my poem #1

The sky darkens as I see your face
My mind races as I reach towards you
You don't see me
You never have
I cry tears of sorrow
Your picture blurs
I cry harder
Then I see you
The real you
You have seen me
You've been staring at me forever

emm...
for your first (?) song, it's pretty good one :]
although it seemed to be compelled as you were writing (sorry for the language, my english isn't very good hh)

well, keep on writing
if you need any help here, or something else, i'm always here :]]

have a nice week

The first two lines were pretty cool. The middle told me you were crying, but failed to show me why. The ending would have had more of an impact if your middle had been more interesting.

Who is "you"? What did he/she do to make you cry? What is the narrator's relationship with "you"? Why didn't "you" see the narrator before? What made the narrator realize "you have seen me"? I would explore these questions and use the answers to flesh out the middle.

You had a solid beginning and ending, but expanding the middle would make this piece much stronger. Keep writing!

Hi and welcome to YWS.. I can see that this is your first poem, so i shant go very hard on you..

Although, the thing that bugs me about this poem is it is more like a diary entry of a ten year old.. Im sorry but it is true..

Its basicly saying: I love you, but you dont love me.
Make more feeling in it! I want to feel your emotions! Also, remember punciation!!! It really makes it easier to read if you have punciation!!!

So remember, write with your emotions. There is no controls or restraints.. Just write!


Pm me ASAP if you edit it I would love to hear from you!

*Emily*

Thanks for the advice everyone! I'll try to keep it in mind! XD