New and hoping

Well, Hello.

I'm new here, and I don't really know how to introduce myself. All I can say, is ask whatever you want, and I'll try to answer. However, I must say, I'm quite mysterious, and even I don't fully understand myself...
I'm just asking to respod as sincere as you can, no matter whether it's something rude or good.


This one is my last, and it's unfinished... It's confusing as well, but I must say each word is in it's right place, and each line says something. If my poems not clear, I can explain them.

Fire Inside

so many dreams have broken by now,
so many years spent searching for vow,
the Life was born from ashes and ice,
mercy was broken, fate choosen by dice.
fire burning inside, ready to conquer,
but the outside is frozen be mercyless time,
sacrifice must come for saving the rhyme
of beating heart in the ruins inside.

it is all comming down right now,
the cage is closed, no way up, nor down,
though fire burning all what is infront,
no escape hole, only ashes of hunting spot.
loss of soul is here, but is fought back,
a small light may survived by luck,
what was done cannot be corrected again,
though somehow it helps surviving the pain.


Aust.

Wow.

For a new writer, I'm amazed. For any writer, actually, it was very good. The imagery is so compelling! I love how you used fire and ice and ashes to sort of symbolize a tortured existence...Wonderful!!!

You made a few spelling and punctuation mistakes and stuff. For one thing, you'll want to put caps on the first letters of your lines.

so many years spent searching for vow,

Considering what comes next, you might want to put a semicolon there instead of a comma? Just a thought.

mercy was broken, fate choosen by dice.

Chosen, not choosen; I'm pretty certain you knew that.

fire burning inside, ready to conquer,

This line doesn't rhyme with anything...?

but the outside is frozen be mercyless time

Merciless is spelled with an i, and do you mean be or by?

it is all comming down right now

Coming, not coming; also fairly certain you knew that.

the cage is closed, no way up, nor down,

After "closed" I would put a colon, but I'm a colon/semicolon fanatic, and the comma is probably perfectly acceptable.

though fire burning down all what is infront.

All that is in front.

no escape hole, only ashes of hunting spot.

The rhythm was a little off here; might wanna rephrase that.

though somehow it helps surviving the pain.

Why don't you add an 'in' in between 'helps' and 'surviving', or something similar? It would make it flow better, and sound a little better too. Also, I don't understand---what helps??


Very good on the whole, though! I didn't notice most of these till I went back to nitpick it! I was caught up in the story!

Welcome to YWS! I hope to see more of your stuff soon!