Cold Shivers

Cold Shivers

Prolouge




The tramp rubbed his hands together, above the fire. The flames jumped up, and lightly tickled his palms. He stared up at the night sky, his hazel nut eyes, scanning the endless space.

This cannot be all there is, there has to be more to life, he thought. His hands were suddenly becoming very cold. He turned his head back to the sizzling fire, puzzled as his hands were now completely engulfed in the flames – yet they were cold. The tramp was too stunned to move, trying to think of an explanation. But there was none, it was impossible. He tried to jerk his hands back, but they wouldn’t move. His blood had frozen completely, his body numb. He wanted to scream out, for help. But how could he, for although he couldn’t speak. He had forgotten how to speak. Everything felt extremely colder, even his own breath, seemed to send chills down his spine.

Fear took over and he started to panic. A tear spiralled down his cheek, but before it had finished its journey, it froze, becoming an icicle. His eyes were now as wide as space, if they grew any larger, they would probably consume his entire face. But not everything was frozen; his ears seemed to be hearing even better than they were before. Like something wanted him to hear. But what good was listening when you couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. He felt as if millenniums had passed, but as it seemed, only seconds had ticked by.

His ears pricked, as they picked up a high pitched sound. There seemed to be no source of the noise, it was as if he was completely surrounded by it. It began as one voice, but then gradually more and more entered. But it was unnatural; all the voices were the same. Or at least they all sounded the same. It was like a school children’s choir. The singing grew louder and louder, until the tramp could even hear their steady breathing. Cold air swept down his neck and sent his hairs pricking upright.

‘Your time is up; it is time for you to disappear.” Whispered a voice, it was a girls. Her voice empty yet filled with sorrow.

And slowly, the Tramp lost his hearing, as well. He felt one last breath of cold air, and then there was nothing. It was as if nothing had happened, the fire was burning as it had been seconds ago. But this time, there was no poor tramp, trying to keep warm.



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And then there was nothing.

The Messenger wrote:Cold Shivers

Prolouge




The tramp rubbed his hands together, above the fire. The flames jumped up, and lightly tickled his palms. He stared up at the night sky, his hazel nut eyes, scanning the endless space.

This cannot be all there is, there has to be more to life, he thought. His hands were suddenly becoming very cold. He turned his head back to the sizzling fire, puzzled as his hands were now completely engulfed in the flames – yet they were cold. The tramp was too stunned to move, trying to think of an explanation. But there was none, it was impossible. He tried to jerk his hands back, but they wouldn’t move. His blood had frozen completely, his body numb. He wanted to scream out, for help. But how could he, for although he couldn’t speak. He had forgotten how to speak. Everything felt extremely colder, even his own breath, seemed to send chills down his spine. 1

Fear took over and he started to panic. A tear spiralled down his cheek, 2 but before it had finished its journey, it froze, becoming an icicle. His eyes were now as wide as space, if they grew any larger, they would probably consume his entire face. But not everything was frozen; his ears seemed to be hearing even better than they were before. Like something wanted him to hear. But what good was listening when you couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. He felt as if millenniums had passed, but as it seemed, only seconds had ticked by.

His ears pricked, as they picked up a high pitched sound. There seemed to be no source of the noise, it was as if he was completely surrounded by it. It began as one voice, but then gradually more and more entered. But it was unnatural; all the voices were the same. Or at least they all sounded the same. It was like a school children’s choir. The singing grew louder and louder, until the tramp could even hear their steady breathing. Cold air swept down his neck and sent his hairs pricking upright. 3

‘Your time is up; it is time for you to disappear.” Whispered a voice, it was a girls change to girl's . Her voice empty, yet filled with sorrow.

And slowly, the Tramp lost his hearing, as well the as well isn't needed. He felt one last breath of cold air, and then there was nothing. It was as if nothing had happened, the fire was burning as it had been seconds ago. But this time, there was no poor tramp, trying to keep warm.



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And then there was nothing. I don't get this part. You just said he wasn't there anymore, so I believe this just over-does it.

um.... okay. I don't really get the idea of the story so far, but hey, that's a prologue's point right?

1. If his blood was completely frozen, then he'd be dead. There would be no way he would still be alive, let alone be able to think and breathe.

