But In My Head

The movements were the same,
though at different speeds,
but in my head,
I was spinning in circles,
Running, jumping, leaping,
over and around everything in sight.

It was nightime,
but in my head,
the sun was shining,
brighter than it ever had,
and the grass was greener,
and the sky was bluer.

The music was pulsing,
but in my head,
it was gentler, flowing,
smooth and soft,
and it swelled within me,
until I though I would burst.

The room was full,
but in my head,
I was alone,
with the exception of you,
of course,
and it was perfect.

I see that you are new to our little community; let me first extend my sincerest welcome to you, before I get down to business...
WELCOME TO YWS WOOOOP! WOOOOP! WOOOOP!
OK! All done now.
Right! I thought that this poem was - OK, and just that. Nothing exceptional and bordering on the banal. You are only young yet, so I am certain that your work will become wonderful as your writing matures (provided you keep working on your skills).
Initially I noticed that you have the terrible habit of adding a comma to the end of each line, and a full-stop to the end of each stanza. Please use punctuation as it needs to be used, it does not have to be put into a pattern. Otherwise it may spoil the flow of your poem, which was pretty nice.

The movements were the same,

Lovely opening line. It have a certain degree of ambiguity to it, (that mixed with the narration) draws the reader in.

I was spinning in circles,
Running, jumping, leaping,
over and around everything in sight.

These three lines are redundant. They serve no purpose to the poem.

and the grass was greener,
and the sky was bluer.

Pretty standard imagery, my dear love.

The final stanza was pretty nice. Although it had little to do with the stanzas that preceded it. I'd really like to read a poem that tackled the topics of the final stanza. That's a nice little concept you have there.

Overall Pretty good.
Keep writing.

I may seem like an overly mean critique, or borderline jerk. However I am trying to help you to improve your poetry.
So keep writing! I'd love to see how you develop.

Love,
Kris.
xx

Trust me, I writre way better stuff than this. This sucks, I know. It was spur of the moment. And the whole purpose of it ws to be simplistic and basic with the thoughts and images. And I put the commas and periods there for a reason. That is the way I wanted it to be read. And the last stanza has everything to do with the rest of teh poem. It took place at a dance. The only reason I wrote this was to capture how I felt in a specific moment, not to write the best piece i ever have.

BLAH! You should really specify that this is about a dance (or homecoming rather). Now that you've said that, everything makes WAYYY more sense. And, by the way, I saw you when you were thinking all of this; I could pretty much read your mind =P

When I first read this, it didn't make too much sense. The excessive commas were a bit too much to handle also. But, when you specify that it's about a dance and the commas are there because you want us to read them a certain way, it makes it 100x better.

Make sure you write that it's about a dance in there somewhere.