The Mask Maker

The Mask Maker is a short story I'm writing before NaNo. It comes in little sections, so that is why this is short. What I'm focusing on here is description, so please help me out as much as you can.

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“Edgar Pastor, you have been condemned to death for man slaughter,” Burton announced. He was facing the Mask Maker, but I knew he wasn’t speaking to him. He announced it to the audience sitting behind him, who was waiting eagerly.

“Do you have any last words?” Burton asked the Mask Maker.

The Mask Maker didn’t raise his eyes. He kept them lowered to the floor, where there was a spot of blood from another inmate that had been electrocuted. Burton waited another moment to continue.

“May God have mercy on your soul,” Burton spoke.

I stood at the Mask Maker’s side for the last time. He looked into my eyes. I noticed tears dripping down his face, like blood off his freshly slaughtered victims.

He whispered to me, “I’ll see you in hell.”

Then the electric chair hummed. I cautiously stepped away, but the guard wouldn’t allow me to go further than a step. His tight grip dug into my tender arms. I could hear a faint buzzing as the chair began.

The Mask Maker began howling. His feet were trying to kick, but it was useless; they were bound to a metal band that wrapped around the chair. His arms jolted violently. I watched him. I listened to his piercing roar. The twenty or so witnesses leaned back in their metal folding chairs, their eyes wide with fear. I could see Burton in the back, smiling. The bastard was smiling. I wanted to throttle him. I wanted to take the Mask Maker’s knife like he had wielded not so long ago, and dig into Burton’s face. Would I ever wear Burton’s face? Probably not. I would burn it.

I turned my attention back to the Mask Maker.

I heard him shout, “O God, forgive me!”

I watched the lights (if there were any) leave his eyes. The Mask Maker’s body became as limp as a wet fedora. Burton signaled toward two men, who quickly unbound the Mask Maker’s corpse and heaved it off the chair. There was a puddle of urine left on it. I grimaced, as a knot began to tighten in my stomach.

“Sit,” Burton commanded. The guard that held my arm walked me painstakingly over to the chair, and I sat down in the puddle of urine. I could feel it seeping through my striped clothes. Burton nodded, and another two men approached the chair. I willingly let them bind me to it. My legs and arms were unable to move afterwards. I could feel the wet sponge on the top of my head. The cold water drenched my balded head.

The chair stunk like a freshly skinned corpse.

“Joseph Wells, you have been condemned to death for assistance of man slaughter,” Burton announced, clearing his throat. I glared into his cold eyes.

“Do you have any last words?”

“Burn in hell, you fiend,” I whispered. Burton frowned.

“May God have mercy on your soul.”

-


Part two coming soon.

Wow I really liked this beginning, at first I didnt know why he was standing there, thinking maybe he was one of the people that arrested him, after the "See you in hell" comment especially. But then when he has to step into the chair you really feel the sickness that the character does, just ergh imagine watching that knowing its going to happen to you! I think you captured it really well.

Only one thing, is manslaughter one word or two words? I suppose it could be both...hmm Im really not sure, I just thought it looked a bit odd as two, im probably wrong though

Meevs
x

Hi Jared! Liked the overall feel of this piece and am looking forward to reading more but there are a few things to comment on so here goes!!!

“Edward Pastor, you have been condemned to death for man slaughter,”

Manslaughter is one word and maybe since you're after detail and description, do a bit of research and choose a type of manslaughter for Edward Pastor to have committed...it will add depth to the plot and your character all in one!

He announced it to the audience sitting behind him, who was waiting eagerly.

I'm not quite sure whether this should "who were" or "who was"...both sound right to me...hopefully somebody else will be able to clarify this

I was at this point quite confused as to who was who...I think it's because you refer to Edward Past and the Mask Maker separately, when really they are the same person....aren't they? Maybe I'm still slightly confused...

I watched him. I listened to his piercing roar. The twenty or so witnesses leaned back in their metal folding chairs, their eyes wide with fear. I could see Burton in the back, smiling. The bastard was smiling. I wanted to throttle him. I wanted to take the Mask Maker’s knife like he had wielded not so long ago, and dig into Burton’s face. Would I ever wear Burton’s face? Probably not. I would burn it.

