Eternal Eclipse

Hello everyone. :]

To start off, I'd like to say that this is my first time ever writing a story. English isn't my main language (I'm Dutch), so please don't be too harsh on my choice of words, unless it of course is completely wrong. Also, my English vocabulary isn't that huge, so I don't think you should expect really difficult words in this story. Of course, comment and criticize.

Eternal Eclipse

Prologue:

“And now, now it’s your time to make a choice. A choice which only a mortal could make.”
With that said, she disappeared, back into the dark Mists where the people who finally passed away lug in the peace and emptiness of their lonely, lost souls. The feeling of emptiness is something every mortal holds dear. Some call it heaven, some speak of peace and rest, others simply call it the Mists, while every heart waits patiently until it’s time has come, to feel rest, peace, the everlasting emptiness of a lost soul.
Except for those, who aren’t worthy enough to be cleared of all thoughts, will be tortured by all of their sins. Wrapped into the stickiness of a Tortureweb Spider, where every resistance is no more than a futile attempt of breaking the unbreakable, you will remain a lost, tortured soul, doomed into torment until the forgotten soul of Grenth will be freed from his chains.

But he wasn’t completely forgotten…

He’s not more than a myth, they say. A myth, where Grenth breaks from his boundaries, enraged, angry, and most important of all, out for revenge. Grenth, the God of darkness, pain, torment and the creator of the Mists. Once this place was used to pester those who had not obeyed to Grenth. He unleashed a cloud of darkness onto the world, the people, the light, the Eternal Eclipse.

When on a day a lonely hero, Pyre, also known as Pyre Fierceshot throughout the entire world, was born, who had the courage to resist against the madness this God spread across the fields of Nolasca. He was a mere mortal, you would think. A mortal, fighting against a God. A choice, only a mortal could make. He had no fears, that’s what made him strong. Or weak. Weak, because he would do anything which could take his life in a moment. But he was strong. Enraged in adrenaline he was the most fierce enemy you could ever face. He had brains, too. He knew everything he had to know. How he did this, nobody knows. He knew it.
With that knowledge, it was a mere matter of time before the great Evil would fall. Grenth was blind. Blinded by his immense power, his feeling of immortality, a feeling that nobody across the entire universe could do anything to him. And this was his death. No, not his death, a God knows not about his own death. Torment. Tormenting the God who has tantalized so many mortals in his years of might. He could not escape. Years he was going to be pained in his chains, which only a mortal, who also made his own choice, could break.

A true hero was Fierceshot indeed. His soul will forever find peace and pleasure in the Hall of Heroes, until his soul, his courage, his knowledge is needed.
Some already refer to him as the “God of Courage and Knowledge”. People pray to him, some even bring offers, still every mortal believes he is worthy as a God. Yet, nobody believes the myth of Eternal Eclipse has really occurred. Is it fear? Or do they hope denying Grenths existence, will make him not-existing? Nothing matters what people think. A God is and remains a God, tormented and tortured ‘till despair, Grenth is still Grenth. And Grenth remains a God, an immortal God. A God with a pestered soul, with an entire world to launch revenge at.

A myth, or a supplanted reality? The world will soon know… However, not before it’s too late to stop it. He got caught once, he will never wish to feel such torment again. He’ll do whatever it takes, to get free from the chains which he grew to hate so much, and stay free.

Hey! I liked this. And, in spite of the fact English is your second language, I found very little grammar mistakes, and the word choice was overall, decent.

Just one thing, when it comes to apostrophes, they are used when words are shortened (the most common being 'noun is' i.e the cat is= the cat's) and in this case it is the same for 'it is'= it's.
The other time you use the apostrophe is to signify ownership. For instance, the dogs bone written correctly is 'the dog's bone.'
However, this rule does not apply to its. So 'its bone' is just that.

Now, to the story itself-

“And now, now it’s your time to make a choice. A choice which only a mortal could make.”
With that said, he disappeared, back into the dark Mists where our heroes lug in the peace and emptiness of their lonely, lost souls.

Now, this part lead me to believe that there was a place, a character and something happening. But the rest of the prologue is just... information. You don't really tie in the initial action in anywhere else. We never find out who said it, to who... was it Fierceshot talking from the mist? Or someone completely different? Is the mist the same place as the 'hall of heroes'?
Was maybe it someone talking to Fierceshot?
Is the story about Fierceshot or is he already dead when this story happens? I'm confused.

I understand this is just a prologue, so I won't be too harsh on the 'info dumping', just make sure in the story itself, you show us rather then just telling us.

And brains. He knew stuff.

Now I know your vocabulary isn't the biggest, but I would suggest that you try and avoid using 'stuff'. It's an everyday, vague and informal word. And as I am impressed as a whole with the formality of the rest of the piece, it seems out of place.

When on a day a lonely hero, Pyre, also known as Pyre Fierceshot throughout the entire world, was born, who had the courage to resist against the madness this God spread across the fields of Nolasca. He was a mere mortal, you would think. A mortal, fighting against a God. A choice, only a mortal could make. He had no fears, that’s what made him strong. Or weak. Weak, because he would do anything which could take his life in a moment. But he was strong. Enraged in adrenaline he was the most fierce enemy you could ever face. And brains. He knew stuff. How he knew this, nobody knows. He knew it. With that knowledge, it was a mere matter of time before the great Evil would fall. Grenth was blind. Blinded by his immense power, his feeling of immortality, a feeling that nobody across the entire universe could do anything to him. And this was his death. No, not his death, a God knows not about his own death. Torment. Tormenting the God who has tantalized so many mortals in his years of might. [b]He could not escape. Years he was going to be pained in his chains, which only a mortal, who also made his own choice, could break.

