Enigma

Enigma

My world has curled around you,
smoke against wood, twisting to fit in a place so
apart from my own.
My mind has concluded and disproved again and
again that you are
perfect and known to me, to everyone, wild and bright and shining
an actor, a writer, the centre of everything
the joker with a smile and a pocket watch,
setting the world up and letting it glow and sparkle,
so comforting and wonderful, the strength I need to keep and hold me.

You are reading lines, you are
standing bare and beautiful on a stage,
the world watches and my world
curls into you and you act until we all know you are
stable and wonderful, perfect and known to everyone,
pinned in words against a page, against their eyes, a smiling,
moving image, a star, a million identities and all of them
known and unknown.

And I learn you
my enigma boy, a heart beating against fractured ribs and
shoulders lined with tiredness and uncertainty,
you lift me, sweetness laid against love
familiarity and security, truly honestly trustworthy
everlasting, your breath against mine, your hands on my waist and
your lips on the back of my neck, heart beat on the
insides of your wrists. You are
alive and delicate and insecure and I
love you infallibly and knowingly and unconsciously and you
lift me out of nothingness into something warm and
safe.

My world has curled around you
smoke against wood, twisting to fit in a place so
apart from my own.
My mind has concluded and disproved again and
again that you are
perfect and known to me, to everyone, wild and bright and shining
an actor, a writer, the centre of everything
the joker with a smile and a pocket watch,
setting the world up and letting it glow and sparkle,
so comforting and wonderful, the strength I need to keep and hold me.

-I think you should add 'like' to the end of the first line
-Instead of "known to me, to everyone..." I think you should replace all that as "preceved as"
-I like the pocket watch being mentioned for some reason.
-Instead of "keep and hold me" in the last line, I think "sustain myself" would be shorter and more suitable.

You are reading lines, you are
standing bare and beautiful on a stage, the world watches and my world
curls into you and you act until we all know you are
stable and wonderful, perfect and known to everyone,
pinned in words against a page, against their eyes, a smiling
moving image, a star, a million identities and all of them
known and unknown.

-I think "the world watches and my world" could be its own line
-One the third like the "and you act" is a little vague to me. Act how?
-After "smiling" there should be a comma

And I learn you
my enigma boy, a heart beating against fractured ribs and
shoulders lined with tiredness and uncertainty,
you lift me, sweetness laid against love
familiarity and security, truly honestly trustworthy
everlasting, your breath against mine, your hands on my waist and
your lips on the back of my neck, heart beat on the
insides of your wrists. You are
alive and delicate and insecure and I
love you infallibly and knowingly and unconsciously and you
lift me out of nothingness into something warm and
safe.

-The first line is a little odd to me
-This is the best stanza in the poem in my opinion. It wraps everything together so well. I like the boy being described, too, mostly because of his likable arrogance.

And that's all I have. It was a very nice poem, you have a unique way of describing things.

Wow. Wonderful. I liked the beginning, but the end was awesome, and the middle was intricate.

stable and wonderful, perfect and known to everyone,

pinned in words against a page, against their eyes, a smiling

moving image, a star, a million identities and all of them

known and unknown.

The only thing with this poem would be an underlying mixed message for me. In this section, it seems the subject of the poem is simply a person with a part to play. No real life. Just a prop. Willingingly or unwillingly, he seems to be perfect, and surreal. A poster boy. However, later he is described as delicate and insecure. I think, perhaps you meant to compare the public against the private here, but I also think more clarity on the issue would be appreciated.

Maybe near the beginning of the final verse add a tidbit which specifies that lets us know this is him in private, when he is with someone he trusts? Just a suggestion. Wonderful descriptions.

Nicolette wrote:-I think you should add 'like' to the end of the first line

instead of this I added a comma - it wasn't meant to be a simile, just an image.

Nicolette wrote:-Instead of "known to me, to everyone..." I think you should replace all that as "preceved as"
-Instead of "keep and hold me" in the last line, I think "sustain myself" would be shorter and more suitable.

Thanks for the suggestions - I think I like it the way it is... I'm not that interested in being concise here.

Nicolette wrote:-I like the pocket watch being mentioned for some reason.

Hehe =] he wears one quite often.

Nicolette wrote:-I think "the world watches and my world" could be its own line
-After "smiling" there should be a comma

I agree.

Nicolette wrote:-One the third like the "and you act" is a little vague to me. Act how?
-The first line is a little odd to me

Just act =]
And I mean learn him, like his ways and movements - like you learn a subject.

Nicolette wrote:-This is the best stanza in the poem in my opinion. It wraps everything together so well. I like the boy being described, too, mostly because of his likable arrogance.

Likable arrogance <3 that's a good way to describe it. I like to think of it as him being like the doctor from Dr Who (hehe).

Thanks for your suggestions =D I apreciate it!

Speele wrote:The only thing with this poem would be an underlying mixed message for me. In this section, it seems the subject of the poem is simply a person with a part to play. No real life. Just a prop. Willingingly or unwillingly, he seems to be perfect, and surreal. A poster boy. However, later he is described as delicate and insecure. I think, perhaps you meant to compare the public against the private here, but I also think more clarity on the issue would be appreciated.

That is what I was trying to get across - public vs personal. I'll see what I can do to show that more clearly.

Thank you very much for the review =]

l love this

heart beat on the

insides of your wrists. You are

alive and delicate and insecure and I

love you




I have a couple of ideas of what this is about, but i love it.