Beyond This - Practice Introduction

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As the wind blew through the sharp thistles in the brush along the Gloryhime Trails, a soothing sound was made that was similar to a rusty bell. Since it was the beginning of the gorgeous fall season, gusts of wind had been increasingly steady, as they blew many leaves off of the oaks and maples that resided aside of the trail’s boundaries. Birds sang their final melodies, and squirrels gathered loose seeds scattered over the muddy terrain. This peacefulness, however, was soon interrupted by the loud clicking of two mountain bicycles in the distance. The clicking became louder, until the bikers, whom were all young males, eventually rushed by the thistle bushes and animals. With no haste, the bikers made their way down the trail, leaping over mounds of fresh dirt that seemed almost set for them. Eventually the boys encountered a crossroads, where they simultaneously grabbed their brakes, slowly drifting over the mud and to a complete stop.
One of the boys who had short, brown hair and a sharp face, which was partly hidden by sunglasses, delved into his right pocket and removed a folded paper. “Let’s see now,” said the boy, unfolding the paper to reveal a miniature map that displayed the forests many paths. “So, we are currently at Point C, and we want to get to Point E, and then make our way to the valley trails – not too much longer.”
“What’s the time, Mike?” questioned the shorter, darker boy, scratching the back of his neck after a mosquito recently had a personal feast on his blood.
Mike, who was now putting the map slowly away back into his pocket, lifted the arm that bestowed his watch on it close enough to his face so the sun would not glare the display into inexistence. “Almost two, Turk,” Mike said as he began to swiftly turn his head around to face the path behind him. “I think Parker might’ve loosened his chain again.”
“Parker!” shouted Turk as he cupped his two hands around his lips. “Parker! Jay Parker! Get moving, or we’re heading on without you!”
The sudden burst of Turk’s voice seemed to have triggered Jay’s appearance. From over the mounds the other two had crushed when they vigorously biked over them, Jay slowly walked while dragging his slightly disfigured bike along his right side. His face was slightly pale, and he had a dirty blonde hairstyle – short cut, but somewhat silky. His clothes were completely covered in blotches of mud and grass steins, and he had been cut and bruised by what appeared to be stones. The sun was also shining against his sweating back, but provided no assistance to his mobility.
“I’m here,” whistled Jay, as he was currently injured, but from reasons unknown to the other two boys. “I kind of had an accident…”
Mike and Turk quickly examined Jay’s mangled physical appearance, but then quickly traversed their sights toward his bike. “Your bike, dude,” whispered Turk, revealing his empathy for Jay through his facial details.
“It was not fun,” exclaimed Jay. “While I slipped back from you guys, I tried to catch up by kicking my bike into high gear and speed along the harder sides of the trail. However, when something in the trees caught my attention, I twisted slightly and my bike caught onto something in the mud. I didn’t fly too far, but more or less dove right into the dirt and some rocks. My bike, however, ended up having its chain fall off and several stokes on the front wheel broken.”
“Shit, dude,” said Mike, fiddling with his sunglasses. “But we can’t just stand here all day and complain about what’s history!”
Jay sulked. “But I can’t bike with this thing.”
“Well, why don’t you walk down the left trail towards the next shelter point,” pointed Mike, while shedding several other physical gestures to indicate his speech. “And we’ll meet you there after we take the trail to the right of us here, which will allow us to enter the valley.”
“I think that’s a great plan!” exclaimed Turk, slamming his hands over his rubber handles.
As the other two were anticipated with the sudden plan, Jay seemed to have slipped into a much more depressing state. “Fine,” he slowly spoke. “But just don’t ditch me, like you did that one time we…”
“Dude!” yelled Mike, coming in close towards Jay’s much saddened face. “Your bike’s been mauled, you’re pretty much fully bruised, and you have to walk, no matter what – we won’t leave you behind!”
Jay took a long, deep sigh. “Fine.”
“So, we’re good?” stated Turk.
Mike gave a quick nod toward Jay, hoping for it to be returned – it wasn’t. “Yeah,” Mike said softly. “We’re good.”
As he fixed his glasses, Mike swiftly lifted himself onto the dirt-covered bike he had previously been riding. Turk soon followed suit, but took more time to make his way onto his leather seat. After the two acquired a thumbs up from one another, they slowly began to bike down the slanting trail. Jay eyed them both carefully, watching as they slid back and forth across the mud and stones. They were then gone. Jay was alone. Knowing nothing was to come from waiting in his current location, he prepared himself to make his way towards the sheltering station down the opposite, more flattened path.




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Could someone take care to review this? This is just a practice, and I want to see how I compare to what people on this forum see...




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First of all I noticed that you haven't reviewed any other pieces on here, its a general rule that for every piece of your work that you post you should have reviwed two other pieces. People will generally respond to reviews by reviweing your work, so please bear that in mind next time you post something.

steins,

-Stains

The sun was also shining against his sweating back, but provided no assistance to his mobility.

-Why would the sun provide assistance to your mobility? If anything it would make you slower because it was too hot?

Um this was ok. but I'm not really sure where its going, unless something is going to happen to Jay when he is on his own? Im also unsure of the genre...still I suppose that you will be elaborating on this so hopefully we will get more of a feel for it in the next part. I liked the characters you have presented here, you can tell their friendship quite well, which is always important when introducing characters into a new story.

Anyway, can you PM me when you post some more of this? And get reviewing :P

All the best,
Meevs
x
Bag.

Got YWS?




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Like I said, it was a practice.

I probably will expand on it, and I hope to get more critique from you! :D


And trust me, it's going somewhere... oh, it is...




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Hey Stolppy!

Okay, my only qualm with your little practice, is that you don't seem to stick to a tone.
I find that you writing is casual, but in attempt to add a spark you stick in a more formal word which changes the tone.

"'And we’ll meet you there after we take the trail to the right of us here, which will allow us to enter the valley.'"

Now, most of that line is casual. It sounds like it had actually come from a teenage boy's mouth. But then you added the "which will allow us to enter the valley". I don't find that to flow well with your style.

Try:
" 'And we'll meet you there after we take the trail to the right of us here, which leads to the valley.' "

It may seem like an insignificant detail, but I find it really bothersome when your tone and diction changes so abruptly. You need to learn more about your characters and perfect their tone. If your character happens to be like, Liam; for instance, then go right ahead and add in the formal tone. It wouldn't be out of place then.

That's really all I have. I'm sure the more you write, the more defined your style will become.

Keep it up Stolppy!



“If you come at four in the afternoon, I'll begin to be happy by three.”
— Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince