My Life

THIS IS A REAL LIFE THING.

CHAPTER ONE

I woke up one morning still feeling tired. I got up slowly and got ready for school. My school was miles from where I lived but I often walked to school because of my dads strict regime and that was when I met "him". Ok, I didn't meet "him", he met me. I was running as usual when he called out to me saying I dropped my pen, I took it thanking him gratefully and since then we never looked back but things were just about to get complicated.


CHAPTER TWO

I always knew he was good looking but I never mentioned it to "him", lots of girls often found any opportunity given to talk to him but he never took any of that seriously till Fran-the daughter of a bitch came along.
Fran was beautiful, blonde, long legs and absolutely good physique, she did also get a lot of attention from the boys but I never expected "him" to also be interested. First of all Fran was quite a proud and vain person and I tried to point it out to "him" but he just called me jealous.
Soon they both were hanging out and it was like I wan't his friend any more, I was lonely and sad so I started to hang out with the jocks as well but things were just about to get more complicated.

Ok first to review. Is this some kind of Biography or what, I read and It was quite interestint but can you please make it longer and check your punctuation.

THANK YOU

Aw people please reviwe or at least say something.

Too short my dear! You can't have a short paragraph as a whole chapter...well you can...but I just don't like it! Lol! At least I'm honest!

You're punctuation is lacking in the following parts....

I was running as usual when he called out to me saying I dropped my pen, I took it thanking him gratefully and since then we never looked back but things were just about to get complicated.

The end of this sentence just isn't right. I'd make it a statement on its own...



It's boring to be honest, and quite stereotypically written....the opening line doesn't suck you in at all...had it have been longer, I would't have bothered reading it if you kept it in this style... will help if you want...PM me if you need me

This could be a potentially good story but you just need to EXPAND. Detail absolutely EVERYTHING. If this is written from your POV this should be easy because it's YOUR mind and YOUR experiences.
Good luck!
-Carly

Its a good start but really it needs expanding alot, its much to short. I'm sorry to go over that point again coz i think every one has.

I just picked up a couple of small thing as i was reading;

Fran was beautiful, blonde, long legs and absolutely good physique, she did also get a lot of attention from the boys but I never expected "him" to also be interested. First of all Fran was quite a proud and vain person and I tried to point it out to "him" but he just called me jealous.

firstly 'absolutely good'?? you build that up using absolutely then it is kind of a let down using good. Maybe try fantastic or perfect there.

and secondly

the first part of the last sentence (which i've emboldened) isn't right- im not sure what it is but something is wrong and it doesn't flow. Also take the the 'and' out making that two sentences

Have a good think about the story and where you want it to go, then revise and expand this first part.

Keep Writing
Titch x

Oh thank you all. However, it is not really a story you see, it's more like somthing I wanted to get of my chest.
However, Thank you all for your comments.