Muse

3 posts
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Gender Female
Points 8846
Reviews 531
I really don't like the ending last two lines, so I'd like some feedback on how to make atleast those better.

cheers CL

Muse
Muse Circle v.2

roving touches
faint to dust
on my skin
rough kisses plaster
themselves
to my aching heart
an angel with battle-scarred wings
sighs fondly in my embrace
my inspiration-
alive
but breaking under
repeated abuse
like the Wall, she ruptures
with pride, hate and longing
but most of all fear
Goodbye, Lenin she remarks
to me
coddled in my
western cloister
rummpled and brittle
are the wings that
once sparkled with ambition
cracked are the pale lips
that once spoke the melodies
of
a charmer
lost is she now
my muse
for she’s run along
musing
Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Fraser: You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
(Due South)

Hatter: Do I need a reason to help a pretty girl in a very wet dress? (Alice)

Got YWS?




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 148
Very good. You really did the enjambment well.
"The only difference between me and a mad man is that I am not mad."
-Salvador Dali, surrealist




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 16
Overall it was awesome! I really enjoyed it, but towards the end the poem lost its rhythm and fell apart. Maybe you should keep the same length phrases throughout the whole poem.



Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.
— Søren Kierkegaard