Too many sentences here start with "I"...it can become quite repetitive...

Well done anyway mister Jared....quite like it and will be looking forward to the next installment

Hi Jared!

So, you are wondering about your description. Well, first off, where are they? I know that they're in an execution chamber, but you never describe it as such. In fact, until you mentioned the electric chair for the first time, I thought they were in a courtroom. That wasn't for long, but you should still consider a little more description of the surroundings. And there was one crucial thing you were missing. This is an execution chamber. There ought to be a stench of some kind, from the dead bodies and the urine and stuff, shouldn't there?

To comment now on character development. I have to say that this didn't turn out how I thought it would. Usually the psychopath doesn't go down crying and asking for forgiveness. It is usually the assistant. Yet you reversed the roles and made it interesting. Now I want to know the circumstances surrounding the Mask Maker. A very good hook, if I do say so myself.

I'm not finding much of anything else, but this is a shorter piece. PM me when you post the next part, I'll definitely give it a look.

You did very well. This story was very descriptive - unfortunately for when I was reading about the electric chair. It was a bit scary and sick... but if thats what you were aiming for then great job.

I am hosting a scary short story contest for halloween. If you want to enter it - or any other please do.

Anyways I didn't find any grammar mistakes or punctuation and I hope that this story takes a flashback. Just to let the reader know whats going on anymore.

Good luck and keep writing.

Hey Jared.

Umm...Sorry, but I have no clue what NaNo is...I guess I'm in la-la land or something- Anywho, here's my critique.

Grammar - Everything's basically good. I believe it's 'who were'. It sounds right to me. But, is the audience (or maybe jury?) waited eagerly - they're happy - or anxiously - they're nervous? It confused me a little.

Characters - All right, like said above, I think it's interesting how the murderer is asking forgiveness and not the assistant. Great! Because I absolutely HATE cliche stories.

Plot - OMG! So cool! It drew me in at the very beginning. I can't wait to read more!

Overall - A+ 100! (except for that who were thing) This is going to be a great story.


Good work and PLEASE KEEP WRITING!

P.S. One more thing - for the urine in the chair, that was gross - in a good way. The spot of blood gave me chills - as did the urine. If you're trying to scare me, then you're on the right track.

Hey, Boy!

I’m commenting on this because I remembered you were writing it. xD *gets distracted*

Well now. You have so much opportunity here, Boy. Really, it’s a right well of sights and smells and feelings, I need some imagery, some more description here. The others are right; I can’t get involved yet with what you’ve given me. And I would so love to be involved in this, it’s a delicious idea, such an idea!

I think, actually, a major part of where you’re going wrong is in the length. This needs to be longer, you’ve given me a lot, but also very little. It feels hurried and a little empty to me. Where’s the suspense, the feeling of expectance, the building tension to the act of the death? I want to feel the juice of his sweat and the water from the sponge collide and mingle. Feel it sliding down his back as the final words are spoken and he stares defiantly from his chair, sneering at Burton.

Can you see what I mean; I’d like to feel the emotions and the situation a little better. I think it moved too quickly for us to catch any of that. Then again, I am interested in knowing more, so you’ve managed some very lovely work there. You’ve got a stack of potential here, Boy, and I’m sure you’ll live up to it. I do think there’s some serious adding needed. You don’t need to take anything out at all; I like your progression of events quite a lot. It’s those other things I’ve mentioned that need a bit of adding. ^^

Tell me if you change this! ^^ I’d love to read it again.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Jared!

Wow I am impressed!
Description was great. A bit awkward at first, and I hadn't an idea that they were being executed. I have to say, either you've watched one too many execution films, read some documentary on it, or mayhaps, even witnessed it yourself, or if none of those, your mind is outrageously creative! I loved it... don't get me wrong, saying "I love this" is very much overused, but when I just said it, I mean it!
The only thing I would suggest is sticking a bit more about the setting in there, I was a bit confused as to where they were, but as I read on, it seemed a bit clearer. I love it, structure, wording, everything was perfect, except for what I mentioned. Can't wait to read more!

June