Turnabout's fair-play, da? though in this case 'tis positive, rather the eye for an eye sort; a thanks for the remarks on mine.
Anyhow, I had skimmed this when it was posted. But it takes a quiet reading, and attention, to truly see this short. Its depths are in its small details. The air of Rome is palpable. And with the detail, the physical detail, you've managed to give it a melancholy sense of ages in microcosm--milennia.
Oy, it's run a narrow line--time, especially when it is so long--tends to take the heart out of something. Yet when a story has a heart, it's often myopic in its character. But you've put the heart in Rome through the people, da?
My only brief comment to the contrary of praise -- The italics. Ach, and I wish I could be specific, but my reason always quirks at them. Though if I were dreaming, no doubt, the voice would whirr like clockwork with the rest of the prose, sans question. For it does feel as if it fits the flow. Ha, an impishly bewildering paragraph of not-quite criticism, I fear.
I enjoyed it distinctly though. ^_^ I've a worthy opponent in CL's contest...oy, too worthy for comfort.
IMP
ex umbris et imaginibus in veritatem
"There is adventure in simply being among those we love, and among the things we love -- and beauty, too."
Oh! And I've been so glad to see my absentee foe, dancing about once more with Impish grace. What to say on the italics? I'm not really sure about them myself; if you see the very first picture Cal put up on her contest thread, you will see the statues littered about, da? It is through their eyes, voice, remembrance, said italics come.
Only, I don't know the history behind the picture because I don't what the photo is of - Cal neglected to mention and so I thought I should add a little personality; flashback, past tense to contrast with the vivid present of the rest.
I rather liked this piece. You touched on the city as a whole being defined by the people who live within it, their hopes and their dreams. It's rather haunting, in a sense. The way you illustrated the passage of time in Rome was also very good, taking us from horses to cars, the cocoon of history, very beautiful imagery that gives a rather amazing picture. That last paragraph was really haunting too, very well done.
The only complaint I have with this piece is the italicized portions. To me, they really don't seem to tie into the story over all, except maybe the last one. I don't really know how one would go about fixing that though, so I'll shut up about it.
Hm. If I stick with the Rome as the city-narrator, then I might keep them up until it all ties in and you can make sense of the relevance of the italicized portions :p
This is problematic for me in a number of ways. First off, that opening line (and the rest of the italic sequences)? Terrible, just terrible. You must do away with them.
Then the list of lists that goes nowhere and provoke nothing. "A constant reminder of what was lost" promises but fails to deliver anything substantial.
"Destinations set, goals achieved, candle-lights snuffed – periodic darkness. Thoughts drift, distance grows, problems multiply but even in the darkness, in the twilight, the work continues."
This is particularly problematic. In the first sentence, the first pair has no relationship with the second, and in the second sentence, I have no idea what thoughts, distance and problems have to do with one another or how, despite them, even in the darkness (that comes from where?) the work (which is what?) continues.
"The surge patiently captured, the surface rendered flat and black but I surge beneath."
The repetition of surge annoys and seems to muddle rather than clarify what you mean.
"Past and present lock together in step, partners."
This has not been established anywhere in the preceding text. It comes out of the blue, and the following lines don't help.
"The clip-clop of stately horses merges into the shrill horns of cars that rattle and burn, spewing forth bile into my lungs."
Try as I might, this sentence makes no sense to me at any level. I have no idea what the lungs of a city are, and the text certainly hasn't lent itself to any helpful interpretations.
I think what you have are some unfinished thoughts that, when polished, could actually be surprisingly good. It was well-written, but you simply must make a better effort to broaden the experiences and make them all connect lest you end up with a pile of random, tangentially related half-thoughts. Do let me know if you get another version up soon.
Take care,
Brad
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson
"Destinations set, goals achieved, candle-lights snuffed - periodic darkness. Thoughts drift, distance grows, problems multiply but even in the darkness, in the twilight, the work continues."
Destinations set, goals achieved, candle-lights snuffed - I was referring to the daily tasks we set ourselves and from that, to sleep, lights being our consciousness. Periodic darkness being sleep. The following sentence I was referring to dreams and how even in them, in sleep, we continue to think and work on goals, problems, etc.
Does that make sense?
I shall endeavour to work on those things. Thanks a bunch,
