What a day

Eat lunch
Go to class
study study
what a drag

what is this day?
that i say
why it is school
what other place?

School is but a hall of peers
the watchful eyes of teachers
the principle ...
always near

homework and essays
book reports plus more
how much can we take
the teachers think they know for sure

at least there are friends
and school activities help a bit
that make it all worth while
mainly because we dont have to sit

so every day
until our 18th birthday you see
this is the way
that our day will be

Ha! I am awesome and I get the first review.

Anyway, because you're awesome (and partly because I'm too lazy to write out a proper critique) I videotaped myself reading your poem and commenting on it. Plus! My brother, Griffinkeeper, helped out! So both of us are there and we're both commenting on your poem and giving out advice that hopefully is helpful for you.

You can see the critique here: http://revver.com/video/1279816/affilia ... hat-a-day/

Hope you like it! If you are having problems getting to the video or you can't get to it, bug me and I'll write it up.

syd552 wrote:
what is this day?
that i say
why it is school
what other place?

Hmm, I don't really understand when you use the phrase "what other place".
I feel, that it was a good attempt, however, you could use,

" What is this day?
That diverts me from play.
Why, it is school,
Pencils, will be my tools. "

Just a suggestion. I do apologise if I have changed your poem in any way to your dislike.
However, I do feel that your the starting of your poem is nice.
Short, and straight to the point and readers can run through the story in their minds.

syd552 wrote:
at least there are friends
and school activities help a bit
that make it all worth while
mainly because we dont have to sit

Hmm, "mainly because we don't have to sit".. Does not really appeal to me.
Once again, a pretty good attempt, however, you could use,

" At least there are friends,
Who would lend a helping hand.
That makes it all worth while,
On my face you'll see a smile. "

This is, again, another suggestion, it may or may not work out on your poem, but, it was nice overall. (: Great job and keep up the good work!! (:

-snorts- typical school. Every teenager's personal hell. I liked this poem because it was short, sweet, and to the point. Just a liiiittle tid-bit;

what is this day?
that i say
why it is school
what other place?

I'm confuzzled? For some reason, I understand this bit of the poem, but it sticks out like a sore thumb. Try rephrasing, maybe?

Okay, that's really all I had trouble with. Again, great job!

_MQ

this poem... well, here's my critique:


Eat lunch

Go to class

study study

what a drag (class and drag to not rhyme.)



what is this day? (this doesn't fit with the rhythm you set in the first stanza.)

that i say (this doesn't make sense.)

why it is school

what other place? (huh?)



School is but a hall of peers (again with the not fitting)

the watchful eyes of teachers

the principle ...

always near (doesn't make much sense)



homework and essays (again with the not fitting!)

book reports plus more (too vauge)

how much can we take

the teachers think they know for sure (um. no.)



at least there are friends (make it fit!)

and school activities help a bit (change the wording)

that make it all worth while

mainly because we dont have to sit (?)



so every day

until our 18th birthday you see (no "you see")

this is the way

that our day will be (no. that's really weird-sounding.)


Good work, keep writing!
-KK

Its very good! Keep writing, its just like my school days XD