2. Once again, if his blood was completely frozen, his eyes and tear ducts would be too.

3. I doubt he'd be able to feel the cold air if he really was frozen.

Okay, I'll cut you some slack because this is the fantasy fiction board, but on any other forum, this would be impossible. I do understand it though. I like being able to control things. That's why I write. But you need to watch your aspect of reality. If this part of the story is supposed to be in the non-fantasy world, then it needs to be changed, because it would be unrealistic. But, if it's in the fantasy world, I guess it's all too possible.

I like your style though. This piece has potential, but it just needs some work.

I applaud your idea, though.


alicat

But how could he, for although he couldn’t speak.

For although he couldn't speak what? 'Although' implies there would be something he could do. It's sort of like using 'but'. It doesn't make sense by itself.

Everything felt extremely colder, even his own breath, seemed to send chills down his spine. 1

I don't like the phrase 'extremely colder'. Colder then what? You have a fairly professional feel going on here, but this just doesn't fit.
And I don't quite get how his breath would seem colder then the rest of his body, if he's that numb...

Fear took over and he started to panic. A tear spiralled down his cheek,

Spiraled? I can't picture that. And if I can't picture it, then it isn't effective.

but before it had finished its journey, it froze, becoming an icicle.

Well, duh. Frozen water equals icicle. I would suggest getting rid of either 'it froze', changing it to "but before it had finished its journey, it became an icicle, clinging to his cheek." Or just getting rid of the 'becoming an icicle' bit.
Well, it's what I would do, personally.



Hmm, it's a tad short to really comment on the story itself. Though what I have seen, I've liked. I want to know what this girl is... if it was him just dying, then there would be a body. Intriguing. I want to keep reading, and I have been nit picky, so it's actually a good piece. ^^
I think I get what alicat is saying, but I don't necessarily agree. I read the blood freezing as a metaphor, rather then an event. Is this what you meant? If not... then, technically, alicat has a point.
In any case, I want to see what happens. Make sure you PM me when you post the next part, or if you have any questions. ^^

Welecome to YWS!

I'm a huge grammer freak, so I'll be very picky there.

The tramp rubbed his hands together, above the fire. The flames jumped up, and lightly tickled his palms.

"Tramp"?

The first two sentences feel repetetive, because they both start with "the". Try making them one sentence, like this:

The tramp rubbed his hands together, above the fire that lightly tickled his palms.

He stared up at the night sky, his hazel nut eyes*no comma here* scanning the endless space.

I dislike the word "scanning" in this sentence. Try using a different word, like "observing".

"Hazel nut" eyes? I think that just "hazel" will do.

This cannot be all there is. There has to be more to life, he thought.

He turned his head back to the sizzling fire, puzzled as his hands were now completely engulfed in the flames – yet they were cold.

The main character is obviously surprised. It would be dumb for him not to be. But it read like this was normal and was too dull. I think the word "puzzled" is a huge understatement.

The tramp was too stunned to move, trying to think of an explanation.

He wouldn't be too stunned to move. Jerking away from something startling is a knee-jerk reaction. In other words, you have basically no control over doing that. Seeing as it is revealed later that he tries to move, but can't, try something like this:

His hands suddenly became very cold, as if they had touched a block of ice. He looked down and saw that they were lit of fire. He tried to jump back, but he found that he could not. As he struggled, he tried to think of how his hands could be cold while they were on fire. There was none.

You know, I had trouble writing that. It was a hard scene to write, so not being able to pull it off is understandable.

His blood had frozen completely, his body numb.

Until now, the story has been in third person limited. In other words, it is spoken like a person is watching what is happening, but only knows what the "tramp" is thinking and is unable to know anything else. In other words, if other characters were present, the narrator wouldn't know what they were thinking.

Now, he suddenly comes out with a genious explanation that could only be discovered by an autopsy. Also, if his blood was frozen, he'd be dead.

But how could he, for although he couldn’t speak, he had forgotten how to speak.

This part doesn't really work. Both are saying that he couldn't speak, agreeing with one another. Therefore, use of the word "although" is innapropriate.

Everything felt extremely colder, even his own breath*no comma here* seemed to send chills down his spine.

"extrememly colder"? I would reccomend going with "much colder".

‘Your time is up; it is time for you to disappear.” Whispered a voice, it was a girls.

Change it to "whispered a voice, a girl's.

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And then there was nothing.

Delete this.

Overall, pretty good. It as definete potential.

The other reviewers corrected many of your mistakes, so I'm not going to bother. This prologue is okay. It might seem overdramatic though. Personally, I'm not bothered by it. As long as this sequence is relevant to your story, you should be in good water.