truth is concealed
My body is safe but my mind I can't shield

My mind is bursting but I am empty inside
My innocence is gone but myself I cannot hide
My eyes are open but my vision is blind
My hopes are fading as I struggle to fight

My mouth is speaking but only silent words
My ears are listening but the voices go unheard
My questions are asked but they are not answered
My memories are clear but my mind is blurred

My body is here but my mind has gone astray
My mouth wants to speak but the words I can't say
My face may look happy but this happiness is fake
My body may be whole but I am about to break

My eyes are dry but my heart is crying
My body is alive but my soul is dying
My secrets are revealed but I am still in hiding
And somehow, despite all of this, I am still surviving.

1) The rhyme scheme is messed up. Generally I don't recommend a solid rhyme at all, but if you really want to, then please make it consistent. "Blind" does not rhyme with "fight". "Words" does not rhyme with "unheard/answered/blurred". "Hiding" does not rhyme perfectly with "surviving".

2) Your use of repetition, but literally (as in the repeated usage of "My") and content-wise (like the paradoxes) is so formulaic that I could spell out the next line in the poem as I was reading. There's no suspense left, no surprise, and really nothing to corral in the audience's interest. What good is a poem if from the first line, we know absolutely anything and everything about the rest of the poem? Why should we keep reading?

3) Content is vague; I couldn't understand what was going on because the theme was basically "I'm torn in two directions". Okay, now show me why. Show me the path you took to get in this dilemma. Show me how others may feel about this. As I see it, the poem is only about you and has material that apparently only you understand, because the reader certainly can't.

hmm I think I have to agree with everything Gal said.

This poem is ok as it stands but just ok...the repetition dosen't really work, it is a very predictable poem. I also think you are relying a bit too much on the rhyme to hold it together as well.

With poetry the best thing I can ever say to improve it is to read poetry! And lot's of it! The more you read the better then understanding and knowledge you have of it!

Just keep working at it - you will get there!

Meevs
x

i guess you're right, once you read it it's a pretty sucky poem.
i don't have any real poetic talent, because i can only write what i'm feeling
i guess i don't about the reader, but then again i only write to express myself so i really don't know how to improve this poem ( i guess its to the failure bin with this one)

but thanks!

WAIT!

Don't throw this away YET! If you revise it more than twelve times and people still don't like it, then you can throw it into the failure bin. But not yet.

This is what I think you might want to work on.

Rhyming: Personally, I don't think your rhymes are as off as the others say they are. Granted, yes, there are a few outrageous ones, but poetry is hard enough; I don't think they have to rhyme exactly. But some others might disagree.

Repetition: You do use "my" an awful lot. Every line in every stanza starts the same and ends with the same general sound. That might be one thing to change.

Length: Er, this, I think, is your biggest problem. It is long, though not very long. It begins to wear thin after the third stanza. Maybe cut one or two. Just a thought.

Overall: I liked it a lot. You don't really say the reason behind the pain, but I liked that. I think you ought to give it one or two more polishes, and see if the reviews turn out any better. Hang in there!