City Spirit

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Sorry for the horrible spacing.

Diagonal stripes streak moonlight through heavy rain clouds, entwining themselves around my senses, mind, and body. Vibrations of scurrying night species hum through my grasses making me shudder in my present form as a flowering tree.

I embrace the tree’s strength, stretch all my branches out, and listen to the silence. North of my form’s place explicit shouting sounds, my intellectual mind has taught itself of their dreadful language. I tear my spirit from the tree’s form and turn around to examine its beauty.

Before I zip away I kiss a blooming flower growing on my tree, it opens itself and shows its true color. Lavender and an ivory white, I smile and gently brush the flower with my hand.

My dress bellowing behind me I search for the thing that disrupted my sensuality. Ahead of me people appear, quickly I put myself into the grass. Its refreshing mist awakens my senses while the yelling grows more ear pounding.

With no more humans around I pull away from the grass’s hospitality and enter a brick wall. On the other side of it I find the species that disturbed my peace and quiet

Two teenage boys, nothing but humans fretted my soul. One of them had a dark hood over his face, the other striking black hair hiding his eyes. The hooded boy seizes the neck of the other’s against the wall of a building, sending abrupt pain to my heart.

Many of the bricks are screeching in pain, I slap my hands over my ears uselessly. Cries of my own nature enter into every thought and sense, so I am chained to a minute of listening and feeling their anguish.

Oh my poor nature, don’t cry I am here. I soothe the bricks their screams residing. The victim of the cowled gasps for breath his eyes in pure dreading fear.
My mind is botched with thoughts of saving the boy, coming from my friends of rocks, grass, flowers, and trees.

Knowing I will expose myself I release my grip from the brick wall and hover into the open. With my power I summon all willing warriors while raising my arms up. The victim’s brilliant amethyst eyes glitter at me in amazement but still in fear.

Rocks begin to hurl themselves toward the hooded boy along with soil and winds.
The murderous boy drops the victim and turns around; at the mere glimpse of me he sprints away.

I am practically paralyzed when the black haired boy stares at me.
His beautiful eyes portray shock and curiosity as he brushes himself off.

“What…are you?” He inquires hesitantly.

Oh dear, God will have my head for this…I shouldn’t have exposed myself. I think, the sound of cheers from my friends echoing in my head.

“I…am a spirit, but…you must keep quiet.” I caution knowing the consequence of giving knowledge of my kind is death. His eyes turn to the ground in sadness but then light up.

“Of course, but you must do me one favor.” He begs his eyes full of longing hope.

“Anything.” I say looking down, a fierce unfamiliar feeling brewing in the pit of my stomach. I fidget with my transparent fingers feeling anxious. His charming looks mesmerize me, perfect smile, bone structure, especially his eyes.

“Visit me everyday…Please.” He pleads stepping closer. My mind can only think of what sentences I may endure but I do not care.

“Of course…” I say not knowing his name.

“I am Edmund.” He implies with a bow.

“My name is…Cecilia.” I manage still twiddling my fingers. Slowly He comes closer, takes my transparent hand and gently kisses it.

How did he touch me? I thought nobody could do that unless…my job here is done. Does this really mean I get to finally live a normal life…as a human?

“I-I must go…I apologize.” I squeak overwhelmed with questions.




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Oh wow. I thought that was one of the most amazing things i have ever read. I am so hooked onto it and it has such a great vocabulary.

I am in awe over how much I loved this piece. The beautiful descriptions and wonderful things.

I only found one mistake. Well, haha, I was so intently reading I can't believe I picked it up. You need a period at the end of this sentence.

'With no more humans around I pull away from the grass’s hospitality and enter a brick wall. On the other side of it I find the species that disturbed my peace and quiet '

That's is it. Otherwise it was the best piece I have read today. And in a while.
I don't know anyone that is normal. If we were all normal we wouldn't be different. ~ME




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This is a bit arty farty in its content for me to actually enjoy reading such a piece but this is just personal opinion.

All things considered....I was very shocked at your age. You're a talented writer, even if your style isn't to my tastes!

Well done!
Olivia
xxx
If you wake up in the morning and all you can think of is writing, then you're a writer...




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This is the piece piece i've read in a while. Like I said before you are a very talented writer. Keep up the good work it's really impressive. Your stories are so detailed. I can tell you put a lot of heart in what you write. I'll read whatever you write... even if it's just a work in progress. Maybe I can give you some useful ideas for future stories.




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Thanks everyone for taking your precious time to read my work :)
I'm so happy you liked it, be sure to tell me if you have any suggestions.
Thanks again!

Mackenzie




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Hi there Mackenzie!

Wow! This is really amazing! I love the idea of a spirit, being able to move from one thing to the next and feel its pain. Maybe if you feel like it, you could go more in depth about this power of hers. I would love to read more into it. The disruption seems to happen a little quickly and tears the reader from the wonder of how she can be inside of a tree, feeling its strength. It was very well-written the way you have it, but I personally would love more... Of course, you're the writer. I'm just the reader. :wink:

As for critiques... uhm, just try to work on where you place your commas. I think you had a few run-ons which could easily be resolved with a few commas.

For example, one of the smaller ones:
I soothe the bricks, their screams residing.


Another thing, this sentence was confusing:
The victim of the cowled <did you mean coward???> gasps for breath, his eyes in pure dreading fear.

"In pure dreading fear" doesn't make much sense either. You could say "his eyes full of pure fear" or "pure fear in his eyes". Watch "dreading fear" because I think they are too similar to be placed one right after the other.

Also, just another small possible suggestion if you feel like changing anything... The whole conversation with the victim boy seemed too short and too hurried. Give the victim time to relax himself around her and make him wary when she tells him what she is. It seemed unusual that he would be okay with such a thing and that he would appear so normal after just being in a fight. You might want to make this scene longer and draw it out. It seemed essential to the plot if she will be coming to see him everyday.
I don't know, just a suggestion. You really don't have to change anything. I loved it!!!

Keep writing,
Tianna
"With every joy that passes
Something beautiful remains."




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Oh. Wow.

This is Absolutely AMAZING. I can't find words enough to describe it. Its... so... intensely mesmerizing. I couldn't stop reading. Wow. I like the slight linger of mystery and tension... Wow. I love it.
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.



Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.
— William James