Introduction to "Eternity"

Hi guys! This is my first work ever posted, and the very first book I ever tried to write. I'd like some reviews. Please correct any errors you see, but don't be too mean about it - English is a language I've been learning for only two years, so I'm not perfect. I'd just like to know what people think about this piece.

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Many would say I am blessed with the knowledge of the centuries. Others believe I am fortunate to be freed of the burden of death. That I am destined to teach people philosophy and art, being witness of many of the discoveries made, thoughts revealed, and words uttered. But what do they, mere mortals, know about infinity? Absolutely nothing. They can’t experience it, or touch it. They can’t even get the tiniest wisp of it. Their lives are simply too short, too temporary to get the smallest sense of “forever”. How will they learn about it?
Many would say I am lucky to know.
They’re wrong.
I am cursed with the burden of eternity. Cursed, damned, and condemned. What does forever feel like? They don’t know. You can’t blame them. They live in ignorance, oblivious to the world… the true world around them. They don’t know the truth.
Yet there is one thing that is worse than not knowing the truth.
Knowing it.
It’s for the better. If they knew, the world would never be at peace. They would live in constant, never-ending fear. The small capacity of their brains would not be able to hold the knowledge without going insane with dread, terror, and panic. Peace of mind would be nonexistent, and war would be a very strong possibility. A terrible, bloody war, tearing at the last wisps of the humans, ravaging among the bits and pieces left, taking and destroying more.
Instead, they are oblivious. Most of the things they think they know are actually very different from what they think. Who murdered the man you saw on the news? Gangs, they say. What is the force of gravity? Magnets, they say. What caused the war? What causes high tide? What happens when a person dies? They found their own primitive explanations to that. It’s for the better. They don’t know the truth for a reason.
The truth would destroy the world.
They think eternity is something amazing. There are many that would go to the ends of the world to search for it. There are many that would give away the things most precious to them to become immortal. They think eternity is living forever without worries, without concerns, and without pain.
Again, they are wrong.

So what does eternity feel like?

I do not feel physical pain, but I am constantly in agony. I can’t feel the desire for food, but I am hungry. I have the appearance of a person, but I am not human. My life, my existence, is a constant lie. Whenever I make a friend, I pose a constant danger to him. Whenever I like someone, they die quickly. Their lives are so short, for me it’s like the bat of an eyelash. Not that it matters, of course. I never became attached to anyone. We try not to cause ourselves pain.
My body does not need energy, but I am tired. I need not sleep, but I desire it. I desire the rest that comes with it. The peace I never get.

So, do you still want to live forever? Outliving friends, family, and everyone and everything proves to be too much for many of us. And knowing who and what you are…

Why do you search for it? Why do you want this pain, this anguish? Why does nobody understand what this means?
You’re alone. No one understands the suffering you feel, the pain of knowledge that so many want. You can’t do anything about your helplessness. You see things happen, but instinctively, no human being will ever trust you if you try to advise against what you know will lead to destruction. There’s only one question you ever ask yourself.
Why me?

This was actually pretty good for your first story, as you called it. Your style is pretty good and I really liked the way you ended it with "There’s only one question you ever ask yourself.
Why me?" It's probably the perfect ending for this piece.

I couldn't find any grammatical errors, so no problems there...

And that's about all I've got to say. It was an overall enjoyable read.

Nice work for a first piece! I couldn't find any errors, but here's some advice for changes as a matter of style (take it or leave it, some would disagree with me)

Many would say I am lucky to know.

Just in terms of formatting, I would throw this up in the previous paragraph, as it allows for more emphasis on the next sentence, which is where you want it.

Yet there is one thing that is worse than not knowing the truth.

Same as above. also I would consider streamlining "not knowing the truth" to "ignorance"

Knowing it.

Simplify to "knowledge"....?

and war would be a very strong possibility.

war is always a very strong possibility, it's the world we live in, go for something stronger like "war would be inevitable"

last wisps of the humans

"last wisps of humanity"

Magnets, they say

"Magnetism, the say"

I like the second half, but it occasionally borders on the angsty, which could alienate your narrator from the reader (a bad thing, for sure).

Anyways, again, nice work and if you have any questions, PM me,
Cheerio,
Rubric

This is your first story? Well, this is my first writing critique. I hope that I'm able to help you.

I did not notice any mistakes in the grammar, but this piece, overall, came off as fairly redundant. The character in this story says quite a bit, but I feel like he's just making the same points over and over again. You get the idea of what he's like and what his qualms with immortality are fairly early on into the story, but I feel as if he doesn't elaborate on his complaints enough.

He seems to speak in generalizations and, as a result, quite a few of his arguments don't seem compelling. I think that adding in specific events from this character's long life would have made things a lot more interesting, but that might not have been what you were going for.

Your English is wonderful. I hope that I was able to express myself clearly to you.

Wow.

This is pretty good for a first post. A lot of people here post so-so works their first time just to level with other people. This was really good. Though I have a few problems with it.

First of all, you can tell by the first line that the tone of this paper is serious. (Also: your first line needs to be a little stronger, one that draws someone in, you know.) But by the end of the piece, the tone is even more serious, sad, and a little angsty. Really sort of frightening. Or creepy, I guess you could say.

The problem is this: you are trying to educate the reader about living forever and the pains that come along with it. Instead you rant about stuff the reader has no idea about. So you end up building this border of lack of communication between you and your reader. Not such a good thing . . .

But I like the message of the piece, and I want to read more. Keep it up and welcome to the Society!

This is quite good for your first story, but you need to explain this more. You haven't given us much information about the story, or why the main character is actually immortal. I couldn't find any spelling or grammar mistakes with this, though, so good job!

Hey,
Thanks you guys for all the good tips and criticism, it really helped. Right now I am editing the introduction and the 1st chapter - both will be available soon.
Also, I'm trying to figure out how to make my main character a little less... distant from the reader.
And all the unexplained stuff - why is the person immortal and more on the story - will be revealed in chapters one and two, so be patient!
Thanks everybody, and I am still open to further crit.

I love your writing style! It reminds me of the beginning of the book The Eyes of the King by Catherine Banner. It's very sophisticated and it draws the reader in like a (dare I say it?) magnet.

And have you really only been learning English for two years? I know people that have known English their whole lives that don't do even half as well on grammer as you. Good for you! You've passed much of America's youth in terms of literacy!

I would definitely like to see more of this. I only have one complaint: Why didn't you write more? I want to read more!! Pm me when you post it, please!

Nice piece overall. It shows a great perspective, and sounds pretty cool. Good vocabulary, which I have never had. I'm just glad that I will spend my infinite eternity in heaven. I guess you're perspective would be sort of like hell, in a way.

While I found this an enjoyable read - thought-provoking and posessing a beautiful flow - I couldn't see this as a STORY. It seems more like a jounral, almost, or maybe an essay.

Try to give us readers a name to put to your character, or a setting. That way we have something to grasp and picture as we read these thoughts. Know what I mean?

Otherwise, I found no errors. You've got English down better then most of us who've known it from birth

Keep writing.

KJ