Wistful Thinking

Because a demon is nothing more than a fallen angel who has lost their wings.

"I want to fly." Said the girl with the bright smile and shining grey eyes. "I want to touch the clouds."
"You can't fly." He whispered to her ear, his eyes dark as he stood with an air of quiet tragedy.
"But I'm as light as air and the sun is shining bright." She girl protested, throwing out her arms. He said nothing and looked away. "Tell me more." She pleaded, "Tell me how the world works and more."
"It's such a long tale." He states. Chest heaving with sighs, he knows but lies to the girl with the angel face and wide grey eyes.
"Tell me anyway." She takes his hands, and her smile is a piercing ray of light.
"Only angels with wings can dance among the clouds."
"How do you know?" She asks, poised on the edge of open air.
"Because I've tried."

Hello sibyis, and on behalf of, well, me, I would like to welcome you to YWS! You can call me Stella, and I will be your critique today!

Okay, before I start, I just want to point out that as YWS is a community blah-de-blah-de-blah, there are a few rules to make sure everything runs smoothly. One of them is that you have at least two reviews for every piece of your own work you post. Your review count is currently at zero, so you owe us at least two reivews. It's only fair

So now, onto the review.

I. NITPICKS

Nitpicks is YWS lingo for the little things that bug us.

"I want to fly." Said the girl

"I want to fly," said the girl...

"You can't fly." He whispered to her ear,

"You can't fly," he whispered... maybe "in" her ear?

"But I'm as light as air and the sun is shining bright." She girl

"...the sun is shining bright," the girl

"Tell me more." She pleaded, "Tell me how the world works and more."

"Tell me more," she pleaded. "Tell me how the world works and more."

"It's such a long tale." He states.

"It's such a long tale," he states.

And you've switched tense.

"How do you know?" She asks, poised on the edge of open air.

"How do you know?" she asks...

Right so.

II. PUNCTUATION!

You may have noticed that I changed all the first letters of your speech tags (she says, he states etc.) to small letters. These always begin with small letters unless, of course, it's a name.

And your speech never ends with a full stop. You see, the speech tag is just really a continuation of the speech. So the sentence hasn't ended until after the speech tag. Do you see? You can use question marks, exclamation marks, ellipses, but not full stops. Where you feel tempted to use a full stop, use a comma.

III. PROOFREAD!

For something as short as this, it's not difficult. That way you can pick up typos and see things like tense changes. It's not hard to do, and it makes your piece better.

IV. BEAUTY VS. SUBSTANCE

This piece is very pretty, very pretty indeed.

But although I'm all for prettiness, it didn't make much sense. Why does she think she can fly? How has he tried? When she says "Tell me" what does she want to know? Why does he lie?

Plus, some more description wouldn't do you any harm. Bulk it out. Where are they? Who are they? When are they? It's short, so it's not like exra description will make it too long.

V. OVERALL

It was pretty as I said, with simple language and cute images. I just wasn't sure where it was going.

Hope I've helped and that you stick around!

PM me if you have any questions -about my review or YWS in general!

-Stella.

I think you should develope this into a story. Very neat Idea. orginal. And well thought through.
It makes me ask questions like, Why doesn't this girl know about the world? And what happened that made her not have wings? Things like that. Very intresting.
You should continue, and if you do, let me know, I would love to read it.