Maybe break this into smaller paragraphs? Reading such a large, continuous chunk is like a marathon, and the reader is tempted to skim over the paragraph.
I've bolded the shorter sentences, and realized you seem to be using a pattern of long-short-long-short. This is fine a few times, but it loses its impact after a while.
And also, if you use too many short sentences, they stop being effective and start disrupting the flow. I tend to use short sentences when in action scenes, when I want the pace to speed up, or for impact. I find it is better to use longer sentences to relay complicated or descriptive ideas.

When on a day a lonely hero, Pyre, also known as Pyre Fierceshot throughout the entire world, was born, who had the courage to resist against the madness this God spread across the fields of Nolasca.

When on a day a lonely hero, Pyre... was born, What? You never actually told us what happened 'when'.


I'm confused what the story is going to be about... Okay, the god escaping, but what has Pyre got to do with it? Guidance for the hero? Or is he the hero? It is hard to tell what's actually going on. Are you telling us the background myth behind the god? Or are you telling us who the story is about?
And who bound the god? Was it Pyre? Or another god? I can't tell what Pyre actually did do earn his status.

Though I liked the fact that the people pretended Grend didn't exist. 'Ignore the fact and it will cease to exist' seems to be a widespread belief, and it suits the story.

With some tweaking, you have a good piece here. For the first story you've written, it sounds like you have a real idea of your world and where this is going, you just need to make a few changes so the reader has the same idea. I wouldn't have known English wasn't your first language if you hadn't told me, though, so good work with your word choice and grammar ^^
Keep it up, and don't hesitate to send me a PM if you have any questions, and when you post the next part. I would love to see where this is going.

-Nutty

Interesting title. The story was a bit dull, maybe if you didn't sound so repetitive...
Anyways this could be an interesting story but it needs some polishing up. Hopefully though it will not be cliched. There are to many God vs Mortal stories out there. Proveme wrong.

Kaylyn wrote:Interesting title. The story was a bit dull, maybe if you didn't sound so repetitive...
Anyways this could be an interesting story but it needs some polishing up. Hopefully though it will not be cliched. There are to many God vs Mortal stories out there. Proveme wrong.

It's more going to be a story about doing the good things, how easily the human brain can be manipulated and brainwashed and how lust of power sometimes takes over the good part in people.
And sorry if it's dull, I guess that would just be a matter of experience. I don't really know yet how to write something interesting. :/

'Ello there. The name's Angel ^_^

First off, I must say, that even though English is your second language I wouldn't have thought otherwise if you didn't say. I'm not that good at English and it is my first language so don't stress over that. Well anyways, when I read I enjoy content whether than what is wrong. Like the person above me said, it is dull but dull doesn't mean this isn't interesting. My, I usually don't read fantasy books unless one, the words and the beginning is powerful, and two, it has a good title. This had the two things I've been looking for and so my friend, you've achieved to write something interesting. All you need to do is learn how to transition your ideas. I can tell you're really thinking hard about what you're writing but the trick is to not think. Just let your ideas and thoughts come as they are in all their shining glory. I know that you can do a lot with this. Read more and more books. Picture your words are rivers in a straight tube. Carve curves and waves in this tube until the river flows many directions and remember rivers don't always go the same way...In other words, make your sentences flow and don't be so repetitive. I'm not good at using big words because though I speak poetically my vocabulary is bland. www.thesaurus.com should help you out. Please PM me when you post more or edit or whatever. I'd like to read more.

Thanks for the read and keep writing. You'll only get better.
~Angel

Angel of Death wrote:'Ello there. The name's Angel ^_^

First off, I must say, that even though English is your second language I wouldn't have thought otherwise if you didn't say. I'm not that good at English and it is my first language so don't stress over that. Well anyways, when I read I enjoy content whether than what is wrong. Like the person above me said, it is dull but dull doesn't mean this isn't interesting. My, I usually don't read fantasy books unless one, the words and the beginning is powerful, and two, it has a good title. This had the two things I've been looking for and so my friend, you've achieved to write something interesting. All you need to do is learn how to transition your ideas. I can tell you're really thinking hard about what you're writing but the trick is to not think. Just let your ideas and thoughts come as they are in all their shining glory. I know that you can do a lot with this. Read more and more books. Picture your words are rivers in a straight tube. Carve curves and waves in this tube until the river flows many directions and remember rivers don't always go the same way...In other words, make your sentences flow and don't be so repetitive. I'm not good at using big words because though I speak poetically my vocabulary is bland. www.thesaurus.com should help you out. Please PM me when you post more or edit or whatever. I'd like to read more.

Thanks for the read and keep writing. You'll only get better.
~Angel

Thanks a lot. :] Such comments inspire me to write more.

Anyways, for some reason I can never be bothered to read any books. :/ I get a book, read the first 20 pages, then go to bed or something, and I just never can be bothered to pick up the book again next day and continue reading...

I'll keep everything in mind what you said when I continue writing, and thesaurus has already been discovered and mistreated without any mercy. xD